Couch 230: Decent Communications

thanks LT. In the light of day, i'm sure she was neither surprised nor upset. she was just being honest and it's true I can 'hold it' myself now that I've figured out exactly what "it" is. I will have much to discuss next week. I'm glad she offered next week even though we'd been back to the every 2 weeks schedule. When she asked if I wanted to come next week I said "No, but yes." Ha.

Thanks CE.

I totally get that - have done the false narrative thing more times than I can count in the past. And that's why I was on here in the wee hours this morning talking about what I couldn't talk about with her.

I think for me, at this stage in my therapy anyway, the challenge or 'homework' if you want to call it that is for me to sit with the feelings without constructing the usual false narrative; also to hold my own 'stuff' instead of relying on her to do it (through sending an emotional email like I always used to do). I admit at 1 am my brain was certainly trying its hardest to go to constructing that narrative but I was able to stop it before I got carried away. Thankfully. I see this as growth, whether it is or not, and seeing it that way helps me feel better about all of it. She said something yesterday about how this work, this path, involves suffering that she also thinks it's worth it.

This remains to be seen.

Back from h's appt with the liver specialist. He has to have some more tests, a whole slew of bloodwork/labs and also something called an elastography to determine the severity of damage and then depending on the results the dr said they'd go from there in determining a treatment plan.

You only construct a "false narrative" if you wont think yourself clear. If you will keep brooding and blaming mummy oops i mean t. You have the chance to face yourself and grow right in that minute. Like me, thats why im so perfect!

The hardest part of this work. T can't grow for us, are you saying? But yes. That's what I stopped early-early this morning; the brooding and blaming her that had started. I stopped it, and started looking at what I was actually responding to instead of what she said, and that's when I figured out what I suddenly wanted to say at that doorknob moment yesterday. And then I was able to go back to sleep.

I'm going to go spend some time crocheting now. One of my friends in an online crochet group just posted a picture of an afghan she made in the bavarian stitch. it's just gorgeous and I want to try it again. I made a little afghan for the cats using that stitch awhile back; I recall it was an enjoyable stitch one of those that looks like it would be harder than it is. I'll post a pic once I get a few rows done.

I am still taken aback that Info came to session in a sports bra yesterday. And when I say sports bra I mean the bare midriff kind. No shirt or tank over it.

It doesn’t bother or upset me, I just feel somewhat nonplussed.

I guess I thought you could just see the sports bra, not that that's the only thing she was wearing up top. Doesn't really seem appropriate, even for Info.

NP, did you end up giving the gift to your T? How did he react?

Reminds me of when t would manspread with wear-holes in his jeans crotch. After he told me the answer to "boxers or briefs?" was commando. Good times!

Yes, I did. He said the wrapping was beautiful. We talked a bit before he opened it. He said it was meaningful, but I had told him I found it meaningful before that, so I hope he meant it and wasn't just mirroring me. I was having trouble reading him today I guess, which has left me feeling empty inside after giving it to him.

That's a pretty stitch. I haven't tried that one yet. Enjoy. I haven't crocheted since last fall. Once things settle in around here, I'll be ready to start up again.

Maybe I should be flattered that she feels comfortable exposing her 65-70-year-old abs to me? (They were in pretty good shape from what I could see.)

Or maybe you have competition for my hand now...turnabout is fair play!

You certainly have some unique experiences!

I'm sorry it left you feeling empty. I hope he genuinely meant it. Maybe he was touched and just wasn't sure what to say?

I got the new windows in my bedroom and with all the light i can now see how much mould is on my ceiling. I thought i had no mould i have quite a lot which might explain my sinsus issues over the last couple of months.

I think the second one said something about doorknob stuff one time - I told her the truth -if I said something as I was walking out, it was because I did not want to have her say anything - I just wanted to say it, not discuss it.

The first one told me about her computer having a virus that displayed porn "not even good porn" was her description. Her son is a gay porn videographer.

I found it really hard to feel anything in sessions. I felt somethings out of session but never in a session.

It is, and it's fun too, I think! I learned it fairly recently. It's pretty much a combination of treble crochets and back post treble crochet clusters. Here's what I have so far this afternoon:

this whole doorknob moment thing: I think sometimes they happen just because it has taken us the whole session to understand something, to realize the meaning and/or importance of what we've just been talking about. Or may just be a reaction to what we've been talking about, after it has slowly sunken in, or something. I don't really much care for this definition I just found online:


"By definition, the doorknob phenomenon or doorknob statement occurs when patients wait until the last moment in the clinical encounter—often while the physician is grasping the doorknob to exit the examination room—to utter something that, not uncommonly, provides crucial information."


This makes it sound like something nefarious the client is doing on purpose. So I suppose mine yesterday wasn't really a true doorknob moment, if this is the real clinical definition, since it was in response to something she had just said even though I knew it was 2pm because the clock stares at me.


Next week I will set an alarm on my phone for 1:50pm, and move the stupid clock so I can't see it.

Or, they could be blaming the client for the doorknob moment. SOP.

I didn’t think that Info could shock me sartorially anymore, but this is really quite something…

Egads. If L ever opened her door dressed like that I would tell her to go put some damn clothes on or I'm leaving. The shock would be huge, as she always dresses very conservatively including the times I've run into her out in public. I can't even imagine.


Then again, my sister always tells me I dress like a prude, so....

I wonder if I would have noticed if either of the ones I hired wore a sports bra.

***Trigger Warning for Child Endangerment

Happy birthday to me

Eta:

It's not fair that everyone depends on me and H for financial support. They don't realize how much we do help out: financially, physically, safety, support/emotionally, etc.

Reading your post helped jog my memory of my last session which was about a week ago.

One, I said something, no idea what tbh -- some feeling I was experiencing? -- as my memory sucks. T was like "and we spent the whole session on this, and you only tell me what you feel in the last 5 minutes of our session."

Well, I really struggle to identify my feelings so I got homework a couple of months ago and I'm really trying.

Second, I remembered where she puts the clock lol. It's on a side table next to the short part of the tissue box. She can read the clock as it faces her.

Third, I asked her to give me a 5 minute warning so I don't run over time while trying to ground myself. I don't understand why I dissociate like clockwork towards the end of session, and I honestly have made zero progress on NOT dissociating even with preemptive grounding. So I feel guilty and ashamed, hence I made that request, She did it twice, then stopped. While I appreciate extra time, I wanted the warning so I would run over time LESS.

So, yeah, I'll set a similar alarm lol.