Couch 226--CCXXVI Couch

I would liken it to dropping acid. But potato potahto

You're not an idiot.

I was my T's first client to admit I Googled her, I think (thing she said). Or maybe 2nd.

Once I accidentally Instagram called her public Instagram (nothing very personal, mostly food pics, clients are welcome to follow). Cut the call off ASAP, apologised to her next session saying it was an accident and I'm worried she feels stalked.

She told me she didn't consider it stalking and briefly mentioned she did have a client stalk her, and described what constitutes as stalking to her. Basically the client dug out her personal mobile number which she never gave out and repeatedly called at any hours including midnights and wouldn't stop even with T's repeated empathic confrontation. T still worked with her for a while (I think), until the client left of their own accord.

Really triggered even though I know I am safe and that my perpetrator brother doesn't know where I live or my number.

ArtieTheSequal, what did you hear when your therapist asked if you were stalking her? What did you interpret as being her "real" meaning? For example, if my therapist made a "joke" like this, I might hear her saying something like, "I want you to stay away from me because you are repulsive and poisonous". So, the issue to explore would not be whether or not I was stalking her, it would be my feelings of self-disgust which are so consuming that I become unable to accurately hear what someone is saying to me. As such, reassurance from her, from posters here, even from myself, would be pretty meaningless as the root issue is not being addressed.

In my head I guess I hear something like "Omg leave me alone isn't it enough that I have to spend an hour a week with you?"

Artie, I would call or email your T this morning. It would be better to clear it up if she was joking (highly likely!), as opposed to stressing about it until Friday.

You're not an idiot for telling her. I've had varying reactions from T's from telling them about things like that. Ex-MC was mostly OK with me finding his wife's Facebook page, but he asked me to not look at it anymore or search for other pages on Facebok involving her (I now realize it was because she was dying at that time, and he didn't want me to know that). But his wife's Facebook page is a step way beyond looking at his professional website (he isn't on Psychology Today).

Ex-T, meanwhile, was bothered when I said I found her Facebook and some article (in an alumni newsletter about her husband). However, she said she had been stalked by a client in the past, and that's why it made her uncomfortable. And she meant truly stalked, not like looking at her Psychology Today profile. Like this client worked in medical coding/billing and actual looked up ex-T's medical records, which is a huge breach. And I think they did other stuff, too.

And Dr. T had some negative reactions to things I've told him like that, but he's weird about some stuff like that (see: the stone incident, for one, and that was something that *he* gave me). I mean, he was bothered when I mentioned something about where he grew up (like, well, since you grew up in x area of our state) and he asked me how I knew that. I was like, "Um, it's on the front page of your professional website in your bio? That I read when I started seeing you?" He checked later and apologized to me for his reaction. I had also, earlier on, mentioned a thing or two I'd found out from Googling. I've learned just not to tell him about anything like that now.

However, in *none* of those cases did they even come close to suggesting that they would consider terminating me for that. They may have been a bit concerned or bothered, but, as Dr. T would say, "It didn't threaten the relationship." So please just check in with your T about this--she doesn't seem the type that would truly be bothered by it. And if she was, it's likely due to something that happened in her past rather than being about you.

This sounds like your horror at the concept that you want more.

I asked my T why he looked so annoyed in session today and he said, “I’m tired of holding the responsibility for your mental health.” That one stung.

I came back to my BF’s place and looked like I’d been bonked over the head with a 2x4 and he said “try not to think about it, babe.” I tried to explain that therapy is complicated and I can’t just turn off my emotions. I don’t think he really gets it but he cuddled me and made me breakfast I can’t really ask for any more than that.

I know y’all think my T is a c**k s***er and I should yeet him ASAP. I *know*. It’s complicated because I really am much better than I was three years ago and I’m scared that it has to do with him specifically rather than therapy or his particular modality.

I also don’t know what to do about the BF. T says the BF is emotionally stunted, that I’m drawn to emotionally stunted men. I dunno if that’s right or not.

How do y’all explain the intensity of therapy to someone who has never been in it?

Does my BF just not experience intense feelings???

Not everyone does things the same way. I experience intense emotion but not in the way you all describe it. It is not me to do it that way. When I experience it, it is personal. I have no need to yammer on about it or obsess over it or tell others about it - that does not help me -usually that makes things much much worse for me. I have it and I go on. I hired therapists and I don't understand 99% of what people on this site describe.
I don't think trying to change someone to emote the way you want them to is going to be all that successful most of the time.
Women who are attracted to me are often attracted to my emotional stodginess and I am attracted to their more (in my view how I would experience it if was me) out of control emotionalism. On both sides there can then become challenges - for them it is "why don't you ever be emotional" and the resulting conflict can become the emotional reward and for me it is oh good god this again? and I go through motions or walk away. Sometimes, like with my person, we figure out how to love each other anyway. Sometimes we both decide to quit. Sometimes just one of us decides to quit. Sometimes we become friends instead of lovers.

Something to think about for sure. Thank you.

Random thoughts:

-is that not kinda sorta a therapist's job description?
-how is a guy who offers a promise ring in all sincerity emotionally stunted?
-and if you are drawn to emotionally stunted men, what does that make your therapist? (I don't think he's thought that one through.)

I agree with all of these points...

Everyone is emotionally stunted. Only an incurious idiot thinks that they are operating on a sophisticated emotional level. Everyone is a messy human animal.

That first comment--ugh...that would sting me as well.

I think it can be very difficult to explain the emotional intensity of therapy to those who either haven't experienced therapy at all OR who did have therapy, but weren't that affected by it emotionally (this applies to a couple of my friends and sort of to H, who was in marriage counseling with me, but didn't have his own therapy).

I'm not sure if it might help to say it brings up stuff from childhood? So it can affect you in a way it might affect a child vs. an adult?

And I can't really say about your BF. I mean, it sounds like he's certainly capable of love and affection. Many people just don't feel things that deeply in general. Also, is it possible something cultural could be coming into play here? Though... really it's an American thing, too, the stereotype of guys being taught to not feel things, or at least to keep their emotions hidden. As opposed to say, just picking a country, Italy, where people are known to be more expressive emotionally in general (I think that includes men?)

And he is likely unsure how to handle your strong emotions. I mean, I've been with H for close to 15 years total (married nearly 13), and *he* still seems unsure how to handle them, even as I've tried to tell him at times. And, again, this is another stereotype about men in general, so apologies, but they tend to want to fix things, while women want to talk them out. So your BF wants to make you feel better, so he's holding you and making you breakfast. Where you may want to talk about it. And are seeing that as a signal that he *doesn't* want to talk about it.

If you do want to talk, I'd try telling him that and that you aren't asking him to fix it, but just want him to listen. And, I don't know, maybe even try asking him about what things, if any, he feels deeply. Even if it's more of a positive deep emotion, like intense joy or love. Or, for more negative, if he's grieved a loss before. It could help him understand, maybe?

Artie, I'm sorry you are still having trouble with the stalked comment. I think you are going to have to talk to T about it. I definitely don't think you did anything wrong. Psychology Today is a public advertising place for therapists. It's where you go to find a therapist for goodness sake! I don't particularly like Dr. K's picture on there. I think it makes him look brooding but I'm still going to give him a go. I adore former T's picture on there. It's full of happiness and light and everything I love about her. Current T isn't on Psychology Today so I don't have any pictures of her to look at. She isn't very techie. I have googled her of course but came up with past employment not pictures. I don't think you did anything wrong. I look at former T's picture and profile from time to time. It just helps me feel connected. Maybe it does something like that for you too. HUGS if wanted, Kit

I got my first Covid shot yesterday. Pfizer. I felt immediately nauseated but didn't throw up. And since then my arm has just been sore. I'll be more relieved when I have the second shot.

Glad you were able to get it and aren't suffering side effects that are too bad. Incidentally I've read that studies have shown people tend to get about 80% immunity 2 weeks after the first Pfizer shot (which for me is tomorrow), then goes up after the second shot. I get my second a week from tomorrow.

Just as an fyi -I(and there are others like me) am fine being there the first 20 times or so -but I start to crack around emotional hoohah over the same damn thing around the 21st time and I am less sympathetic or empathic or understanding or what ever around time 22. Even if I manage to act like I don't find it ridiculous to keep getting unhinged about the same thing over and over and not doing something different or just get over it or just suck it up and go on- I think it. I don't want to keep hearing the same thing all the time - yes yes -x is upsetting - we know that - move on. There is only so much talking about something people like me can abide. I truly don't get the point, I find it boring, and I often think the person talking is getting something out of being an emotional wreck - which is fine -but I'm not going to get all engaged with it or keep enabling the person doing it.

We all have issues. I get emotional -when I get emotional -I tend to retreat and withdraw. When it is about therapists I write about it here and on other sites. I rarely talk about it with anyone in my real life. They would not be useful to me. But that is not the point I am making here - all I am trying to get at is that expecting someone who is not being emotional in the way someone expects - is probably just not going to ever be that - at best, we/they might be able to act like it from time to time or for awhile.

The grass cutting season has arrived. It seems early this year.

Thanks, Kit. I don't know why I can't let it go. I guess it's that being stuck on emotional repeat like comrademoomoo said (I think that's who it was).


I will talk with L about it on Friday (or sooner if I break down and call her before then). I like reading her profile because it helps me remember things I've learned in therapy, it helps me remember why I am still in therapy, and makes me feel better when I'm having a bad or stressful day. I hate feeling like I can't look at it anymore. Oh well.

Glad you got your 1st one. I got the Pfizer as well, my 2nd one was this past Friday morning. I got really tired that afternoon and slept for like 5 hours but that was it as far as side effects for me. Well, the injection site itched a little yesterday but nothing major.


Oh wow, I hadn't read that it was that high after the 1st one. That's great. Good luck with your 2nd one, hope you don't get any side effects and if you do, that they're minor.

My friend who I drove to an out of town place to get her shot, felt sick after the first pfizer shot - she did not actually throw up-but felt like she might (and we were in my car - so we were both a little concerned). The second one just made her feel blah for a couple of days with a sore arm.

Out of curiosity, has your friend had other shots or much bloodwork done? Same question for Kit. Wondering if it could partly be a vasovagal response to getting the shot?

I tend to get that when getting bloodwork done or any vaccine, where I feel lightheaded and rather nauseated. (The worst was the time I stupidly did a fasting blood test at like 2 pm...). I read someplace how tensing all your muscles, aside from the arm where you're getting the shot/bloodwork (or even just feet/legs/butt), can help keep it from happening, and that's helped me since.

I did have some nausea from the first Pfizer one, but it was hours later.

It brings you comfort and there's nothing wrong with that.

I don't know