Couch 228--The Wellness Couch

Also MSF sounds very close to NSFW.

(Not safe for work, translated for stopdog. )

Good point, @@

Not only would I not have known what nsfw is - I don't understand the phrase. Is it like untrained chainsaw workers?

Silly. Its porn.

Are you serious? What has porn got to do with work? You kids get off my lawn.

It’s internet content you shouldn’t view at work lest others be offended. Porn, violence, snuff films, or for you, therapy sessions...

(Just to translate it into stopdog.)

Therapy at work? The horror.

We should change our names to larry, moe, and curley.

You’re the balding one, right?

What about Shemp?

Me too!


Yep!

I still think of this place as PC as well. MSF just doesn’t work, though I’m thankful the forums still exist.

H and I have had a windfall recently and H wants to ruin it. I thought that we were going to have to use the last stimulus to pay some bills, but that’s not the case. I told H this tonight and that I want to sit down tomorrow to talk about how we want to use the money. He called a bit later and said that he wanted to use some of it to do some car maintenance which I 100% agree with. Then he said that he wanted to build a super gaming computer; it’s been something that he’s wanted to do for a while. My response was, “let’s discuss this more tomorrow like we agreed upon,” but I hate this idea of his. We have a laptop now that is barely used, and if he builds the computer then he’s going to need to purchase all of his games again. Also, it kind of irks me because if we build the computer it would take up the remainder of the money, leaving me with no ability to buy anything for myself. But at the same time I don’t want to be dismissive when I know it’s something that he really wants. Suggestions, couch brethren?

Sorry, I don't understand this part. Is he not using cloud based gaming library platforms like "Steam" and "Origin"? On those platforms, you don't have to repurchase games and they store your games' save files in the cloud.

Steam (service - Wikipedia)

(My partner, myself, and lots of my friends in my age range of 30s are gamers.)

That said, I do feel its selfish for him to want to leave you nothing to spend on yourself. And paying bills are important.

Hurting a ton emotionally. Lots of shame about it. I feel I'm pathetic for not being "over" abuse, that I'm struggling with a "new" alter which came forward. They're another trauma holder, and I just feel terrible.

Still pretty depressed. I see T this week, and it's around 2.5 weeks to see my psychiatrist.

QM - idk. For me to be over my abuse, i would have to do things that i have not been trained to do. Omg - i just remembered that i do not like when professionals say they have been trained to do something, like a surgery technique. I dont want someone "trained", i want someone who KNOWS.

But Maybe this is why i never liked the expression. Because i knew i would never develop certain skills, like having human relationships, becoming comfortable with intimacy, not having been raised / trained in the knowledge of them.

I think for me, it sometimes is similar, even if it sounds pessimistic: I'm learning plenty of stuff I didn't grow up learning, yet adulthood naturally offers less room for mistakes. Eg, boundaries in human relationships, consequences at work. There might also be things I might never "overcome" or achieve "expected proficiency" in. I already hide my dissociative amnesia the best I can, for example, but I can't hide the daily life episodes as easily. Friends have noticed and asked. It's glaringly obvious to my psychiatrist.

My issues with intimacy are actually badly affecting my long term romantic relationship.

I'm starting to worry about how my symptoms haven't particularly improved a year after I moved out. I'm in my early 30s and I need to rebuild my functioning so as to resume working. I'm scrambling to sort out medical neglect, wondering why I'm so very tired etc.

And yeah, my T is trained, is very skilled, she understands...but she doesn't "know" on a emotional, visceral level. Most of my friends around my age (unless they too have abuse) don't understand what it's like to have chronic illnesses be it physical or mental. They don't understand prolonged abuse isn't so easily healed or gotten over. They wonder why I'm still struggling, they give ignorant basic unsolicited advice based on incorrect assumptions. Like I haven't Googled tons, read clinical research, am in therapy, cook and eat as healthy as I can afford, exercise every day, engage in self help, take my meds. As much as I know they care (so I feel guilty criticising), why do people assume we're not already doing everything we can?

Seriously, I'm not against advice or suggestions but yeah, it's insulting when it's worded like I know nothing. Like a friend saying I need to cut down on fried foods, when I've not eaten anything fried for years, and literally told her that.

Even my partner sometimes says I lack willpower. Like I WANT to be in my current state.

I know I made the right decision by moving out from my family, but I admit my functioning is so bad now compared to when I lived with them. And I don't think I can "get over" some of the messed up beliefs they made crystal clear to me before I left.

Hugs, QM. It sounds like you're working really hard on yourself and doing all that you can. It's difficult when other people can't see that. And don't get why it can be so challenging.

So one thought is: After the car repairs, could you split the money down the middle, so you can each use half to spend however you want? Maybe he won't be able to get some really fancy gaming computer, but he could still build something most likely. My H recently built himself a desktop, and there's a wide range of prices of components. Like maybe your H can't get the exact graphics card he might want, but he could get one that's pretty decent. The other thing with building your own is that you can always upgrade later. So he could maybe save up for getting nicer components.

Or is there something you could get with the money that you'd *both* like and benefit from? Whether physical items, a trip, etc.?

This is more big picture/long-term, but we use You Need A Budget to resolve these sorts of things. We each have pools of money for our hobbies and other "wants." (One is called "Fun Money" for general family fun stuff and another one is called "Yarn Fund" that's just for me.) If we get a windfall, we figure out a way to allocate the money that seems fair and makes sense. So if this particular sum wasn't enough money for the gaming rig of his dreams, your H could put the money in his pool and keep adding to it over the months until he had enough. Anecdotally, I've also heard it's a tough time to be building a computer right now with the chip shortage, so he might end up needing to wait a bit anyway.

Split the left over money after the needed car stuff. Half for you. Half for him. Then he can save up more for all the extra games and there's no resentment.

Jim Rohn also said that they had a "no questions asked pot" for his wife, so she wouldn't have to ask him for money if she wanted things for herself and not for the kids or home. Each partner in my opinion should always have "fun" money apart from savings to do what they want.

Edit: We think alike LT. I posted my comment before I read yours!

Dr. T used a phrase today that really resonated with me (I'll get to that in a minute). I wanted to write it down, but then had trouble finding a pen, I finally found one, and as I started to write, the top part came off and shot across the room. I retrieved it and tried again, same issue. So it added a bit of a light moment. Then I started to just type a note in my computer, right as he was suggesting it. He said I also could have done a note on my phone, which is how I'd probably usually handle it (like at an in-person session), and I have no idea why that didn't occur to me.

So the phrase was "the privilege of suffering." It's essentially the teach someone to fish vs. giving them fish analogy. But he said it's something parents have to do with kids, because at some point, they have to figure out how to do things on their own, so you can't always do things for them. Or in this case, his working on teaching me to feel self-love, to believe I have innate worth, that I don't need to be perfect, rather than always seeking validation and reassurance from the outside. Like I can get frustrated with him at times because I just want to hear certain things, like things that ex-MC would say (and things I wish my parents had said). And yes, he'll say them sometimes (the email about how he cares deeply about my well-being, for example). But he doesn't offer it up as freely.

But I also now understand and can recognize how things ex-MC would say might help in the moment (being handed a fish), but wouldn't last (being taught to fish). Or things others would say to me. So then I just keep seeking more, to fill up a hole of some sort. And I think in some ways, drinking helps fill it as well, or at least helps push away the feelings that I need those things. And so he and I agreed that we need to focus more on my being able to feel self-worth and self-love.

Hugs, yeah.

I feel ridiculous that one of my biggest issues is struggling to have fun alone but hey sure I should "just do it!". If I could, I wouldn't have that problem. Yeah,I set myself "homework" for today (it's very late now), didn't do it.

Another one would be how T and my partner think I'm too democratic about my system members, that I need to be their boss / their "leader". Maybe I don't want that. But then maybe I'm misunderstanding him and her.

How do you feel about the session?

Thinking about my T saying recently that I don't validate myself.

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I know that saying “okay so I get some money, you get some” is the obvious answer, but that’s going to take me saying “no” to him, which is not one of my strong suits. I’ll just have to bite the bullet I suppose.

Very important to be able to be okay with making your own decisions, your own mistakes - knowing that mistakes are not the end of the world and aren't a reflection of your self-worth. Learning to figure out how to get through those mistakes on your own instead of needing others to fix things for you. Being able to be okay with yourself and not need other people to fill your "holes" for you, because honestly, no one can fill your holes for you - you have to be able to do that for yourself - healthily. Being able to be okay with the holes in the first place.

All skills good parents hopefully allow their kids to develop, but unfortunately too many hover and "fix" things for their kids too often. I see it ALL the time as an educator.

As adults that might not have gained those skills early on, figuring out how to do these things for ourselves, by ourselves, is a process, but completely obtainable. But you do have to make some very conscious choices to change old habits and patterns, and breaking habits can be anxiety-making and fraught with falling back into old patterns for awhile until you establish new ones.

I remember my therapist working with me to change my habits, my defaults. I sometimes got so frustrated about them being called habits - I took that as a judgment. It really wasn't a judgment (except on my part actually) - just the reality. Once I finally took personal responsibility for making different choices, I started getting unstuck and making real forward progress.

It's a process though. Be patient with yourself - just like you would be with your own child really. Encourage yourself. Remind yourself even if you backtrack, you can pick up and start again. Eventually it will get easier as you have more experience with it.

Don't think of it as saying "no" so much as presenting a different plan - a compromise. It's okay to have your own plan and advocate for it in a marriage. Yes, it might mean he doesn't get it all built right now, but he can get started. It is more that what he has the ability to do without the funds. And you can get started on whatever it is you would like to do with the funds too. Hope it all works out.