Couch 233: Nothing’s Ghana Stop Us Now

Its more because a) its the only thing in a clean garbage can and now the homeowners garage will smell of dog poop and they dont even have a dog b) why cant you put your poop in your own garbage can? Mine is not a public garbage can.

So, I got to see L today. We had a peaceful, relaxing, and good session, more discussion around our ending. I did a sand tray, which I think really portrayed my positive feelings about said ending.

(eh i shouldn't have talked about the her taking vacation thing yet so i deleted that part of the post. not til i know how i really feel about it anyway.)

HUGS Artie

Julieanne had originally said she was taking the month of December off. But she scheduled me for the 6th. And I was like, don't feel like you *have* to fit me in just because. You wanted your time. She was like, okay but don't be afraid to reach out and tell me if you are having a rough time. I just feel kind of bad taking up her time when she said she wanted this month off and I am not currently in any sort of crisis. I know that could change like in a minute. But I feel pretty stable since I was sent to the hospital. Actually I felt stable before then. I just felt unstable when I was kicked out of IOP for those 21 hours or whatever it was after the IOP T sent me to the hospital.

You are worthy of support, Kit. J would not have scheduled you if she didn't want to.

I love the hat Artie

Today it was too much effort to pour a bowl of cereal so i had an english breakfast muffin with honey instead which takes quite a few more steps than cereal. I wanted cereal but maybe i wanted a muffin more but didnt really know it. Reaching up to shelf to get the cereal was the worst part i just didnt seem to be able to do it.

Hugs, Kit. I agree with Lost. You're so worthy of support, and she's a grown woman, she wouldn't have scheduled you if she didn't want to.

My D and her bf decorated the Christmas tree and it was so cute listening to her explain the cat rules for tree decorating, he like...what?

Artie, have you ever heard of planned color pooling? I knit rather than crochet, but that technique is one of several that makes me want to learn to crochet too.

Thanks Artie and Lost.

I've heard of it but never tried it... it looks totally cool after it's done, but from what I've read it sounds a bit less than relaxing to actually do. It's one of the things that I've put off trying until I have the house to myself for a couple days! I think crochet is probably easier to learn after learning how to knit. Once you get used to crochet and having that hook to hold the yarn, trying to learn to knit is hard! I tried learning from you tube videos and started making a scarf but I dropped stitches all over the darn place because of not having a hook on the end of the needles haha

This was made for me! I cant keep regular tension to save my life!

So beautiful! Thanks EM!

H just helped me pull down a few branches in our tree out front so I could hang some outdoor Christmas ornaments. It was fun doing that together! I also crocheted a loooong chain that I wrapped around the tree trunk and hung ornaments from that too since most of the branches are higher than we can reach, even with the tree branch lopper thing h was using to reach up and pull them down. I also decorated the little bush on the other side of the driveway and stuck the a broken ornament on top. Getting festive as my neighbors really go all out with christmas decorations - it's so beautiful at night. I'll have to go outside after dark one evening and get a picture. I have lights too for one of the smaller trees in my yard, but haven't put those up yet. Maybe tomorrow after work.

This may ramble a bit but I want to try to share it anyway. So I am a person who as a matter of course does not like and resists change. L pointed this out yesterday, as if I didn't already know it haha. But I find myself in an emotional place I'm not sure I've ever been before, when thinking/writing/feeling today about our upcoming ending. I find myself feeling more excited (at least right now) than sad about this particular change, about stepping into this new phase of my psychological growth without her. At least for right now, I'm not even sad that she decided to take the last 2 weeks of the month off and cancelled what we had scheduled; I want her to have a break for the holidays. Which is weird to say because I did feel sad when she cancelled last week and took away 1 of the remaining sessions! I could have even let yesterday be the last, she asked if I wanted to, but I wasn't feeling that, because as I told her I want to make sure I have the closure I need this time, so I don't end up wanting to call her again in 3 weeks. There's more questions I want to ask her, and I want to share with her overall how being in therapy with her was, and I want to talk some about how I can expect to feel in the days/weeks after we say goodbye, stuff like that, that there wasn't time for yesterday, before we say goodbye. I don't know what my point is with posting this, I guess I just want it out there as a reminder to myself later, how I am feeling right now. In case I need it.

Is it actually possible to end a long-term therapy relationship without a lot of sadness, if one is truly ready to do so? I wonder.

I don't know if this will be helpful Artie, but maybe think of things that you might want to have from her to remember the relationship by. Maybe a recording? A transitional object? A picture? One thing L and I have been doing is making a scrapbook of things I've learned, things about our relationship, etc. Maybe you can make one? Or maybe working on one after the relationship might help bring you more closure? Just suggestions.

Thank you, Scarlet, those are all good ideas! I am going to ask her to write me a letter, I think. It doesn't have to be long or involved, just a little something tangible that I can have to read when I might need to. She has given me two little stone owls and a shell over the years, so I have those. I'd really like it if she'd let me take a picture of her sitting across from me. But I don't think she'd go for that.

I really like the scrapbook idea as well, something I can do after - I have all of my many therapy/dream notebooks stored in a huge storage tub in my closet, so I may sit down with those and organize them into years or something and at the same time pull out stuff to use for the scrapbook.

I've really been enjoying making hats this past week. Here's the one I just finished, a bright and cheerful one that matches my current mood.

...and here is last night's:

Artie, you've talked before about wanting to do a sand tray with your T. Is that something you still feel you'd want? (I don't think you've done it yet, right?) As that seems like it could be a good activity for one of the last sessions, and then maybe you could take a picture of that? And you mentioned wanting a pic of her but not knowing if she'd go for it. I think it would be worth an ask, maybe not in the very last session, but next week? I like Scarlet's letter idea, too.

I found my clicker! My tv remote! It was under my chair. Its been missing for a while. Like months.

Another thing I just thought of Artie: do you want to cut off all contact with L? Maybe you can setup updates every so often. Not actual sessions or long conversations, but just saying hi and updating her with your progress. I was thinking of that because I've done that with a few people in my life. With one of my ex-T's, I updated her once a year for 10 years until I was finally ready to let her go. I update my ex-Pdoc once a year. I'm still not ready to let her go. And T, I update monthly. She writes me back just a little snippet encouraging me and letting me know she's still there.

Thanks, LT. No, we haven't actually. I hadn't even thought about that. But I like the idea, and taking a pic of it. I may still ask for a picture of her, too, I guess it wouldn't hurt to ask when I ask her to write me a letter.

That's something we would have to negotiate I think, definitely something to talk about. I like the idea of setting up scheduled brief update phone calls - like after a month, then at 3 months, or something like that. For me I think something like that would definitely need to be scheduled. I like that idea a lot, actually. Thank you so much.

UGH. Called in sick for tomorrow (after leaving early today) due to this unrelenting fatigue I'm experiencing. I took at at-home COVID test which was negative. No idea why I'm so darn tired.

Hugs, polibeth. I think the EXTREME day shortening is part of it. Geez i barely got out of bed and it was night already!