End of an Era

I'm glad you reached out and found support! Compassionate responses go a long way. And not relying too much on therapy for support is also safer. And yeah, I think it's ok not to know. This must be hugely disorienting, both the pain itself and the disruption of what the two of you built, so it might not be easy to even figure out all of your (possibly conflicting?) needs.

I agree that you owe yourself(yourselves?) to fight for what you need, and from what I see you're doing an admirable job. But this is also still very fresh, so it's only natural that you're confused and your feelings and thoughts are all over the place. I really hope that what you need and what she can give becomes closer as you both do your own healing

Thanks Corbie. It is all still very very fresh, yes, sometimes I expect myself too be ok with things really quickly. Sometimes I forget that thoughts, feelings, emotions, ideas and paths all can take a while to.... Materialise? Not sure how to explain it.

I had an email back from T. Not sure how I feel about it straight away, but my immediate feelings are not absolutely awful, so maybe that is something.

She said,

Dear xx

I understand. I will take a proper break for now.

Thank you for understanding whilst at the same time using your voice for Teenage One, she deserves that, and I will leave the light on for her and continue to watch the moon.

Time for you and time for your book (I am writing a book about my therapy journey) sound good right now. I will get back to you in the coming months.

Take care,

T

So my search for a new T started today. It's hard!! Especially when all you want is your Old T to go back to being Old T again. Taking steps though, has to be a good thing even if it doesn't work out.

Wow, good on you for finding the strength and courage to look despite everything! It definitely sounds wise to seek out support even if it only turns out to be temporary. It won't be or feel the same but I hope it gives you something of what you need as you try to deal with what happened with your previous T. I'm glad she wrote back to you and didn't say a definite 'no' to contact at some stage in the future, but it's such an abrupt ending nonetheless and you're probably having so many different thoughts and feelings about her and what happened. I hope you find someone supportive and compassionate to process it all with, whether a therapist or someone else. Good luck.

Thank you so much LonelyInmyheart. Oh absolutely, so many different thoughts and feelings, they just keep swinging about, one minute I'm ok with it, can wait to see what she says about an ending, accept that I will need to find someone else to do the trauma work with me, feel positive and full of energy, the next minute I feel so low and lacking in motivation, all the Ts seem like complete nutters, I just want my T to finish this with me etc, the next minute I am angry with her for doing this. For not seeing how harmful this is. For not just being able to give me an hour of her time to help process this or help me to find a new T.

So yeah, I need to process it all somehow, and I think I could probably use some support with that. I've been opening up too my friends, which is amazing given that five years ago I didn't even have any friends to open up to, let alone feel able to do it, but there is only so much you can go on about a therapist to them, they care, I'm sure, but if it needs more than an occasional discussion it probably needs therapy...

If nothing else maybe this experience is still teaching me things!