Couch 229 - Acetominphen and

LT- a quick thought. One of the very first posts I made on (then) PC was something about your perceptions of what the therapist "should" do/say/feel. So that idea is on my radar, and more about the way you write of your expectations and experiences in session than the therapist or session content. It was present with ex-t and MC, and now Doc t. I am neither a fan nor a not-fan of Dr T but I have noticed that the language you use and the ways you describe your "rocks" in session is changing. More nuance, you're more aware of your own self in the reactions, and...I dunno, like there's more of a willingness to just be mad or sad or irritated or whatever instead of spinning about the comment or interaction. My take is that regardless of the effectiveness of the therapist, you're working hard and I notice a change even if I can't quite articulate it.

I started giving him money many years ago when he would tell me to my face that he didn't like his present that I had bought. So I just went to money. It is impersonal but at least no one ever says they don't like money!

break time. morning couch! i had an interesting dream last night. I woke up from it 6 minutes before my alarm went off feeling happy and ready to leap out of bed and start my day haha. While i was writing it down I was hearing the beatles song all you need is love - at the verse where it says "there's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be... it's easy..." I am attempting to draw the dream now.

As a person who was in an abusive relationship, please don't send your abusive BIL anything. If your sister found out she would likely feel betrayed, like you're taking his side, something negative.

When my husband-at-the-time first got sent to jail after the arson, I was feeling bad that he was suddenly cut off from everyone he knew, so I suggested that my mom send him a letter of support. She apparently thought about it for a while and told me that she wasn't going to do that. It was only later on that I realized how hurtful it would have been if she had tried to support him in any way after all he had put me through.

The way he acted about your gifts? Just proves he's an *** and doesn't deserve anything. Why don't you take any money you were going to spend on him and donate it to a worthy charity instead. If he was to take out the lack of a gift on his kids, all the more reason he doesn't deserve anything. What a piece of work this guy is. If your sister goes back to him, you can deal with that when the time comes. It may never come to pass and you will have been supporting an asshole for no reason.

That sounds awesome, Artie!

And he’s still a grown man who can provide for himself.

What you’re saying is that he’s been abusive to you too, between that comment and your fear that if you don’t give him something he’ll take it out on his kids.

ETA: I also agree with NP about this possibly hurting your sister. I didn’t tell my mother or sister too much about 2ex’s abuse at first, so they were still interacting with him occasionally, and that did hurt. When I told them they both immediately cut him out and it felt really supportive.

You're going through an awful lot with your mother being ill and you haven't been in therapy either as K has been away. Can you contact your support group from church?

I think posting a card is enough if you're not even that close.

You don't have to be nice to anyone just because they're family.

Kit, I agree on a card, if anything, nothing more than that.

Is there a reason your sister hasn't filed for legal separation? I think laws are different in different states, so I don't know if it's a case where she'd have trouble doing that if her ex objected to it. But I think at least in my state you also have to be legally separated for a certain amount of time (a year?) before you can file for divorce. So it could take some time for her to get to the divorce part.

It does sound like you are trying to solve her problems for her. I understand because you care about and love her. But she's also an adult, and if she's willing to risk her job over this guy, then that's also her choice. I think it's particularly messy that the kids are involved in all this, particularly in keeping secrets. It puts the kids in an unfair position. But it's also not something you can solve. So I agree that it would be good to talk over with Dr. K.

It's coming up on the 4-year anniversary of the fire and it still hurts to think about it and all the other stuff he did to me over the years. I still wonder how he's doing and I'm still afraid I'm going to run into him somewhere and it's going to overwhelm me.

Oh good point @@ and NP if I missed it in your post. I didn't think about my giving BIL (ex BIL?) a card or gift might hurt my sister. I've tried to be really supportive of her, while expressing my fears and vulnerability and stuff here where it is safe-ish to do so. I haven't wanted to tell her anything negative. I mean I assume she knows she could lose her job over this relationship. I assume she knows that she is risking a lot by asking the kids to keep secrets for her. She's not stupid. So my job is to just support her while trying to manage my own feelings which are all mixed up and probably messed up from years of putting up with BIL.


Once before they were married, he was living with us, but in a separate room from my sister. And he came into my room and I was just a teenager and he was yelling at me at the top of his voice and blocking the exit. No one was home and I was very frightened. I got up on my bed (to make myself bigger) and yelled at him that he needed to leave my room and he needed to leave my room NOW. He did eventually but not right away. Note: my dad never even yelled at me or came into my room without my permission. I told my parents who were on mission and they told him he had to leave the house and put his stuff on the porch. My relationship with BIL has been rocky since that point. I never know what will set him off. I rarely say more than "hi" or "bye" to him and it has been that way for years.

Thanks, Lemoncake.
I can't really talk to my support group from church about this because the church takes a strong stance on some of the stuff my sister is doing and I don't want it to jeopardize my Dad's position in the Church. I really have no where to talk about it except on here and with Dr. K when I "see" (telehealth) him again on the 19th.

Hugs, NP...That all sounds really difficult and scary. Will you be seeing your T on the anniversary by any chance?

Hugs, if wanted. I'm so sorry you have to be afraid. I can see why though.

She hasn't filed for legal separation because it could jeopardize her job. She is trying to hang onto her job for one more year (the kids can go to religious school for free where she works and it is my oldest niece's senior year--having gone to that school her whole life. So my sister is trying to wait until that school year is up before jeopardizing her job. She is looking to move back closer to Mom and Dad after this.

Who is Hayman?

Divorce.

He's a brother-in-law. Card at the most. Money of any kind is completely unnecessary. Personally, I'd send nothing. I have no obligations to my ex-brother-in-law (and that sounds essentially what he is).

A lot of us seek empathy, understanding, support, validation, and even approval from our Ts.

Sending a card feels right to me. Where's the harm?

I'm flattered that you remember. But I don't think that is the Fundamental Theorem of Therapy.

Thanks for the comment, WFS. It helps to know you see my language and descriptions changing. I feel like my perspective on it is changing, too, but maybe it doesn't always come out on here the way it is in my head.


What's interesting in that when I told Dr. T about something today that had bothered me from session, he said he had noticed that lately I'd become more able to just sit with things that are bothering me until we can talk again, rather than sending him an email. Which he thought was a sign of progress. I said partly being able to sit with things, partly realizing that it's generally better to talk about in person rather than over email.

I didn't mention this today but had told him at another time how I've found there's often this urge right after a session or later that day to contact him about something, but that I can usually just let it pass. Like I've come to realize that's a pattern, so try to give myself a waiting period. And then it's usually OK, or at least a case where I can just wait until next session.

Oh, I see, that makes sense.

This sets my teeth on edge and shivers down my spine. I remember all sorts of horrific abuse stories that contain just this sentiment.

LT: If therapy has taught you that you have boundaries and there are behaviours you won't put up with, that is progress, right?

It's next week actually. It's on a day we don't normally meet, but at least he's in town this year. So far he's always on been vacation at that time.