Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

I just don't understand how I am supposed to be ok with all of this. It's four weeks tomorrow since you decided to just up and walk out on this. I've been patient. I've been understanding. But you have my things and I want them back. I've asked for them back and yet all you say is it is on your to do list.

Well get it done then. Four weeks is a long time.

I am not enjoying being in limbo, not at all. To be fair, I know I probably brought some of this on myself for asking you to consider just taking a break and then seeing where we are at, but I don't like it. I can't deal with it. I can't move on like this.

If it's over, just tell me it's over, give me my things back and let's have a proper goodbye. If not, tell me that it's not and I wont go through this torture of trying to find a new T.

How long is this supposed to go on for!? It's ridiculous.

And Old T, I'm giving up on you. Yes. That's right. I'm giving up on you. Again, it's been 4 weeks. The only thing I can see is that you haven't found someone. Either that or you haven't even bothered looking. I'm not sure which is worse. I'm not surprised you haven't found anyone. I told you and I told T, there are hardly any people out there who are a) suitably qualified and experienced b) will work in a way which is compatible to the weirdo that I am c) a relatively normal human being.

How can neither of you see that this is destroying me and destroying all of the work that we did, slowly but surely eating it away like a parasite.

Three more sleeps. Can't come soon enough.

Dear T,
I think I'd have done better at the start of today's session if you'd been working from home instead of your office. Because I was just there Friday and can't be there now...so it made me sad. I appreciate your apology, even though I understand. It's funny though, after a few weeks in person at 6 feet apart, you felt almost *too* close, zoomed in on the screen.

And it looked like you were crying at one point, when I was talking about the fears of D going back to school. I imagine that even though your son is vaccinated, maybe you have some of those fears, too? Felt like empathy.

Also, thanks for being flexible about my schedule for next week and asking the client to switch so I could get the time that worked better for me. I know you understand how stressful the beach trip is...
Love,
LT

How long is it until September 3rd? Too long! Hopefully the agency lady will let me reverse my decision. I’m not sure how these things work, but I’m sure it isn’t set in stone.
I’m also hoping that book will come in the post before I see you on Wednesday, I’m sure you’ll find it just as hilarious as I did when I still had my copy years ago.

I sent transference T an email and I haven’t heard back from her. I also haven’t heard back from my current T and I sent an email to her this morning. Am I that big of a liability? Also current T I’m not sure I’ll get the job. I wonder if they could tell I was under the influence of something. It was just Valium but I wonder if they could tell that I was on something.

Actually come to think about it my current T said she wasn’t going to be in the office. At least until Friday from what she told me last Monday. Which is why she hasn’t replied. She probably won’t until later in the week.

T, Logically I know that there are a million reasons why you haven't replied to my text from this morning. But, I am not in logical mind right now. You found out your results and you have COVID and are in the hospital. Or worse.

When I am sure it is probably you had a busy day, or maybe you are still feeling unwell and not around your phone....all make sense. Too bad I don't actually believe it will be this way.

Whew. Thanks for responding, and that you are ok! See you tomorrow 😊

Two more sleeps. I have no idea what the session will end up being like, but I am grateful that I will have the opportunity to process soon.

I’m angry at my transference T for not responding to my email. Maybe she’s just been out of the office but I think that is just very unhealthy wishful thinking. I wanted the email from her more then I wanted the $500 tax refund and my job combined that I both got today.

Current T you are probably going to think I’m insane for going from being in a complete crisis from a call about a job interview to ending up accepting the job. Please don’t think badly of me.

I'm not handling this stuff with h too well today, L. Going in with him today for the 2nd liver scan really brought my anxiety out. Mainly because he's been feeling really tired today, having little twinges in his liver area, and he keeps yelling at me for stupid reasons today. I know he's anxious about all of this too. And I'm trying to be understanding. I really am. But it's hard when he keeps yelling at me and keeps on eating **** he isn't supposed to be eating, and he refuses to check his blood sugar, I mean what the hell? I don't understand this and I don't know what to do. He's acting like a 5 year old again. I am almost starting to wish I had left him when I had that one golden ****ing opportunity to do so. I wish I could talk to you right now.

But, I will see you tomorrow unless something interferes and i will actually be able to SEE you!!

I was listening to this song last night that reminded me of my transference T. Especially the part that went “he pleads and he try’s but he’s always denied.” I mean is it normal for her to completely ignore me like this even after my Pdoc said I could email her? I mean like what is she thinking and feeling regarding me?

I eat mint Aero candy bars because they remind me of her. But I’m running out of them. Kind of like how I’m running out of energy to continue to stress about this when she wants nothing to do with me.

Those candy bars are hard to find since they are European. Maybe I should just stop eating them and drinking the blue fruit tea that also reminds me of her.

Really looking forward to seeing you. Only 1.5 hours to go. I feel much better than I did at the weekend, but it will still be nice to talk about it.

Dear T,

I liked this one today. I really liked this one. BUT.... there's a couple of big buts here.... Sessions are 50 minutes for £50. 90 minutes £90. That's double what I was paying you and I just don't know if I can afford that. She also won't reply to any emails I send, though she did say she would read them, which surely would take longer?

I don't know. She has given me a few options to think about, and talking it through with R I do think that maybe this is the right one, if we can find some form of a compromise. I'm going to end up paying for it, but like R said, if she is worth it, then it is worth it and it could end up cheaper in the long run.

He said that this is the first one I have come home from and seemed in any way enthusiastic about. It's the little things. Like how I was really struggling at the beginning, she was asking me how the space felt, but I couldn't see it, because I couldn't look anywhere except behind me. She was sat over the other side of the room and I just couldn't look over there. After a few minutes though out of the corner of my eye I noticed that she had turned her chair around so that she wasn't looking at me. She hadn't turned all the way around, but just so that she was side on to me. Little things like that make it easier, and make me see that she might be willing to try things, methods, techniques etc. I felt like I could breathe when I saw that, and it really helped me to feel a little more comfortable.

She seemed competent and she seemed normal. And she seemed nice, I think, though I only caught a glimpse of that towards the end.

So now we just need to figure out a way of working that suits both of us I guess. So that she feels like she is being fairly financially compensated for her time and effort and I feel like I am not paying well above what I can realistically afford. I'm not sure how much she will compromise, my gut says not at all, but maybe we just wait and see, maybe that's ok.

I guess I should have been more patient with h yesterday, L. This morning he ate fruit for breakfast (strawberries) and a yogurt, and walked a mile on the treadmill. He seems back to normal spirits today. I guess I better buckle up for a roller coaster ride. I'll talk to you on the 27th.

Dear T,
This is such a silly little thing, because, I mean, it's a major newspaper. But it felt sort of nice when I mentioned something and you said, "We must have been reading the same article," and I mentioned that it was from one of two newspapers (forgot which), and you said that we were.

And for some reason, the thing that's most making me think from session is your saying that maybe I'm not so much the introvert that I think I am. Because I think you're right--that I'm actually more in the middle. And that could help explain one aspect of why I've struggled with Covid precautions so much--because human interaction, even just seemingly random stuff like with a waiter at a restaurant, is actually pretty important to me and to my well-being. And maybe it really is more social anxiety than introversion.

Funny how a session that can seem disjointed/scattered from my perspective can potentially lead to an important insight...

Also, I wonder what you are--I'd peg you as more of an introvert, the more I've gotten to know you. Or somewhere in the middle? I thought more extrovert at first, but I think perhaps I was just stereotyping you as an athlete...

Love,
LT

I have a starting date now too. Ugh I’m sorry about those 3 crisis emails in a row. I can’t tell what’s making me more nervous right now. Anticipating the other emails from work coming in or the one from you. But I logged out of all my email accounts for tonight.

Transference T. I guess we’re done for sure. There’s still a small part thinking you’ll email me back. I always thought this was the week you went on vacation. But then why didn’t I get an out of office email. I just have to give up and I’m hoping if I throw myself into my job and get back into the routine I was in from November 2017- March 2020 I won’t focus on you anymore.

But I didn’t eat any mint aero bars or drink the tea today.

Thanks for trying your best, T. It’s times like these that I wonder if I am really hopeless.

ok that was totally weird L, I was driving home from the gym a little bit ago and clear as day I heard you say my name in my head. Weird.

Oh, T. today is a bad day.

E-I hope you can help tomorrow.

I fear my email to you today really means it’s probably not a good idea to go through with what we discussed last night. How can my feelings change like someone flipping a switch, though? I mean… I’m scrambling for an answer to that. My mind is going in mad little circles today. I’m sure we’ve even touched on the possible cause, too. I’m just too unfocused to try and remember what you said. My mind holds onto the things I need most like a sieve holds golden syrup!

I’m slowly starting to accept the fact that my transference T isn’t going to respond to my email. I’ve had to check my email all day because of other very important emails I’m supposed to be getting. I’m like 99% sure though my current T will email me tomorrow since I have a session Monday morning and she likes to know what’s been going on so we can discuss it in sessions. I honestly just don’t feel a connection with her. She’s nice and I look forward to our sessions. But she’s nothing special. I don’t care if she likes me or not. I think she doesn’t really understand me. But she’s professional about it at least and doesn’t show it.

Perhaps "nothing special" is a good thing in a T? The relationship will be more flexible if T doesn't press any particular buttons.

Trusting you through this is hard.

Are you in or are you out?!