Couch 228--The Wellness Couch

Bah, I’m procrastinating so hard today. Had brunch with the BF and his friend, which was lovely. But now I’m back at my apt surrounded by boxes that need labeling and I have done nothing for the last hour. Ugh. Maybe I’ll try to take a nap and see if I wake up more motivated.

Just having a t was giving me a fish. Because to teach me to fish? What regular people grasp intuitively about other people, takes me years to see and extricate myself from. And truthfully the t situations weren't that great either. How can you trust people when your parents never let you trust them? It seems like every card in the deck is the Joker. Ooh, thats an interesting thing for ME to say.

Could you just set a small goal? Like, "I'm going to focus on the boxes for 15 minutes and then take a break"?

Hi Couchies. I did have to put my cat Esther down the other day. She was in a diabetic something. Not a coma but something really bad. And she has stomach cancer (which we knew) and she had kidney stones, and her heart was failing. I asked the doctor what were the options. He said, a specialist, the ER, or it was time to say goodbye. I asked him what he would do. He said he has been a vet for 31 years and to him it was time to say goodbye. So we made the decision to have her euthanized. Which was REALLY hard. But I wanted to do what was best for her. I cried and cried. We got to say goodbye and they promised it would be quick. I didn't want to be there for the procedure though. I was like, I can't watch her die. I just can't. So we said our goodbyes and I told her she was a good kitty and that I will always love her. Oh, I'm crying again! I've been crying off and on for the past two days. It's hard not having her sleep in my bed. It's hard not having her there in the morning waiting patiently to be fed. But I am at peace with the decision. I feel like to hang onto her longer would have been to cause her more suffering. So although my heart is breaking I feel like I did the best I could for my cat.

I had an appointment with Dr. K yesterday. It went okay. I taught him something new S.M.A.R.T. goals. We talked about thinking positive when negative thoughts come. I'm practicing that but I don't feel like I have a lot of negative thoughts. I also had an appointment with my care coordinator Kayla. That went well. She suggested I set an alarm for my dinnertime meds on my phone because sometimes I miss that one. So I did. And she wanted to see if I could get my appointment moved up with my Pdoc so I did. I moved it up a month. So I'll see him beginning of June. For the hallucinations. Kayla said she is really impressed with how much I value my mental health in doing all the things I am doing for it. I appreciated that. It was nice to hear a "good job." We are working on my motivation. Which is always hard. But if I can make some things a habit, then they will not be so dependent on my motivational state.

I'm so sorry, Kit...


And you did the right thing.

Big hugs, Kit. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I think you very much did the right thing for Esther too. Thank you for letting us know, I was wondering but afraid to ask. You are the best mommy she could have ever asked for. Many years ago, I did hang onto my cat King like a month longer than I should have, causing him more suffering just because I wasn't brave enough to let him go when I should have. He was so sick that he lived only to eat what little he could, he slept behind his food dish, and I had to give him subcutaneous fluids to keep him hydrated because he couldn't even drink enough anymore. I am crying with you for your loss and wishing I had been able to be as brave as you were.

I just keep thinking it was a bad dream. That she will be there when I get home. And yet I know it isn't a bad dream. I know it's real and that she is really gone and my heart hurts and my head hurts from crying. I miss her so much.

Yeah, I use a similar analogy: A starving person can't learn to fish without having sufficient food in their belly first.

Takes me such a long time to learn too. My T has been saying I've made a lot of progress but I look at my "regular people" circle and feel really far behind.

And not everyone can access good therapy with a T willing to work on the underlying developmental trauma and "missed stages" and how to recognise a safe interpersonal relationships and make safe friends etc.

Condolences, SK. I'm sorry about Esther.

Thank you so much.

So sorry, SK. That's always so hard, but you did the right thing.

Thank you Artley.

I'm so sorry for your loss Kit. I'm sure Esther knew how much you loved her.

Thank you Lemoncake. That means a lot.

SK-sorry to hear about your cat. It's hard when they have to leave but it is the kindest thing

Thank you stopdog.

Sorry to hear about Esther SK.

Thanks, it's been really a hard couple of days. I keep crying.

All the hugs, Kit. I'm sorry you had to say goodbye to Esther.

Thanks guys for all the consolation about the loss of Esther. I went online and ordered her a little garden stone for the garden to remember her. I put her name "Esther Rose" and the dates of her life "2005-2021" and there is a silhouette of a cat in the middle and paw prints up both sides of the garden stone. It will be nice to go out into the sun and think about how much she loved laying in the sun.

Cats can teach us a lot about how to relax.

That sounds beautiful, Kit. I'm glad you've found a way to remember her.

RIP Esther. It’s obvious to anyone who’s heard you talk about her how much you loved her. Now she’s crossed the Rainbow Bridge and not in pain anymore.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Kit. She will always remain in your life, but now tucked away safely, without pain, in your heart.

Today has been really rough. Ever since the one therapy session where everything changed, I feel like I’m sensitive to everything. Got triggered by something with my husband this morning, got triggered by something with a friend this afternoon. I’ve been hit and miss with coping. Today is a miss. I just want things to go back to the way they were before Pandora’s Box was opened.