Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Hey. I was just thinking about how glad I am that I stuck this out with you. And that you are still putting up with me after all this time. Back in November of 2011 during that first session I thought you were kooky and wasn't sure I would schedule a 2nd appointment and now here we are almost 10 years later.... just, wow. So, thanks. I appreciate you more than you know.

Things are falling apart. I'm bewildered by your email, but there is so much else to talk about. I just need one thing to hang on to, and it feels like everything is falling away. I want something back.

I can’t stop checking my emails. I’m pretty sure you’ll email before the end of next week, but that’s a lot of days to be obsessively checking a million times a day. I don’t actually know what I’ll do if you don’t come back. Break has now been 8 whole weeks. Nightmares every night at the moment and feeling so trapped in my ED again. But I’m surviving. Keeping everything crossed for good news when you eventually email.

Dear Dr. K. The 19th feels very far away. I think I am missing you, though I don't even know you. Maybe I just miss being able to talk to someone about my stuff and have them really listen to me. I think when I schedule again it will be for a month. I don't think I need twice a month anymore. I think I'm growing. A month is a long time but I am dealing with it. This time it was two months because I didn't see you last month. I wonder if you will think that is strange. Kit

Dear Case Manager, I can understand you not wanting to discharge me because of all the suicidal thoughts I get. I understand that. But I think you don't understand that I have a lot more coping skills now. The extra support you gave is great and I have the list of Pdocs that take my insurance and that's helpful in case I decide to make a change. But I think I am able to handle more than you think I am capable of. I think I would be okay to terminate next session or the session after. I think I will tell you that next time. Thanks for all that you did for me. Kit

Dear Backup T,
Yay, glad we have something scheduled. I was briefly tempted to opt for in person, but I think, especially if you're at the same office, it would be too emotional for me (I just used my unvaccinated D as an excuse).
--LT

Today has been hard. Things unravelled a bit more.
It all hurts.

HUGS Lost

I haven’t been thinking about old transference t, unprofessional creepy old t, or new T all day. I actually have my new T’s card right on my table and I just give it a blank stare every now and then but she doesn’t really register in my brain.

New T I’ve been supporting myself without your help today. You mentioned emails and saying it was ok but things are still a bit unclear to me so I’m not even gonna go there. I may actually just have my mom destroy your card with your email on it so I’m not tempted.

I did notice though that you work with kids. Its better overall for me if a T also works with kids. Unprofessional creepy T did not. I can’t tell what the connection is if a T does or doesn’t, but there is a difference I feel like.

I'd rather think that I'm fine without seeing you for a week, but I can tell I'm being really hard on everyone around me. Spouse is probably looking forward to your return.

Feeling like I could have used a session this week but you said you were off for July 5th and didn't offer to reschedule. I guess I should have stood up for myself and asked. But I will manage I guess, I always do.

Dear T,
Sorry...Just feeling vulnerable.
Love,
LT

Dear T,
I really appreciate your response. Particularly how you added that you look forward to continuing our work tomorrow.
Love,
LT

Thank you.

Did I hear you say you could really feel the distance between us today?
I haven't stopped feeling it, but you are still here, in some sense.

I’m thinking a lot about old transference T today. I just am worried I’ll run into her when I’m on vacation since she vacations there too. But I am not sure she’ll be there at the same time as me. Basically I think I’ll always be a bit screwed up that the video sessions started so suddenly in March and I only saw her twice in person before we ended in February. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be totally 100% right in my head or at peace with how I feel about her. It’s been about 4 months and 2 weeks and some days I barely think of her other days like today it’s tough.

I guess it’s partially the vacation thing but it’s also that she was always telling me to go to the doctors for UTIs and now I have another one and I guess today I’ve just been thinking a lot of her.

But when I think of Covid 2020 I think of therapy.

In person sessions! Sooo much better. I think we both felt the power of being in the same room today.

So I'm sitting at my laptop trying to do an Active with that nightmare. It's hard to put myself back in the dream because it was so scary, even now after I did the sand tray and changed part of the dream, it's still hard to stay "in" the dream to do the Active. But I'm going to do it somehow. I know it will be helpful. At least I have another week to get it done before we meet again...

I knew it. Somewhere deep down I knew it. But I didn't want to believe it. Little One helped me to see that it would be ok, and maybe, somehow, it still will be ok. Who knows. I am thrown for a loop again, after just getting back on an even keel. I wish you had told me sooner. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I have no idea what to make of the news you have just delivered, but Tuesday is going to be very very difficult indeed.

I'm floundering today. Why did I have to bring that up?
I suppose I have my reassurance that you will return at some point.
All this is hard to deal with when you feel so far away.

Please dont do this. Please.

It all seems rather pointless in the face of this news.

Dear T,
Sorry I was so disorganized at the end of session. I just want to be able to talk about certain things, because I think they're important to my full narrative. But what you said is accurate, that I'm just worried about stepping in a bear trap. I suppose maybe that's how I view many relationships, so perhaps that's something we need to delve into more? Even though we have a bit.

And perhaps it's better that your bear traps are out in the open. Whereas ex-MC's were extremely well hidden, in a field where I had safely wandered for a long time.

I hope I can figure out what I want to talk about by Monday--or if I even want to talk about it.

At least the first half of the session was productive, though I suppose I do now know that I'm not your most aggravating, frustrating, or annoying client. I mean, you kinda suck at reassurance (or maybe you were intentionally trying to not reassure), but that's...something?
Love,
LT

Dear T,
I just want you to tell me that it will be OK, no matter what I talk about, that you're not going anywhere, that you'll manage whatever discomfort you might have, that our relationship will be OK, that it will be safe. But of course you won't do that.
Love,
LT

Your schedule doesn’t really make sense. How am I supposed to do proper emdr therapy if I can only see you once a month. I was so optimistic about this but I’m not sure how it’s gonna work. You’re really my last hope so I’m not sure if there’s anything you can do to have a more consistent schedule but if so that’s be so helpful.

You were supposed to stay until Teenage One wanted to come to you. And we were right there T. Right ****ing there. It was written down, for you to see. She wrote it down and brought it for you to see. I looked into your eyes. She looked into your eyes, and then this. And then you walk away.

I know it's five months away. I know. But it doesn't feel like that right now. The tears are here, now. The hurt is here, now. The pain is here, now.

I had a bath, it didn't help. I felt sick. I was sick.