Couch 229 - Acetominphen and

Congratulations, ATAT! That's fantastic.

Yeah, long covid is awful. I hope she can get some help through it. My daughter-in-law has been dealing with it.

Finally got signed into work earlier, had to have IT do some stuff. Not sure what happened with my computer. Oh, well. I handled my first specialty medication order today, I recently trained on that. i was nervous but i got through it. now i have some online training to do for a couple hours today, so that will be a nice break.

I ended up with nothing at all scheduled this morning (not sure how that happened), so I didn't set my alarm.

I slept all night.

It's like a miracle. I've been so desperate for regular decent sleep I've even tried acupuncture. The best part was waking up naturally instead of being yanked out of my sleep by my to-do list spinning in my head.

I called Wayfair about the missing table/chairs and they refunded my money on the spot! I'm so relieved. I mean, I'm still super mad that my apartment is apparently not safe (I've also had an Amazon package stolen in the last few days, something that I ordered before this all went down) but at least I'm not out $370.

I did also decide to file a police report. I don't think that the police will actually catch the person who did it, but it helps me feel like I'm at least taking steps towards justice (and maybe the thief will see the police folks who come to take the report and think twice next time).

WFS, so glad you got a good night's sleep. Chihiro, good to hear that you got your money back from Wayfair. Hopefully the police report will have some kind of positive outcome.

Ditto to all of this. In my experience, when a package goes missing, most places will give you a refund (or at least a store credit). I mean, if you claimed a package went missing every week from the same company, then...I think they'd stop offering refunds after a while! But I think they'd rather give a customer the benefit of the doubt and keep them than deny a refund.

So, just to update. I did mention to Dr. T partway through session yesterday that I was bothered some by his not remembering that we used to shake hands.

Only it didn't come out quite like that--I was crying and prefaced it with, "I know this is going to sound stupid, and I know it's been like 16 months, but I guess it kind of bothered me Monday when you said you didn't remember if we shook hands or not. Again, I know it might sound silly, but it's just how I felt." Or something to that effect. His initial response was just: "I appreciate you sharing those feelings." Which felt a bit...flat, I guess? It was partly in how he said it.

He went on to explain that his memory is good for shorter-term things that are currently going on (like, he'd remember what we'd talked about in the past month). But that it's not as good for things that are from longer ago. And gave some lengthy example about searching his email for something, and this one acquaintances name kept showing up, and reading the emails, he remembered that the person's sister had died in 2007. But that if you'd asked him before he reread them "What acquaintance's sister died in 2007?" he would have had no idea. But that he remembered when he read it.

And stuff about needing to remember many clients' narratives, and how if there's a client he hasn't seen for a few years who calls to request a session, he might have trouble remembering them at first, but then if he looks at their file and/or starts talking to them, he's like, "Oh, right." I said something about having memory issues at times, too.

I honestly wasn't that satisfied with his response, but I didn't say anything about it, because I know his response was completely reasonable, from a logical, adult standpoint. And that it was the child, emotional part of me that was unhappy with it.

I also mentioned some of the discussion on here where posters said I kept pushing his boundaries and that I didn't think I'd done that lately, but wanted to be sure. He said he couldn't think of anytime recently that I had. I said if I simply asked for something, and he said no, and I just accepted it (like shaking hands, fistbump, wanting to sit in my usual seat on the couch vs. a chair, etc.), then would that be crossing a boundary? He said no, particularly if I didn't know what his answer would be. That if I was asking something where I *knew* the answer would be no, such as "Can I sit in your lap?", then maybe possible boundary crossing. Which seemed like an odd example, but OK.

Tomorrow's the last session before he's away for a week, which I know isn't that long, but it's the longest he's been out since the pandemic started (like a 10-day gap between sessions when the longest had been 5).

Chihiro, is there an Amazon locker near you? There is one near my mother’s, inside a pharmacy, and I’ve used it a few times this summer. It could keep packages from them safe at least.

LT, one of the more infuriating things about me for Info (and some other people in my life) is that their memories are ****, and I’m not talking little things either. Info was like that even before grief hit her. With Info, it basically feeds into my frequent sense that she is just phoning it in and not really paying attention to me. I Zoomed with a friend in England the other day and although we haven’t seen each other in years, she remembered my last visits to her and things I’d said on email and it felt so awesome.

I use amazon locker a lot because I live in an area known for porch piracy. I am surprised an apartment building does not have a security camera in the lobby.

The first woman had a memory like a sieve. I doubt she remembered my name on her own - it was written in her calendar. One time, after I had been going for about 3 years in the same time and day she said something about looking at her calendar to see who was on that afternoon and when she saw I was amongst the idiots who kept hiring her blah blah blah - I was a little surprised she wasn't better at least at hiding her inability to remember anything. The second one was better at pretending to remember

Yes, I think that's what it is, that it feels like he (or other people who don't remember well, like, say, my H at times) hasn't been paying close attention. Like, "What else has he forgotten about?"

If he'd said something like, "I'm sorry I forgot about that," or even the pseudo-apology of "I'm sorry you were upset about that," it would have gone a long way. But the "well, my memory sucks" thing just felt sort of like a copout. And his example involved 2007--I was talking about early 2020. (Though, admittedly, it does feel like the pandemic has been going on about 14 years at this point.)

That sounds like a lovely conversation with your friend. I love friends like that, where you might not talk for ages, but then when you do talk, it feels like you'd just seen them the day before.

I'm not the person to talk about boundary pushing because I've been pushing at one for like a year now. It's actually finally been pretty fruitful with getting at some root of trauma things, but it's incredibly painful too.

Anyway, last week I asked if my T would be getting a new dog since her old one passed away several weeks ago. She mentioned that her (new-ish) husband prefers a smaller dog than the breed she loves and has had since childhood. I told her yesterday that the dog thing really bothered me. Instead of telling me this wasn't any of my business (it really isn't!) or explaining what she and her husband meant, she started asking a bunch of "why" questions and drilled into the thing underneath my irritation at her husband, which I hadn't totally been aware of before. It was kind of magical. So I think there are forms of therapy where one can be completely petulant and irrational and still make progress. I can see where the boring explanation of how Dr. T's memory works would be a little unsatisfying and beside the point from your perspective, LT.

@@, there is an Amazon locker near me. I’m annoyed about having to use it, though, because the stupid apartment manager told me when I toured the place (via Zoom) that packages would be delivered directly to my door and fellowship is super busy so having an extra errand to run is not something I’m excited about. So I might end up just relying on Amazon’s willingness to refund packages when they get stolen (I did put “do not leave in the lobby or it will get stolen” in the delivery instructions)… and then if I order something especially expensive or time-sensitive, I’ll use the locker.

LT, my therapist was notorious for forgetting details - he even called me by a different name at times - always the same name (I think I reminded him of a particular past client - I get the "you remind me of someone I knew" comment from people ALL the time so I'm sort of used to that). But he was always spot on about the most vital things concerning my history, so I could let the need to remind him of smaller details go. He knew who I WAS is great depth and with great insight which was much more important than any individual detail.

I'm one of those people, though, that truly has a crappy memory for details about other people. And when I have a multitude of people to try to keep track of (which is my life honestly), I am horrible at it. It is an awful trait for a teacher. I swear I sort of have that face blindness thing. I can remember names, and I can remember faces. But putting them together has always been incredibly difficult for me. I honestly talk to my students about this early on, and they are pretty forgiving as it takes me longer than most of their teachers. They know I am trying - they see the struggle - it's real (LOL), and they are wonderful about helping me get them all straight. (This year with them in masks was even worse. Ugh.)

So, I guess what I am getting at is that I understand and completely empathize with people who have trouble remembering details. That's why I have to keep such a detailed calendar, lots of lists, seating charts for my classroom complete with students pictures on them. But even with all of that, take away the seating chart, and I can very well be lost. Have a student come up to me out of context, and I may, quite frankly, have to ask them to remind me of their name. It's embarrassing, but I've learned to just be quite frank with people about it and get past the embarrassment or I'd spend my whole life embarrassed (and I did for a long time). It isn't for lack of effort. It doesn't mean I don't care or I'm not listening. I have just always had a crappy memory for certain details. No idea why. I am forever grateful that my students forgive my memory flaw, and they do, probably because I am just honest about it and don't try to pretend.

So . . . the handshake thing was big to you, but in the scheme and length of your therapy with him, it was one issue in many, many issues that have come up. Is he getting the big picture right though? Is your therapy helping you move forward or not? You do seem to bog down in the details sometimes. That's okay, but you have a therapist who doesn't bog down in the details. That worked fine for me, but only you can decide it that works for you or not.

I am terrible with names - the good thing is I just call students in class "counsel"

I've a poor memory, so I do things to compensate. Very forgetful about names and faces so I try to ask each person if they don't mind giving me a photo of them so I can save it with their number.

I've a lot of baggage around my name. Despite my Dad giving me the name together with the distinctive part, he only remembers my name right if he's angry with me. Other times, well, he'd call me by my 2 brother's names, then my sister's. Happened a lot. Then in virtually every other social setting with my family, I was always referred to as "X's sister" etc. Or this diminutive nickname I hated, while everyone else got called their proper names. Extra painful because I always got mocked for stating I hated that nickname, and to use my proper name. Extended family used it so much, the only cousin who respected my boundary told me he actually thought the nickname was my legal name.

I got upset with my T when she spelt my distinctive legal name wrong. Got upset with my former psychiatrist for forgetting my name. And of course, it hurts that my mother only stopped calling me by that hated nickname because I left.

Reminding myself that my T remembers all the important stuff about me.

Yup, that's how it works. "Why did you ask that?" is annoying but it leads to progress.

"Dolt" used to be popular, too.

Thanks, EM. That sounds like an interesting conversation with your T.


And yeah, I do wish he'd explored more with me about what I was feeling, why it affected me, etc. If this morning wasn't the last session before he goes on vacation, I might have brought that up with him. But I *really* don't want to have some sort of rupture right before he goes out of town. Though...something like this *really* shouldn't lead to a rupture. I'm just concerned he'd be all "Well, this is how I practice therapy, you should know that by now," and then I'll feel dismissed and it will be weird.

Thanks, Artley, you make some good points here. I also have some degree of face blindness--and I also tend to remind people of someone else, getting that, "Do I know you from somewhere?"

Out of curiosity, if you're talking to a student and need a reminder of who they are, do you apologize? Like, "I'm sorry about this, but I'm terrible with names. Could you remind me of yours?" In this case, I tend to be overly apologetic to people in general, so I never know if what is "normal" to me--like what I'd do and sort of expect from other people--is the same is what is "normal" for others.


And, yeah, I'm trying to look at the big picture with all of this. I think some of this is tied into T going out of town and also some anxiety about returning to in-person sessions after he returns, how that's going to feel, whether he'll be different etc. (I have the option of remaining virtual as long as or as often as I want, but want to give in-person a try.)

I proactively mass-apologize when I explain this to them early on, and then I generally don't apologize each time. That has taken me concerted effort. LOL! But it honestly is not for lack of effort on my part, so I decided to give myself some grace.

I usually just smile, and say, "Tell me your name again so I can be sure I don't have you confused with someone else." They honestly don't mind. Some of them just proactively hold their IDs being sure I can see them and I thank them for doing that. It's not every student every time, and it does improve as I get to know more about them personally. They figure that out too and make the effort to converse with me about things other than my class which really helps.

I know in the end, they appreciate me as a person and as their teacher. I cannot begin to explain how much support and grace they showed me that last semester while my husband was in the hospital - talk about brain fog - the private emails and messages, the cards and gifts. They get past this, probably my most major flaw as a teacher (really, it is a point of personal struggle), because they see the bigger picture. I guess that's what I also did with my therapist - looked at the bigger picture and stayed focused on that.

So my approach with my therapist, if I wanted to bring something up that was from a session some moons ago, would have been to start with, "Do you remember the time . . .?" The trick for me was to approach it not out of anger if he didn't remember all of it exactly the same way I did. I mean, people don't remember the same details out of an experience, even a more current experience - we just don't. In our memory, different details become more important than others, and our personal important details aren't necessarily the same as the other person's. My therapist and I didn't do this terribly often - I'm not one to rehash old sessions much. However, if it was really something we needed to revisit, we might even try to find that session in his notes and give it the time it deserves.

I wonder though if this was really about the handshake, or did this just trigger something else for you. I mean, you initially referred to him in a post as "idiot T" about this. That's a pretty strong reaction. Is this more about an anxiety about being forgotten or being on the back burner for a few weeks while he is gone?

My therapist used to remind me that when I was having a really sort of out-of-proportion gut reaction to something, the reaction probably had nothing to do with the actual incident and more to do with old messages I was still telling myself. It used to piss me off when he said that - he was sort of a broken record about it actually. LOL. But I learned he was right as time went on - much to my chagrin. I eventually (very eventually) became able to see it when it happened; stop myself from reacting to take the time to sit with it and figure out where the heck that gut, default reaction was coming from; and choose to react to more proportionately to the real incident, leaving the immediate incident to be handled more rationally. It takes a very conscious effort on my part to do this at times, but the more I have practiced it (his other mantra: practice, practice, practice), the more automatic it has become.

But that was a long response. My apologies, but honestly, this last part was probably THE most important long-term outcome of my therapy and has made my mental health SO much more stable.

I keep dreaming Barack is flirting with me.

We really need a laugh button. LOL.

I'd take dreams like that! (I'd say don't tell H, but even though he's straight, he probably wouldn't mind Barack flirting with him either.)

I hope ATAT took our warnings as to your fickleness to heart - exhankster with the wandering eye.

I never have dreams where someone is flirting with me. Or I don't know they are flirting with me - I have been accused more than once of not knowing when someone is flirting with me. One time a woman wrote me a card that just said "I was flirting with you" - I was like, really? That is not the way to flirt with me

But that’s the point some of us have been making—he doesn’t do that and he’s not going to change. So if you want that kind of exploration, you need a different therapist, or you need to do it yourself (entirely possible—one does not need a therapist for that).

Barack dreams are so yesterday. Retro even. Give me a man with an interesting face, like so: NPG P373; Samuel Beckett - Portrait - National Portrait Gallery

What is the way to flirt with you?