Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

It means so much that you held me when I was that upset.

I’m really hoping you could make a 12.00pm appointment at the end of the month with D. I’m willing to do it alone, but it would be better if you could join us.

I wonder if you just ghosted me. You haven’t replied to my email replying to the one you sent me this morning about having to reschedule my appointments. You gave a really confusing answer about why we needed to reschedule but I responded to you and that was hours ago and I haven’t heard back from you. I did notice though that all our appointments we had set up through the end of October have all been cancelled.

Honestly I just don’t understand humanity anymore.

Well you emailed me back with a bunch of ******** time slots. I can’t see you for the next 3 weeks. I was looking forward to our appointment on the 27th. The first appointment you gave me is on the 6th of October. Do you really think I’m gonna be wanting to do a session 6 days after major surgery? I probably won’t even be able to walk around much by then. I can’t believe how much therapy has been screwing me over. Your office has a supposed great reputation but I’m not seeing it.

And I do not regret sending you a pissed off response. You should know that the 6th is not the right time to schedule an appointment. You should know these things already because we have been discussing them in every session.

I use a cheap postal scale to weigh my cats. I put them in the carrier and weigh the whole thing then subtract.

Dear IOP Pdoc that I will meet today. Please be on time and please be gentle. Thanks. Kit

I'm trying to take one day at a time, but it is very challenging.

Why don't you ever bake me homemade apple crumble?

Thanks to the email chain today that you started I did pretty much nothing but refresh my email every 20 minutes. Maybe we just shouldn’t email each other in general. I’ve had issues with emails before. They aren’t helpful. You never responded to my last one so I feel like I just wasted my day thinking you’d respond.

Your comment about my low vitamin D and me not taking it and the symptoms I have had does have me thinking though. But you are still kinda a shady ***** in my opinion.

You mean you can't just plop your cats on the scale and weigh them that way? (lol)

Hey E. I missed seeing you last week (though my bank acct much appreciates it), but boy do I have a lot of art to show you. Hopefully we can get through it all.

Hi T. I think for the first time ever, I wrote down some subjects to talk about tomorrow. Weird. If you cancel, it would be my luck wouldn't it?

I’m not sure how I feel about you calling me basic. Target is a great store! At least I don’t drink PSLs?

Even though you’ve been throwing some serious shade lately, and I don’t agree with it all, I appreciate how supportive you’ve been through all of this. Life has a funny way of throwing us the curveballs just when we think that things are all figured out. Now to go finish this biopsychosocial so that I don’t get scolded again 😂

Thanks for finally getting back to me. I hope that when I said I was "doing better' you don't think I meant I'm 100% and therefore don't need to really get into anything. Please remember the email Pat sent you about my weight dropping, although I know that was like three weeks ago and we weren't able to touch on that the last session. I may not be actively psychotic/manic anymore, but I still feel damaged and unlovable and all these things.

At least you actually responded to my email and said I’m a priority for a cancellation. I’m still pissed at you though. I really needed that appointment on the 27th. Now I’m on my own for my surgery. Thanks. You didn’t even say good luck or that you hope it goes well or anything in your email. You are a piece of ****. You could at least pretend to care and understand.

Dear T,
I suppose I should give some credit to my phone's autocorrect, but I really needed that laugh today. So thanks. It felt cleansing in some way. I think laughing with you is part of what helped (as opposed to just sitting here alone laughing at The Onion or something). Laughter releases emotion just like crying, right?

Speaking of, it seemed you wiped a tear, or were at least affected when I said the thing about how the relationship has felt healing and rather corrective since the pandemic. And I'm glad you said that thing about sessions being a form of needed human connection for me during Covid. When my ability to get that sort of connection elsewhere is more limited. Because I've thought that before, too. I imagine that I (and other clients) have provided that for you in some way as well.

Love,
LT

"Talk about how fast we grew
And all the big dreams that we won't pursue
Then get in your car and laugh 'til we both turn blue '
Cause we are the helpless, selfish, one of a kind Millennium kids, that all wanna die
Walking in the street with no light inside our eyes
We are the worthless, cursed with too much time
We get into trouble and lose our minds "

Coward .

Dear IOP T...J, Thanks for your kind response to my email. I didn't know your policy on out of session contact so I took a chance. Thanks for responding with care and compassion. Look forward to Zooming with you Friday. Kit

I’m so fed up with therapy in general I haven’t thought about my transference T since I went on vacation last week to my home state. But I think going helped a lot to get over these feelings. I haven’t been drinking the blue fruit tea for awhile. I’ve just been so focused on my current T lately I haven’t had the energy to give my transference T much of a thought. I hope this is finally the end of her. I hope my current T isn’t much of an issue in my mind when I leave. The bad/weird ones tend to stick in my mind unlike the good ones who I can leave with no issue.

I hope a 12 person waiting list for my next therapist means she’s pretty good. Watch out if they don’t have a waiting list and you can get in right away.

Do you know this song? If not I should play it for you.


"My spirit will never be broken or caught
For the soul is a free flying thing
Like an eagle that needs neither comfort nor thought
To rise up on glorious wings"

This reminds me of you.

I found your Facebook account. And yeah I do not agree with what you believe in. Also your husbands Facebook account of him shooting large guns along with your young son shooting a large gun makes me slightly uneasy about my own safety. Although I’m sure I’m just being paranoid.

Also why did transference Ts husband now block me on Facebook? I must have really drove her up the wall if she’s that paranoid.

I don't know how I'm going to be tomorrow. I'm already up two hours past when I normally go to sleep. Had caffeine too late in the day. I'll take a thorazine before so maybe I won't be so distracted by my own thoughts that aren't going to be productive to the session. If I can't focus, can you at least try to keep me on topic?

Thinking of you as always, but yesterday and today imagining you working in the school that you work in. In one way happy that those children have access to you but in another way sad that I can no longer see you and in another way bitter that you still haven't found a way to return my belongings to me. I'm just a job on your to do list. Pretty low down on your to do list it seems

I have no idea why your suspicion about my mum yesterday hadn’t crossed my mind before, but if it turned out to be the case, it would be yet another thing to add to my List of Ironies. She will never get tested, though, because within our family dynamics her behaviours truly flew under the radar. Majority of focus was on dad’s behaviour, after all.

Wow, I know you didn't promise me you would be able to respond, I just thought you'd manage at least this week. And I know it is early but I suspect that you have already started what will be your busy or whatever unconnected day.

not a good thing.