wouldn;t you know that life had different plans for me that don't include choices i would like to have, even if they were hard ones. My life is not so much a mountain trail like perna described... somewhere i fell, or was pushed, into the raging river which runs through those mountains. Sometimes i cling to some rocks in a more shallow pool and i think maybe i can make it to the trail, but i never get that chance. i am washed away again... down the rapids, bashed against the rocks, pulled down in the eddies... into what rafters call a "drowning machine." (it's a strong cyclone style whirlpool which grabs you and sweeps you around and around, it is so strong that you can't swim out of it, you keep getting sucked backwards)

i seem to have little choice and all of this comes from external sources. i need to learn to swim before i can walk any %#@&#! trail (no offense, i'm just frsutrated).

so, instead of being able to take time to think through this issue with T and decide on a course of action (proactive i thot), i am forced to my knees.. or to continue the metaphor, i am dragged backwards into the drowning machine and must reach for the only lifeline i have, regardless of how i feel about the lifeguard.

i am forced into taking three sessions this week instead of cancelling friday to allow myself time to ruminate and decide. There was no malice in wanting to cancel, i wanted time to sort this out for myself. But no.. can't be allowed that.

i am beginning to think that life hates me. i seem doomed somehow and i don't understand. My deep beliefs involve choices and lessons, etc.. of course i must be doing things which keep this cycle going... but i have no idea what. i believe we come back, not as "I" as we know ourselves to be now, but as portion of another "I"... i don't quite believe in reincarnation in quite the same way as many do... but i do believe in bringing unfinished life lessons back with you... my god, what did i do or used to be? i feel that the portions of previous essences which make up who i am have brought some terrible pain back into this world when i was formed... i do not know how to complete their journey and release this pain.

i'm sorry... i dont want to make this a spiritual issue... so, put it this way, life is bringing the same lessons over and over because i don't get them... i need to know what these are and get them right somehow or this will come around again. In the drowning machine the keep to making it out alive is to allow oneself to get pulled down, not to fight the current... it will push you far down but then you get swept downstream and out of the whirlpool. i don't know how to apply that to my real life.

i will have to bring up the rupture(s).. but we cannot work on them right now. There is no time. Life crisis first. i will have to trust him for now, even if it is a reduced sort.

in three weeks from yesterday my life may be irrevocabley(sp?) changed. i may lose everything which is dear to me, everything in my environment may change. i may even lose PC. My home, my belongings, my schooling, my show, my food and shelter and medical care... my T as well. i may even lose the most precious things i have - my dogs.

if i can't learn life's lesson soon i feel like i'd be better off taking my chances on the next lifetime.

Dear T,
Please throw me a line to allow me some air. Tell me how to let the current take me away from this drowning machine... meet me at the quiet pool downstream. Bring a warm blanket, a towel and some food...help me gather my strength before i must face the waterfall nearby.

Please be what i need...for now.. please keep the bar low enough that i can reach it and feel good about that. We can raise it later when i am stronger.

i am in such pain and you are all i have. i am alone otherwise. Just listen and hold those thoughts, listen and hold me emotionally.. just for now. Be warm and be gentle. Just let me crawl until i can gather enough strength to stand.

just be there.

[Perna]

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MzJelloFluff said:
i am in such pain and you are all i have. i am alone otherwise.

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Not to be sacrilegious, but what are we here?

You are not pathetic! We all get the lessons over and over again and none of us gets out alive having learned them perfectly first time. I just came up against one of my #1's my therapist of 18 years tried to get across to me and I still don't get it and am doing the same you're doing to no avail.

What happens TO us, we have no control over whatsoever. You can't dictate whether the sun will rise tomorrow or your landlord will try to throw you out for looking at him cross-eyed. One can't cause other people's responses to one's actions. Sorry, none of us are that powerful. If someone gets fired from their job, it's fine for the "other" side to blame the person getting fired but it was the job giver's choice that did the job taking away. If they'd asked the person whose job it was if they wanted their job taken away, the answer would have been "no" (unless they wanted to get fired and then they would have tried to take credit for maneuvering things so they'd get fired but still, they can't do their own firing, they can only quit).

I don't know what might happen to you in a couple weeks but there's libraries with computers to come to PC on, there's a future where things will change yet again. But you can only effect the things you do, not what others do so I wouldn't put all your hopes in your T! Yes, we want someone there with a towel when we come out of the drowning machine and it's wonderful to have someone there but it just takes longer to recoup if we don't but still, we recoup. Want what you want MzJello, with all your heart, but don't narrow your focus so that that appears to be all there is possible! Towels can come from many sources including a waterproof backpack you were born with. Look how far you have come (all uncomfortably I understand but still, you have travelled far!) all with only the backpack and swiss army knife you were issued in the beginning. You're a unique "portion" with that portion's tools and foibles. Check out the tools you've been using unconsciously.

[Mouse_]

((Mzjello))

[chaotic13]

(((JELLO))) Sending you some positive vibes....Hoping you can float and hold your breath until you find some less turbulent water to regroup.

thank you guys and yes, i am sorry, i have you folks. PC has come to mean a lot to me.. what i meant of course was RL people, right here people. The good friends i have live far away, PC peeps can't hand me the tissues... all i have are virtual peeps, by phone or by net. He's the only real life peep.. and please remember, he is the ONLY person i am complete with.. no one, absolutely no one else in the universe who gets a whole representation of me. i have not told him everything about me, but he gets a whole picture when i am there. No one else ever gets that. So, in a sense he is all i have.

perna, your advice and sharing is very wise and not falling on deaf ears i assure you. i appreciate the encouragement and acknowledgement... the rest is appreciated but it's more than i can use right now. My vision is fixed on the short term right now. Survive the drowning machine and then re-assess

it means more than i can express that peeps here say they have seen positive changes in me over the past few months. It is valuable to me in a deep way. i don't get a lot of encouragement or kudos in my life.

thanks mouse thanks mckell

you guys are going to die... i saw T and we focused on the crisis obviously.. i didn't outright cry, but i was weepy - which is a new thing for me with T. He was very good with me in a gentle logical way, because logistics are vital right now... he even wrote notes, something he never does.

but...

at some point i told him i had to bring up something important but i did not know how. i kept saying i wasn't trying to criticize him. i told him how i had been feeling about him and what happened tuesday. i explained just how what he had done had resulted in me feeling shot down and dicouraged. i told him i understood the influence of the triggers involved but that what he did was a thing in itself.... and...

he apologized.

he understood exactly what i was trying to explain and why i felt that way. he was very genuine and was sorry about how it had affected me. He said he would watch this, and his timing.

he said, and i agreed, that he had no intention of hurting me or shooting me down... no intention of neglecting the good stuff... i knew this but so hard not to feel it. We almost said at the same time that he is sometimes so excited or enthusiastic about something that he wants to jump on the cart and take it as far as he can... which i understand... and i can understand the good intentions, but it's not how i can do things. i just can't.. it's not me. Doing that will scare me away...push me away. i even told him i had wanted to cancel tomorrow originally because i had felt so bad and had wanted to think..

the talk overall went very well i thought. he made a lot of effort to be more encouraging... he openly recognized the significance of what i had tried to do, and what i was doing... he told me he was impressed that i took the risk to bring this up, and how i hadn't just closed him off. He knew i was doing this differently... that everything i am doing now with him is new for me.

i left feeling ok with him again. i still worry about it happening again.. it is so terribly painful. This sort of mistake is the worst he could make with me... but he knows that now... so we shall see.