[mindmechanic]

Just venting. Therapy was going very well with the therapist this evening up until the last 10 to 15 minutes of the conversation.

I brought up a topic, and the therapist brought up something else in response. I asked her what the relationship is between what she's talking about and the topic that I had brought up. She explained, but it didn't fully make sense to me. I listened and responded to what she brought up, and asked her to explain again what the connection was to what I was talking about. She said that she wasn't sure, but that she was tired and couldn't think about it any further. I got upset and said that it's not fair that she's always tired Monday evening, and we can't adequately and fully address what I bring up in therapy.

She hung up the video call abruptly when we still had 2 minutes left. I tried to call her back, but she hung up on me. I text messaged her, and she responded that we would pick it up on Wednesday, but I was upset and continued to message her. She then said that she was about to terminate me because I was text messaging her.

If the therapist can't emotionally regulate herself, how can I be expected to be calm and not anxious and regulate myself?

It's not right or professional for the therapist to hang up the video call just like that. I offered her to stop doing therapy on Monday at 5:45pm after I noticed that she's tired at that hour. At first, she took me up on the offer, but changed her mind. She's always checking the clock on Monday evening. I'm her last patient on Monday. But on other days when we would do therapy – Wednesday and Friday – we could go one or two minutes over. It's not an issue. She's not obsessively looking at the clock or in a hurry to get off the call.

When the therapist said that we would pick it up on Wednesday, I probably shouldn't have continued to write to her anymore especially because she has rules about no outside contact and text messaging. In that moment, I just felt really upset and that what she did was wrong. Maybe it was justifiable for me to call her back or demand that we finish up our 2 minutes. But just because it's justifiable doesn't mean it's a wise thing to do given that the therapist was already tired, has rules about outside contact, and things between us are volatile as we're repairing.

Things between the therapist and I had been going very well. We even started the call with her sharing that she felt like sending me two to three heart shape emoticons over the weekend, but didn't do it. Then in almost a very bipolar way, things suddenly just changed in the last 10 to 15 minutes of our conversation. It's unfair. Maybe I shouldn't have continued to ask the therapist why this and why that because she was already feeling tired, and that probably only made her feel pressured. But therapists should maintain a degree of composure. If they can't emotionally regulate themselves, how can they expect the patient to do it?

It's an exhausting pattern for therapy on Mondays to do badly because the therapist is tired and has decreased tolerance while we spent the rest of the week repairing whatever it is that happened on Monday.

[yomombosis]

wow that's terrible

[ArtleyWilkins]

You repeatedly say things have been going well with your therapist, but in your last thread, you wrote about things not going well and about threatening your therapist. I’m not sure you are being real with yourself about how precarious your situation is with her.

I agree that a therapist’s responsibility is to manage their emotions concerning their clients; however, it sounds like your therapist is a bit at the end of her rope in her ability to work with you.

Is it perhaps time to consider finding a different therapist? I’m wondering if this one can continue to effectively work with you under the circumstances anymore.

But therapists should maintain a degree of composure. If they can't emotionally regulate themselves, how can they expect the patient to do it?

I am not seeing where she failed to maintain composure. It sounds as if she upheld her boundaries about time, text messaging, whilst providing what emotional support she can. Her boundaries seem intolerable to you. She will be imperfect and she will not meet all your needs. Your absolutism must cause you a lot of pain and frustration.

[divine1966]

I don’t see how your therapist isn’t emotionally regulating herself or not maintaining composure. From what you described she is very much regulating herself by maintaining her boundaries. If my boundaries are not to talk on the phone after 10pm but a person kept calling, I’d not speak to them. Not because I don’t regulate myself or can’t maintain composure but because my boundaries are not talking on the phone after 10pm. It’s nothing to do with regulating my emotions. In addition it sounds as your therapist was put into a position of enforcing stricter boundaries after you threatened to kill her.

Having said that, you might need more flexible therapist who is willing to stay after and answer the phone at all times and have looser boundaries. If this therapist causes so much turmoil, please consider a different therapist if possible. Many people on here report that their therapists will talk to them after hours.

[mindmechanic]

Things have been going back and forth. Our repair some days do not go well; other days they are well. Things had been going well in the past week, and she even promised to bring back some outside contact. In fact, we started our therapy yesterday with her voluntarily saying that she felt like sending me a couple of heart shape emoticons over the weekend. I haven't been text messaging her, and she said that she was missing some of the messages that I would send to her.

Did any of you even read my entire post? The therapist hung up the video call abruptly without saying goodbye or anything like that when we still had 2 minutes left on the call. I was her last patient yesterday evening. She was obsessively checking the time. We were literally in the middle of a conversation, and she hung up.

[zoiecat]

I had a similar problem with my therapist. I've been seeing him for almost four years now and always the last appointment of the day. It got to a point where he would get testy with me and lose patience and he would yawn a lot and when he realized that it was causing problems he asked me if we can move to first thing in the day so that he would be more alert and have the patience for me that I deserved. We made the move to first thing in the morning and things have been great ever since. I can understand how some therapists will lose patience at the end of the day especially if they have some very difficult clients before you and I know my therapist had one right before me she would always be late come out crying one day there was an emergency so I know it was not easy on him with her. You may want to ask if you can switch to an earlier time might make all the difference in the world.

[InkyBooky]

It sounds like she is burned-out by the end of the day. Of course, that is her responsibility to manage her day (and her energy levels); however, she is only human. You may want to cut her a little slack here since she has also shown herself to be very patient and available for you despite your recent ruptures (and some boundary pushing on your end). In other words, she has given you some leeway and grace recently- so maybe you could extend the same to her?

This is just a suggestion. Obviously you need to tell her how you feel, but perhaps you can allow some gray area to exist instead of insisting on things being black and white.

I know whenever I have offered some understanding and patience around some issue I have with my T (even when I think she messed up) it has gone a long way to building the relationship. Therapists aren't machines...they are humans too. Just some perspective for you. Hope it works out! These situations can be tough, but therapy gives us a chance to explore new patterns of relating in order to improve ourselves and our personal relationships outside of therapy.

[stopdog]

Therapists are paid to do a job - I would not cut a therapist slack unless they cut their fee. It has nothing at all to do with being a human or not - they set themselves up as somehow special (I do not believe they are but they set it up that way) and they should be held to it

[mindmechanic]

@InkyBooky: I can definitely allow some gray to exist. What you said is reasonable. I think that I'm just fed up with Mondays going badly and the therapist always being in a hurry to get off the call while I'm left feeling triggered and anxious and we spend the rest of the week repairing. I offered her to stop doing Mondays at 5:45pm because she's tired and it's a disservice to our work and relationship. At first, she accepted my offer, but later changed her mind. I think that I need to hold my ground and never do Mondays at 5:45pm again.

I felt that it was my right to contact her last night after she abruptly hung up on me. At first, I apologized for any role that I played in making her feel pressured when she was already tired. I then resented my apology and called her out. That's when she said that she's about to terminate me because she can't do this anymore – the outside contact. But what did she expect? Did she really think that I wouldn't freak out, write, or call her when she hung up abruptly on me like that? I now know that just because I felt upset and that I had the right to a proper ending because we had 2 minutes left doesn't mean it was wise for me to contact her multiple times last night. That's the only thing that I think I did wrong last night, but I hope that the therapist can see her role in it.

[Shotokan]

I think it might be a good idea to try another therapist. You could tell her that you'd like to take a break from therapy then you can see someone else. If it doesn't work out with another one, you could see if you could go back to her.

I think a lot of time is wasted on the relationship with this therapist and not being able to focus on your real issues that you came to therapy to work on.

[Under*Over]

I dont know if I am allowed to say this, but reading your past threads about your therapeutic relationship- you seem to be at least bordering on abusive.

Your therapist is a human being who cannot be expected to match whatever ideal you have currently in your head. She can be 1 minute late to session or cut sessions short by 2 minutes and its normal- your reactions, are not. You cant threaten to kill people and then show up at their places of employment just because you are having a bad day. That just isnt ok. You cant spam people again and again when they have told you they are uncomfortable and then act like you did nothing wrong again and again. You are fooling yourself and your therapist seems to be being exceptionally patient with your honestly, really intense and inappropriate behaviors.

This is about you, not her and how you treat people. And I really think you need to start looking at yourself more

[daisydid]

A couple of thoughts. First, assuming that you live in the United States and utilize insurance for your therapy appointments, the length of a session will vary depending on the code with which your therapist bills the insurance. For instance, my therapist bills under a 60 minute code, so that session length can last anywhere from 45-60 minutes. If this is not the case, then perhaps there is merit in you complaining about the 2 minutes. And should your therapist have ended the session that abruptly? No, of course not. There are multiple things that your therapist has done recently that are not proper. I would challenge you that things have been going well, and I continue to be baffled that she continues to see you.

Second, if you find that your Monday sessions are that problematic, you have every right to not have a session with her at that time. It would be your therapist’s decision as to whether or not to reschedule you at another time, as she is responsible for managing her schedule.

I know that this is not what you want to hear, but I believe that your relationship with your therapist is beyond repair. I implore you to find another therapist that will be willing to work with you on your troubling attachment issues.

[stopdog]

Therapists only claim to be "human" when they are presented with their many failings. Otherwise, they enjoy pretending to be better than their clients.
If I am paying one of those people by the 50 minute hour - then they had better not try to end early - unless they want to cut the bill.

[daisydid]

I would assume, then, SD, that you’re paying out of pocket and not utilizing insurance, as I stated was an assumption in my original post. More information about the length of the session “hour” would be included in the agreements you signed at the beginning of your work with your therapist. This paperwork is PHI and can be requested from your therapist if needed.

SD, I know that you and I agree and disagree on a variety of subjects, but your assertion that anyone is subhuman is disgusting. Mindmechanic has the right to be provided care by a competent therapist (which I question whether or not this therapist is) and the therapist has the right to work and conduct business without fear of threat.

One of my favorite sayings is “there are three sides to every story: his side, her side, and the truth.” Mindmechanic has given their side of what happened in session, but it was incredibly vague. I’m sure the therapist has their take, and the truth is probably a mix of both accounts. We can only give our thoughts based on the information that we have, and in my opinion there seems to be a sense of entitlement that may be misguided. I wanted to provide information that may be applicable.

Nonsense like this reminds me of why I think this forum is toxic.

[stopdog]

My comment was not in response to yours. Also - I simply pointed out that therapists want to be adored - the only time the human thing comes up is when someone points out their many flaws. And then the acolytes and true believers rush to the defense of the therapist who could not care less. I find that disgusting. And yes, when I was tossing money at them for them to do nothing, I did pay out of pocket.
Therapists are worthless parasites/professional charity cases in my opinion. Therapists do not care what I think of them and certainly not as much as random strangers on this site do. I did not call them sub-human -that is on you. You are free to have whatever opinion of those people that you want.