Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

All the talk of how I was 5 years ago is making me nervous I can't have the support I need from you. I don't know why things changed so much your end, unless it's just the change of location. Remember when I could just come and see you for an extra session on a random day if I needed it?

Or when I came to see you on a Saturday night because I was really messed up? I know you won't or can't do that now. You even put a 10 minute timer on your calls. Anxious that I won't be able to see you if I can't make it to your only free slot.
Sorry if I have been too much.

I was less freaked out by your this time.

Today makes 3 years since you left this earth. Things have gotten somewhat easier since then. However, in days like today my heart breaks again. How I wish I could have just one more session with you.

I woke up and cried this morning. I just felt so exhausted and broken down by school. I'm an almost a doctor, but at what cost?

Last exam in 15 days. I messaged my friend R and asked if I could come over because I knew I was starting to feel unsafe.

Your email back yesterday made me cry and I wasn't expecting it. Whilst I did ask for a session this morning I'm hoping you won't have any free session time slots for tomorrow. If I could recall that email I would.

Ok. Now I need to try and manage these feelings somehow. Was hoping to see you on Tuesday but this is a bit of a curve ball. But then I can only imagine you have been thrown an even bigger curve ball to mean you have to take the rest of the month off. If you need the time, take the time. I respect you enough to be ok with that. I'll manage, and I'll make the most of life, I hope. It is short, isn't it. Sometimes shorter than we hope for. I wish I knew what was going on, but I know it's none of my business really. I hope you take care of yourself and I'll see you in 5 weeks time, I hope!

I swam laps yesterday after work and had a major insight that I will share with you on Friday. And when I say major, I mean the Major with a capital M kind.

Dear Dr. K. I like that I don't miss you between sessions. At least not yet. Obviously I still think about you though because I am writing a Dear T to you. Ha. Kit

Dear Former T: I wish you would have responded to me. Sometimes you do. Sometimes you don't. Well, most times you don't. But I wish that you would have this time. It would have meant a lot. But I understand. I have no "right" to get anything from you. I know you are practicing again. Sometimes I wish you would have said it was okay for me to come and see you again. But you probably know best. Love you forever. Kit

Ok, so in order to help me try and manage these feelings I contacted old T. Wonder what she'll say. Just kind of need someone that knows and understands right now. I hope she is there. 5 weeks is a long time, on top of the two we've just done. We broke for longer for Covid but that was agreed? And it didn't bring up all these feelings for you. Worry. Unknown. Out of control. Wanting to sit outside your house and try and glean what's happened. That isn't healthy, for either of us! I'll do my best and give you the space and time to deal with your life, but in the meantime I have to deal with mine too. And this is one way for me to do that... I think?

Dear Ex-T: I think I made the right decision by stopping seeing you. I don't even miss you. We didn't have that "click" or "connection". Kit

Dear T,
I really hope meeting in person outside Friday or Monday will work out. I wish I'd started discussing that earlier in session, because I want to know if you'd be OK if, say, it was drizzling a bit. I mean, I'd be content to stand out there holding umbrellas, but I feel that would be a lot to expect from you. Especially as you'd presumably need to see clients after me and wouldn't want to be all wet. I'm just at the place where I feel like I just want to see you in person, even just for an occasional session, even if conditions are less than ideal. I hope that could somehow happen, even if not in the next week, by the end of the month. Of course, I'd rather meet in your office, but...

Love,
LT

You say something that surely you knew would trigger me. I break down, sob for most of the session to the point of retching and very nearly vomiting and then when I finally start to calm down, your response is to say you didn’t mean to trigger me and you didn’t want that to happen but there’s no point in dwelling on it. WTF???? Do you actually give a flying f*** that you really really hurt me and caused me a huge amount of pain and essentially re-enacted a traumatic experience that I have told you about. Don’t dwell on it???!! You might be able to just move past it but I’m afraid I can’t you utter b*st*rd.
I need to get out of this ‘therapeutic’ relationship as it’s become toxic and harmful. You are not skilled enough to work with people with complex trauma, in fact you are utterly clueless. But l I don’t know how to leave without causing unbelievable pain to the child parts that have become so attached to you and retraumatising them by yet again losing an attachment figure that was supposed to care about them.
Suicidal thoughts extremely active tonight, not that you would even care.

You know what why the f*** should I pay for that session. You triggered me and should have known better. You sat there for 35 minutes in pretty much silence doing buggar all except for opening the window and slurping from your water container. You made no attempt to help me calm down or repair any of the damage you had caused. Why should I have to pay for that experience? You get my money for causing me pain and doing pretty much nothing all session. You can f*** right off.

I wish today that you had made me feel better instead of worse. I think I weird you out a bit too though.

Why is it the attachment so ridiculously strong at the moment.. it's a paradox that I want to tell you about my overwhelming desire to be in constant contact with you, and how I think that it's better that I'm not, am the only way to tell you that is to email you, and then I think my desire to tell you that is actually part of the desire to be in constant contact with you, and not actually about wanting to tell you it.

I think you notice that I’m uncomfortable around you. So I wonder if you’ll switch me to someone else. And I’d be fine with that honestly.

Hi R,

I found out this afternoon that one of my favourite mental health advocates is gone.


He kept me steady between times. I am gutted.

Love,

Lost

My new insurance only pays for 45 minute therapy sessions, so that's what I'm getting. I understand this. But 45 minutes feels short. Couldn't we just go 55 minutes like we used to and not tell the insurance company?

I lied. I would have turned up to a session if you had offered one for this week. Surprised you haven't checked your emails in 48h.

My heart is aching and feels so heavy .

13 days to my last exam.

How many times must I redraw the map of what my support system looks like?
I trust people, they turn out to be arseholes, or leave...my life, or the world.

I'm feeling pretty much disheartened about therapy at this point. It's certainly helped me with communication with my husband, but I don't see that it's helped in any other way, particularly. I'm not stopping, but in part I wish I could gracefully slide out of the situation. Maybe it'll be better when we're meeting in person. Maybe.

How's this email experiment working for you? Am I emailing too much? Is it okay for you not to respond? It's working well for me, even though I miss you.

Dear T,
I suppose it's probably good we didn't meet outside the coffee shop today because I ended up crying about your loss of Fish (and also about some other things). Though crying about a fish outside of a coffee shop in the rain seems particularly poetic. In fact, hm...perhaps I should try writing some sort of story or poem involving that. Yeah, like the fish living in water, the water from the rain and my tears.

You were also very validating about a few things today, including something I'd been concerned about, so I appreciate that. I hope we can meet in person Monday, even if it will be outside and hot.

Love,
LT

I’m trying to figure out how to tell you I want to see someone else without making you feel like you did something wrong or are a bad therapist. Because you did make me feel uncomfortable during most of our sessions. But it really has nothing to do with you yourself as a person, it’s just your personality I seem to clash with and don’t understand. But I don’t want to hurt your feelings. But I’ve stayed with therapists for years because I thought things would work out and it never did. I don’t want to get hurt again.

Thanks for today. As disjointed and distracted as I felt, after the fact thinking about it this evening, I feel like we somehow managed to piece together a pretty darn good conversation anyway. I'm not sure if I want to try the every 2 weeks thing again or take a break for awhile. I mean this animus stuff is super interesting, but it's also a bit intense.