Rupture with L

I'm so glad things are getting better! That's such great news.

I completely agree with you about the in-between stuff sucking AND I think that can be a really important place to be for a bit. For me, at least, tolerating the in-between stuff has helped with reducing my tendency for black-and-white thinking in relationships. If you can take a minute while you're there and try to hold onto the conflicting feelings and hold onto both your perspective and hers, it can really help you grow.

I'm glad things are improving. One of the hardest things to learn (and trust) is that relationships of any sort are not perfect - "perfect" is just not obtainable. Relationships are, by nature, sometimes messy because we are, by nature, messy. But a solid relationship withstands the mess. The mess doesn't mean anyone even intentionally set out to do harm or even actually caused harm; sometimes things just happen that end up that way and we feel harmed by the sequence of events moreso than the actual person. It's important to distinguish a bad series of events from a bad person.

Being able to tolerate the messiness of relationships, to not expect them to always go as planned, to not fall into that black and white thinking of this is ALL good or this is ALL bad, is really important to the sustainability of a trusting, healthy relationship of any kind.

Glad you are feeling better and just allowing this time to work itself out rather than reacting too quickly. The impulse sometimes is "I have to do something RIGHT NOW to feel differently," when generally the better thing to do is slow down, sit with it a bit, give it a bit of time, and allow that healthy relationship the trust it deserves to heal.

I’m glad to hear that things are getting better, Scarlet.

I noticed a contradiction of sorts in your upset post. You say that you need to work through the details, but you express that will likely cause more pain. Is it necessary to rehash the details? What do you gain from it? I don’t have an opinion on this, just some food for thought.

L says that we work through whatever comes to the surface. If today it's specific details, then that's what we work on. If tomorrow is feelings, then that's what we work on. And maybe, something will come up some time from now, then that's what we will work on. She tells me to trust my gut, my nervous system, and the process. That it has done right by me this far. She says the body, as well as the mind, wants to heal, and that healing will take place over time.

The reason I want to go through the details are because that's what's on my mind. I want to sort through "the dance". It's scary and painful, but I'm not into avoiding things just because they are hard. I'm also not into causing pain for the sake of working something out. But the pain already happened, and I feel in a better spot with L tvis week than I did last week.

Another update:
In today's session we talked more about the specifics. It was a good, albeit, uncomfortable session. I don't do well with hearing apologies from others. I'm much better at making the apology myself. Same with compliments and gift giving. So it was hard to hear L apologize. I took it in, and I accepted the apology. We actually discovered a lot about what happened: for her, for me, for us. There was a lot of clarity and it made sense for both of us. There's still more work with specifics that need to be done, but so far so good. I actually was happy to be with her today and was happy when I left. I feel good about us again. I'm feeling that comfort and security again.

Great Job Scarlet!

Glad to hear that, Scarlet! And it's also probably good for you to work with accepting apologies and compliments from others. I struggle with some similar things.

Good to hear, Scarlet!

L and I talked more today about the confusions we both had during the rupture. Overall, it went well. There was a little hiccup, but it was resolved quickly. We both apologized for our part of the confusion, we set up clarified expectations, and we did a little brainstorming about how to get me to ask for a call when I need it (I struggle so much with that!). We still have two more points to work on: the two disclosures that I didn't ask for. That will probably have to wait till next Friday because she's out of town next session. L says she's proud of me and feels like I'm including her as part of my team. It's so uncomfortable because it's all so unfamiliar too me (re: accepting apologies). But I'm trying and learning that it's okay.

I'm so glad L and I are back on the right track. Even she was worried because she knows how much I'm depending on this relationship right now. But we both feel the connection again, and I am definitely feeling the strength and safety of our relationship again.

I want to thank you all for helping me through this. I'm taking it one step at a time and learning to trust the process. I'm definitely not trying to push for anything to be resolved by a certain time, just letting what comes up come up.

L sounds like she’s a great T, I wish I could find a T like that.