Need some support after losing my therapist

Fair warning: This may or may not be an insanely long post.

My therapist who I've been seeing for the past 8 months (who was also an intern) just had her last session with me last week. I started seeing her in December of 2020 and she told me probably around March that she would be leaving after her internship was finished there. The location where I receive therapy just matches up clients to therapists so it's not like I could choose who I wanted. She had told me during the first session that she was the intern but at that point, I was so depressed, I didn't really care and wasn't thinking about the possibility of her leaving. I wasn't sure how long I would be in therapy either.

It wasn't until the week after she told me she'd be returning to where she was the year prior that we realized I have some pretty bad abandonment issues. This became the subject of many MANY sessions together. Even if I tried to evade the issue, it somehow snuck back into the conversation, and she knew I hated talking about it. We even referred to talking about it as beating a dead horse. My unhealthy coping skills were definitely coming up as a result of this throughout the months leading up to her departure and it's been a week since she left and they are now even worse. It also seems that my depressive symptoms have returned to what they felt like before I started therapy. I am really struggling with her leaving because there are so many things that I'm feeling--sadness, hopeless, abandoned, anger (which unfortunately could never come out while she was around), feelings ALL over the place. Of course I want to talk to her about all I've been going through, but that's not an option.

I've been crying pretty much every day and sometimes it's totally uncontrollable. I have a friend group that I've found in the last few months who have been a great support for me and my mental health but even hanging out with them this last week, I've felt so disconnected, which makes me go back to isolating, which leads me to the unhealthy coping skills. I've experienced a lot of death and loss in my life but this feels like the biggest loss I've ever experienced. I think I'm having some physical symptoms of grief because of it, like headaches and heaviness in my chest. It literally feels like she died and experiencing all the feelings I have about this situation is making it hard to feel like I'll be able to cope with it.

Therapy in the meantime is a little complicated (and could be a whole 'nother story in itself because there are too many details to mention in this post) but I'm currently seeing an interim therapist bi-weekly just to keep me going with some support until my planned long-term therapist has an opening, hopefully by October. I had my first session with the interim therapist today and I missed how it felt with my previous T, SOOOO much. Everything about it felt so wrong, only because it wasn't exactly the way I'm used to, so I even cried when I got to my car and on the way home.

I am slow to open up and I ended up sharing SO much with my first T, things I've never shared with anyone, so it's difficult to have no one to talk about them currently. I was also in the middle of some really intense transference with her--mainly maternal but also some erotic qualities. She understood me so well and knew so much about me and of course experienced so much with me in what I shared with her and it's extremely hard to accept that this is what it is. I'm posting here because I feel like no one from my family or friends will truly understand what I'm going through and feeling but maybe some people here will. I'm even having a difficult time accepting that this is such emotional agony for me. It doesn't feel like I should be slipping back into depression and suicidal ideation due to my therapist leaving, but I am feeling so desperate and hurt. Can anyone else relate or have some suggestions?

That sounds like a hard situation. I can totally understand how you're feeling, I too have very strong abandonment issues and would probably feel similar to the way you're doing right now in your situation. Remember that while your therapist didn't do anything wrong, you are still allowed to feel all the things you're feeling. She was an important person to you, and grief about the 'loss' is a very normal reaction. And since you're probably not yet at the point where your issues are resolved, your feelings might seem over the top to others or even yourself, but given your problems, it is normal to feel that way. I haven't personally gone through this with my therapist, but I have with other important people in my life, and my reaction was very similar. Lots of different strong emotions, feeling horrible, going back to bad coping skills... I've also read of many people on here who had similar experiences with therapists, I hope some of them will reply to you as well!

I think it's good you have someone to talk to, even if it's just a temporary therapist. If you feel up to hanging out with your new friend group, that sounds like a healthy coping skill as well. It's okay if you don't feel completely the same as usual, it happens to all of us sometimes and it's still nice to know people are around you that care. I've also heard of some people who had good experiences with setting away a specific time each week (for example if possible your old session time) and in that time allow yourself to mourn the loss, think of what you've experienced and so on. I'm also sure you're always allowed to post on this forum and talk to people on here if that helps you. For me personally, I'd probably find comfort in things that remind my of my T, but if that feels too painful, avoiding it for now is okay as well.

I know right now it sounds impossible, but given some time, the feelings will lose some of their strength and you'll hopefully also be able to remember the nice feelings and memories that you have of therapy with her, but also experience similar things with new people.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't offer much in the way of suggestions, but I totally get the feelings of grief, abandonment, anger, and unwillingness to accept that this is it. Two main things, I guess. First, if anyone tries to imply this should be something easy to get over, don't believe them, even if they're another therapist. One thing that helps for me is to have been able to thoroughly discuss xT with my new T, and knowing that I can still bring her up (after well over a year) if something is stirred up again. Second ... should have been first, actually, but it's difficult for me to do or talk about ... sometimes I can imagine that kid in the transference as someone I care about and want to look after/console, and try to look after myself the same way. I know this is hard to do when you're depressed, but even if you only manage small things pccasionally, I think it still helps.

I’m sure you have abandonment issues and that’s something to work on.... but framing it that way kind of makes it sound like you think a healthier person would be Just Fine. I don’t think that’s the case. Most people need to grieve the loss of a very important relationship (which this was, right?) and grieving is normal and healthy.

So maybe just give yourself space to feel that grief and give yourself the compassion that you’d give a friend who just experienced a romantic break-up, a death, or another major loss.

It takes time. Feeling as crappy as you do is not evidence of some pathology in you. It’s a good thing that you’re able to form attachments that are worth mourning when you lose them. Just take good care of yourself and be gentle with those feelings. The intensity of it lessens with time.

Also re: the suicidal ideation, often when I feel that way it’s because feelings are overwhelming and I can’t get any distance from them. But pain, as sucky as it is, is just pain. It comes and goes but it isn’t you.

I am sorry you 'lost' your Therapist. Your feelings do make sense as you no longer have that safe person in your life anymore.

As for suggestions, it will sound cliché but the only way out of the pain is to go through the pain. It's a process, it is not time-limited and it can be supported with people around you e.g. your interim therapist, your close friend group. I would not judge the feelings but feel them and let them be. Get as much support as you can.

When I lost my therapist I cried and cried and cried. It hurt like heck but it was the best thing for me to just cry it out. I cried off and on for about six months. I still miss her. It's like grieving a death. It comes up at unexpected times. Try to be kind to yourself.

I can totally relate. I am right there with you. It hurts. It hurts so much you just want them back and would do almost anything to make that happen.
I am so sorry that you are going through this, as others have said just try to be as kind to yourself as you are able in each moment. Sometimes that will be more than others.

My situation is a little different as I am still holding out the faintest hope that my T will change her mind and return to practice, but I am also aware that this is possibly the denial stage of the grieving process. I am glad that you are seeing an interim T.

The only thing that has made things a little easier for me is trying to make my T proud of me. I do believe that she wants the best for me, so I am trying to live up to that. I am trying to eat healthily, exercise, rest, enjoy life and am seeking another therapist. All the things I know she would want me to be doing. That is what is keeping me going right now.

Is there any way you could maybe write to your old T every few months maybe? To keep some form of contact?

When I left my first ever T, she left the door open. She said I could always reach out if I needed to. She couldn't do therapy with me, and she made no reference to what reaching out would look like, but that branch SERIOUSLY helped. I emailed her several times in the first couple of years, when things weren't going well with the new T, or when I needed a rational ear, but in the end it was me that decided not to see her again, and not to email again. I decided that it wouldn't be helpful any more. 5 years on when my other T just upped sticks and walked out I did contact her, and she was there for me. She is now helping me (apparently!!) to find a new therapist to work with.

When I emailed her initially to say that I didn't want to meet up, she said that she thought it wise, and that it was a decision that she had been hoping I would come to by myself.

I think that is a long way of saying that some people truly understand abandonment and the incredible harm that it can do. Some people don't seem to get it as much. When it is 'us' making the decision, it can be done in a healthy way. It gives us some control back, maybe. When that decision is made by someone else it just opens up all of those old wounds again.

I don't know if that is helpful or not!! I am truly sorry that you are going through this, and as you can see from all of these posts you aren't alone. Here you have a community of people who will understand far more than most of the other people in our lives. Take some comfort in that and hopefully you will find your way through it all. Hugs if you would like them.

Oh, EDIT, and journaling. Something I have never really done before but felt an overwhelming need to do. I got a notebook and I just wrote. Whatever was in my head. To her, about her, about anything and everything. I can't talk to her about these things any more but the notebook gives me a place to get some of these thoughts and feelings away from me a little.

Thanks for the insight, corbie. Honestly, no one has pressured me to get over this quicker than myself. My previous T never gave me an indication that she thought I was overreacting to this, unless of course I started to project my inner critic onto her which can be completely unforgiving.

I've heard about consoling your inner child before, but it isn't something I've been able to do yet. We did a lot of inner child work and wounded parts work together so I've definitely accepted that there is a child within me who has lots of hidden past wounds and unfulfilled desires . It has always been a struggle for me to comfort myself (I always fantasize about a rescuer) and you're right, depression makes that all the more difficult unfortunately, but I know it could be so healing if I could get there.

Thanks for the reply, Favorite Jeans.
Blaming myself for suffering so much is definitely coming from my very loud inner critic. That's always been a work in progress.

The biggest problem I have with all this though is feeling the pain, and feeling this type of pain over and over again. I want it to stop so badly. Yes, I know it'll (hopefully) end eventually but it seems that I'm just waiting for the next person I am so attached onto to leave or die and go through it all over again, as that has been the pattern in my life. I'm really hoping my long-term therapist will not be leaving in some shape or form, and this is a worry which I have expressed to my ex-T on many occasions.

I completely agree with your experience with suicidal ideation. The same happens for me when I feel completely hopeless and want to stop whatever is happening.

Thanks for the reply Slumber Kitty.
I will probably be in the same boat as you were. I have been crying a lot in the months leading up to her leaving, but unfortunately I never cried in front of her about it (I wanted her to see how much I was hurting from this). I don't think I've ever cried so much about anything before and I can see that it'll be lasting a long time. I'm relieved that I'm not the only one reacting this way though. It just gets exhausting trying to hide it from my roommate!

Wow, that is all so helpful, Waterbear! I'm sorry to hear you are going through the same kind of experience.

The keeping in contact topic was brought up before she left and I'm honestly a little bit conflicted on where I stand on that issue. I had told her that having no contact at all makes it feel all the more like she died because the relationship is completely cut off. The biggest issue is not being able to be physically present with her but even maintaining contact over emails or something would give me some little piece of her to hold onto so she isn't "completely" gone. She gave me permission to write her at her next address where she will be but did say I should ask whichever therapist I am seeing if that would be a good idea or not because it can be confusing for the client, so now I don't even know if I'd want to write or not. I did write her a very long thank you note on our last session together so I was able to get that kind of closure but now there are all these lingering feelings from her leaving that I think I would only want to share in the therapy room, not anywhere in an email or letter. In the future, maybe I will end up writing her, as my long-term T I plan on going to was her supervisor.

Journaling! Yes, I journal quite a lot and have been writing her even before she left about things that I still couldn't bring up to her in therapy. I have been writing to her in my journal after she left too pretty much every day, like yesterday I wrote to her how much I hated the therapy session with this new T. I've also used art at a couple of points as well. Overall, the whole contact issue is just complicated. I'm sure it'll take some time for me to figure out but I will definitely keep her in my journal in the meantime.

When I lost my first therapist that I had for 7 years she terminated me after I ran away from a group home that was abusive. I cried and I still miss her still after 11.5yr's. I am now with a therapist that is helping me work through the abandonment I think losing therapist can be devasting and a grieving process.

My therapist that I have now is back from sick leave. She was on sick leave for 3 months it was very hard for me and all the abandonment feelings came back. This is something im working on currently with my therapist. The feelings hurt so much and are very intense.

I hope you find another therapist that can understand and support you. Your feelings are very valid. I know for me people in my life just have a hard time understanding. You are not alone here. Hugs

Slightly off topic, and please forgive me if this is unwelcome, but I am a HUGE advocate for this type of work. I would possibly go so far as to say I hated my 'Little One' before I started therapy. With my T we made huge inroads into this and I am now able to see that small child. Feel for that small child. Care for that small child and love that small child even.

I wholeheartedly believe that through good therapy with the right person you can heal from those past wounds and you can come to a place of acceptance of those parts.

(My Teenage One on the other hand is a different story. Sadly we didn't get there with 'her')

I sincerely hope that you can find someone to continue this journey with.

Ah, the inner critic. Don't believe that one either! I'd say tell her to shut up, but maybe better to ask where she's getting these ideas from...

I'm not that comfortable with the inner child stuff either, I tend to have to imagine it as an outside child and then apply that to myself. Thinking of it as part of me tends to make me want to strangle it more than anything. Also, for a long time I used to think of it (the very youg part, anyway) as my "inner dog" - that made it more palatable somehow.

Yeah, my life would be a lot easier if I didn't have that inner critic running the show in my head! I have tried this method of "shutting her up" before and it actually made those thoughts worse to my surprise. I'm not sure if the inner critic is something you deal with as well and/or if shutting it up works for you (sounds like it does) but my t and I came up with an alternative method which works better for me, and maybe for someone else reading this:

The inner child and inner critic are both having something to say about the situation. First, listen to the critic. Validate her and listen to what she has to say about the situation, then explain to her the facts and why it would be better/healthier to think "X" thoughts. Then when the critic is listened to, go over and soothe the inner child. This has been the only method that has worked for me but breaking the habit of internalizing those inner critic thoughts is a really tough thing to do, and something I'm prepared to work on for a very long time.

Nope, I can confirm that, shutting anything up does not work for me either, it's just my first instinct with annoying stuff like the inner critic (or the inner child). That's why I said ask where it gets the idea from ... for me the answer is - all unreliable sources (I think I basically internalised every bit of criticism I ever got, and I ended up with a lot of often contradictory 'principles' that way). This makes it easier to put a huge ? to all that and try to figure out what might actually work for me.