Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Can I just explain to you what happened yesterday? I was restricting food for several days. The stuff I was eating had no nutritional value. It was badly impacting my moods and anxiety. When I got the call about the interview I just lost it and I had a meltdown and then I sent you 3 crisis emails. Then you called my mom. Then you emailed me and said crisis emails are not an appropriate way to handle things. But once I ate a legit dinner I felt a lot better. Then this afternoon I felt bad until I ate something with protein in it that I am seriously lacking in my diet. I actually forgot about the interview. I’m not sure if I’m pushing it out of my mind or if I’ve just made peace with it and accepted it.

I just want to tell you why it happened. Maybe I’ll email you the day of our next session so we can discuss it in the session.

Hey E--I am glad that so far, I still will see you in person next week for our first session. I think art therapy would be very difficult over the computer.

I feel like the only relationship I can make work is with animals. So it sucks they can get along without me.

Six more sleeps, I think.
I'm looking forward to next session, but not looking forward to the conversation we will have to have under less than ideal circumstances.

Another one bites the dust? Really not sure she is right for me, bless her, she clearly was trying...
We have another session next week, but I'm not feeling it. Strange, given that before the session I was quite keen, but I think it was the nail polish, the scraggly hair, the sparkling water and the cleavage that were the 'no-nos' for me. Am I too fussy? Am I?

I miss you. I am glad we had the extra session yesterday.

Thanks for today, L. You are absolutely right by the way, the block is gone. And I hope it never comes back. I didn't even know that's what it was - but that makes so much sense. I can physically feel that it's gone. I appreciate you and your role in my life more than I know how to express.

p.s. I will hold you to that, what you said as I was about to get in my car.

p.p.s. see you in 2 weeks.

Aww T, I hope you feel better and hope you don't have the rona.

This week has been pure garbage, L. I totally respect why you said what you said, but I just feel like the world is now falling apart piece by piece. I just can’t stop crying. I appreciate you calling me while you were (I assume) driving to your vacation home. The universe knows how much I hate out of session contact. The fact that you gave me a good little pep talk and assured me I could reach out again if things changed was just what I needed tonight.

After we got off the phone, I was standing on our balcony and watched as the wind whipped the trees around. It was beginning to storm. Like things are storming now.

The worst part about this is I have to go this mostly alone. I don’t want to talk to anyone about what’s going on, which is something I’m going to do some reflective writing on. And the one person who intimately knows what’s going on is engaging in the unhealthy dynamic with me. I don’t know that I’m strong enough to weather this storm, L. I’m trying though.

Hey one other thing about today... in the past I would have felt hurt and gotten angry at you when you said that stuff when we were talking about h's health. Thank you for trusting me to be able to handle the stuff you said. And you were right too btw. I talked with h and told him in pretty much the same words you suggested. And he said that's a far cry from his attitude a couple of weeks ago where he was still saying I reassured him again that we're in this together and I'll find recipes that he will still enjoy regardless of how limited his food choices might become.

Who the hell am I holding it together for?

I'm listening to 'Boulder to Birmingham' by Emmylou Harris. Steve being an Alabama native - it hits differently now.

Boulder to Birmingham

Five more sleeps.

Dear T,
Your comment about Fish really touched me when I was leaving. And also your sad-toned apology when I said I just wanted to glance around the office, as it would be our last in-person for a while. Of course I wish you'd said a "take care," but the Fish reference was more meaningful, as it was something specific to our relationship. And I guess it (and the session as a whole) also made me feel you were genuinely OK with what I shared Wednesday.

I hope this virtual phase of meeting won't have to last too long. It was nice being in the office for a bit. At least you're willing to do occasional outdoor sessions, too.
Love,
LT

Miss you

How do I know you exist when you don't tell me every day?

I’m not really sure how to explain to you that after my freak out on Wednesday I got another chance for the interview and I took it this time and am most likely getting the job. So it’s a complete 180 from how I felt on Wednesday and from all the crisis emails I sent you. I think you’ll just be super confused? I know I am super confused. But as I said my food restriction was really bad for a couple days the day I got the first call about the interview. I think my lack in protein and other nutrients were affecting my moods and anxiety. Friday when I got the second chance after the first interview, I felt better because I had eaten well both Wednesday night and Thursday night.

Dear T,

I think I need to put things away for a little while. I am feeling like I can't deal with all of this. All of the unknown. Waiting for old T to get in touch about someone to work with; waiting for you to let me know how I can get my things back; waiting to see what the future holds for us; trying to find someone else to continue the trauma work with.

It's all too much for me and I am wasting my life while I wait. I wonder if I can just try to put it all to one side for now, and then just deal with things as they come up. I'm really not feeling it with this one lady, so I'll go next week and then say I've just decided to have a break from it all I think, though I am seeing another new person next week too, and I will stick with that as she seems very very different to most of the people that I have encountered. I'm intrigued more than anything, and it is free, too.

I've got a few sessions lined up in September too, with the first lady I saw, but then if that doesn't feel right either I am calling it a day.

I can't go through all of this again. I can't keep waiting for something that might never happen.

I just feel done tonight. I hope you are well and managing ok. Love you.

Oh T. I'm feeling so unwell today and I miss you so badly.

Looking forward to speaking in a few days, although I don't know how I will find the words. I trust you will be able to help.

Erm... please open WhatsApp so I know you are still alive.

Hope you are feeling better. I think you got your covid results back today? I hope its negative. <3

I made it through another weekend without emailing you. We do need to talk about the emailing. I just don't want to take your replies in ways that leave me mad at you more and I'm not sure I can do that.

How many therapists would accept from a patient without challenging it?


You made a choice, T. You always have a choice.

Yes, it is.

I appreciated your email today. Three more sleeps until we can discuss it.
I can't say I'm looking forward to that necessarily, but it helps a little to think of it as the beginning of a conversation that we will hopefully continue in the same room before too long.

I was in almost agony last night over missing my transference T. In a week it will be 6 months since I last saw her. I’ve had 16 therapy sessions with 2 different therapists. 12 with unprofessional one and 4 with my current one. I could have been having a fever dream last night since I took some extra meds last night. But it seemed like a legit feeling. I see my Pdoc at 3:30 so I’m going to talk to him about my feelings about her and how tough it still is. Maybe he’ll let me write a letter or send an email to her.