Couch 226--CCXXVI Couch

Hugs, QM... I'm sorry you've been so triggered lately.


I agree that there is a power differential in therapy. My T claimed at one point that the client has the power, because they can leave anytime. While I countered that I could also be terminated anytime. He said he wouldn't do that (unless I threatened him). To which I said he still theoretically could. Or he could change the rules (say, regarding outside communication) or how he acted toward me such that I would *want* to leave. He understood my point.

Hugs, Lost...

You hire them, you can fire them. They can quit. It is no different than a dentist or accountant.

Yeah, I get that when I'm in adult mode. Definitely not when my brain gets weird. I have to keep reminding myself I'll be ok whatever happens, if she quits, if I fire her etc.

Hugs. I sent an angry email while crying, which I regret. Don't recommend it. I'm usually careful with my words, and it's not fair to her that I was harsh. Being triggered doesn't excuse me.

She wrote back and among other things (such as pointing out my harsh tone, acknowledging there's a relative power differential), asked me why I'm so suddenly so very upset.

I think I feel powerless relative to her. That I'm "too attached" and "too dependent/needy" even though I know I'm an adult. I know of course she is within her rights to terminate me, and it's also true I can choose to leave... but yeah I get horribly dysregulated when I think about spacing out sessions etc. Then I am flooded with shame because that's proof I'm too attached, already too dependent and needy etc. So I then feel anger at my emotional powerlessness, so more shame. Horrible loop.

I've always been ashamed of coming across as "too dependent" in therapy especially since I'm not just an adult, there's a stigma on needing any therapy, much less long term therapy.

I was feeling bad and asked BF for reassurance. He said confidence is sexy. I told him that wasn’t helpful. He told me that I am smart and pretty and am full of potential, that I should be happy. I told him it doesn’t work like that.

I’m afraid he’s never going to get this.

I’m afraid that one day I’m going to get seriously depressed and he won’t be able to tolerate it, that he’ll say I should have warned him even though I have.

Hugs, QM. I'm glad she acknowledged the power differential. I've sent angry/harsh emails before, too--and my T has responded...harshly at times, so I've learned to do my best to avoid them. But it can be difficult when you're feeling dysregulated to just sit there with the feelings.


I get what you mean also in the fears of being too attached and too dependent. I'm intending to go back to twice a week sometime in the next couple months, and it scares me a bit. And I know Dr. T is going to go on vacation (or at least take time off) at *some* point, likely in the next couple monts, so I worry about that. He's learned to never bring up reducing sessions to me (even something like, "When you're ready to reduce sessions," as he did a couple years ago when I was twice a week) because it really triggers me. Could you ask your T not to mention reducing sessions, that you'll bring it up when you're ready?

Hugs. Sounds like he doesn't understand, but is trying to be supportive if what he said wasn't in a dismissive tone.

I'm wondering if he would be willing to read up about depression, as well as how to validate and support.

Hm, yeah, I wouldn't find those things to be helpful either. Because then it implies that there's something wrong with you for not feeling happy.

I think it's really that he just doesn't understand depression (and other mental health issues), not that he's intending to be critical. That he thinks he's being helpful and doesn't understand how he isn't. If you had a different therapist (who wasn't negative about your BF), I'd suggest considering taking him with you to a session. But pretty sure that would be a disaster with this T...

I wonder...is he the type who would be willing to read up on something? Could you find, say, an article or two online, maybe even a book, that help describe what you're feeling? That how it's not like you can just snap out of it because someone compliments you or says you should be happy? Just a thought...

I really find it tough to check my tone when dysregulated. I was also attempting grounding, chores etc and it was like wave after wave of distress. What I felt to be "blunt without my usual extensive caveats and disclaimers" was definitely not how it landed. She said it was harsh and can trigger defensiveness in people. I wonder a bit if she thinks I'm this way with everyone... tbh no, only with her.

About therapy breaks, does Dr T do anything to help you with them? I'm glad he's learned not to bring up reducing sessions.

I think I can ask my T to avoid bringing it up, though I don't know if she'll agree. She wrote something about how session frequency needs to depend on if it is helpful or if that is reinforcing dependency. Which I agree, but you know, the dreaded "am I too dependent already?" I think I'm capable of bringing it up when I'm ready but what if I never am ready? I guess part of my issue is how I've pervasive self doubt.

It does sound like a mismatch. Tell him what you need when you want reassurance. What does that look for you? A hug or hearing " it's going to be okay" .

I was also going to suggest maybe he could read up about it too or watch a video- I love Andrew Solomon's. "Depression the secret we share" on youtube.

You could be happy. It's okay if you don't feel like a perky cheerleader right now.

Hugs, QM. I so relate to this that I bolded. I'm pretty sure that's a big part of why I'm so stuck on the whole possibility that L thinks I'm stalking her because of the psychtoday profile thing I've been on about. I'm afraid she thinks I'm overly dependent, far too needy, etc etc and feel ashamed that I do rely on her/therapy and also feel a lot of shame that I haven't "got myself figured out yet" at going on 59. Shame at feeling so broken this late in life. That I can't just magically be some better version of myself. Like I'm doing life wrong.

I got some lemoncello (that is how the package spells it) almonds at costco today -they are okay. I would like them tart-er -they are a little too sweet for me. They have a cult like following and I wanted to see what the fuss was all about.

Do you find "it's going to be okay" reassuring in areas where the person has absolutely no idea whether it will be or not?

When that has been said to me, by someone who would hardly know whether things would be okay or not, it hasn't been reassuring about the situation. It's been reassuring more as an expression of caring or confidence in me.

Absolutely not. We have no way of knowing if things are going to be okay or not. To say that it will feels like a lie. You’re just trying to manipulate my feelings. If you don’t want to deal with me, fine, but I have the right to feel the way I do.

I don't know who this question was directed at but for me, yes, I do find that helpful. Mostly because of my religious beliefs, I do think that it is ultimately going to be okay. It might not turn out the way I thought it would and there may be more heartache and struggles along the way, BUT in the end, when it is all said and done, it is going to be okay. Just my thoughts. My 2 cents. For what it's worth. Probably not much.

L always tells me that it's okay to not be okay.

Babies are 100% dependent on their caregivers. The way i see it is that you have to be dependent in order to become independent. Not a criticism, but why does L's opinion of you matter more then your own? You haven't turned up at her door at midnight.or followed her whilst she was out Everybody has needs - sex, food, CHOCOLATE whatever. I think women in general are taught to take care of everyone else then put themselves last if at all on that list. What are your needs? Do you need the feeling of connection? Do you need to be seen? Do you need to be held?

You are you and It's okay to be the way you are now. You don't have to be better- It's okay not to have everything figured out at any age!

Please listen to this song: I got so much out of it :



Edit:



I was listening to this today. Might not be for you, but he explains why trying to be your most authentic self can be healing.

I tell it to myself -because at the bottom line, I don't think life matters all that much in a vacuum and it is all ultimately monopoly money anyway. But hearing it from others often feels dismissive. From a therapist, I took it as the height of arrogance AND dismissive on their part - how the hell would they know and they are paid to sit there and pretend listen to whatever I want to tell them. I only find it actively useful from someone who knows - like X is okay we can build around it sort of thing

I don't think a therapist has ever said that to me. Just as well, probably.

Who has said it--partners, friends. But come to think of it, it's mostly me saying it to myself. And I guess I believe myself--"it" might not be okay, but I will.

The first woman said it once - I told her how she was wrong and that I knew she had no idea what she was talking about. The second one didn't that I recall

I need to hear this so badly sometimes. My brother uses it a lot with me at times when i can't see past my current issue and it feels massive or when I'm feeling bad about minor stuff.

Hmm. I'm stuck in a place in my life right now with my husband's COVID journey, where "it's going to be okay" is clearly not objectively fact and certainly not predictable. Even the doctors never say that because they don't know what's around the corner.

But I do appreciate those that say something like "you will get through this one way or another." I DO know I will get through this. Even if he dies, I will get through it. I don't always "feel" that though, and I do find it supportive when people simply acknowledge it is a tough road we are on and they know I am managing it day by day to the best of my ability. It validates the struggle and my experience without platitudes or advice.

Maybe Chiro, what your BF needs it to just hear from you what IS helpful to hear when you are struggling. People sometimes try to say the right things and stumble all over themselves in the process. But if we clarify what our journey is like and what is helpful as far as support goes, most are more than willing to try to do differently.

I have chronicled my husband's situation on Facebook for family and friends. It's easier to do that than to answer a thousand questions (often the same questions over and over again), and we have a group of about 50 people who have very faithfully followed his progress and who tell me they appreciate me being frank about the struggle and about what they can do to help.

It is very baring and sort of humbling to share our struggles and directly ask for what we need, but those that truly care will listen and learn and adjust IF we communicate directly. I think where we so often get frustrated and feel slighted is when we want people to just organically read our minds and just somehow "know" what to do or say. But the reality is no one quite knows what we are experiencing and what we need unless we communicate directly with them.

We are covered in pollen in my area. This usually doesn't affect me much, but my cat loves to roll around on the ground and then he wants to rub his face on mine. He's a very affectionate cat and I love that but it's causing a lot of unpleasant allergy symptoms. I have some kitty cleansing wipes... he won't appreciate it, but I may have to subject him to those when he comes in.