Couch 233: Nothing’s Ghana Stop Us Now

Artie, did you apologise because you thought you had behaved in a regrettable or unfair manner? Or did you apologise to try and smooth away the discomfort of the interaction? I ask because it seems that when you read that *she* thought you had been rude you were prompted to offer your apology.

Did you do something which warranted an apology? It sounds to me like it was a standard, albeit relatively unfriendly, work interaction. She can call your behaviour rude, but that is her experience and not one that you need to pacify.

I was brought up to be sorry about everything, including my very existence (as I am sure many of us here were). I work hard now at sifting through what requires an apology and what is the other person's stuff. One of the many problems with apologising for something which doesn't require your regret is that you risk getting an unsatisfactory response, thus deepening your sense of failure.

Call the Midwife?!!!

Congratulations, EM! (Thanks for the new word - haven't come across that one before.)

Guess I'm not back to 100% yet from the booster... oh well

These always amuse me.

30 Toxic Things Therapists Said

I really want to meet my T in person, but it's just too risky for me. I'm high-risk, so I really play it safe by doing mostly telehealth and video. I haven't seen my T in person since March 2020.


That said, I am hoping that the booster works, however, because I need my periodontal disease looked at come January. That will be the riskiest appointment ever because it requires me to unmask indoors. And I don't want to catch something and give anything to my T, who is in her 60s. I want to be safe.


I do miss going outside. But I'm Asian, so I worry about being a victim of a hate crime, on top of the novel coronavirus and any other pathogen I'm not fully protected from. So, I have to wait until I make more safe friends to meet outside only. And I will still wear a mask outside and inside, because I live in a busy area and am a blue dot in a red state. When I do walk to and from my appointments (which are only about 1 mile away), I have to be extra careful when I'm alone. This wasn't the case before the pandemic, so I have an added stress level on top of this.


I didn't really believe in reincarnation before, but the pains of today make me wish in reincarnation today. I used to be spiritual and religious, but now I'm more spiritual and less religious. I've been harmed by religion so many times that I've had to receive trauma treatments for racial traumas, ritual abuse, and spiritual abuse throughout my lifespan. I've tried to upwardly mobilize, but the model minority myth has judged me harshly for my mental disorders and disabilities. I've tried to serve and push through, but my chronic fatigue only worsened and crippled me further. This pandemic has crippled and harmed me more than I've ever experienced in my life. I'm not able to rehabilitate anymore, as I was once on the track toward being able to attend grad school - but no longer. I'm not aging gracefully anymore; my mortality rate and lifespan has shortened by at least 10 years, even though I quit smoking (apparently, quitting only lessens the severity of disease, but it doesn't eliminate it). And I only smoked because I was given them for free as "patient cigarettes" in a psychiatric facility that threatened me to come out of my room or be admitted for a year. They got me to come out, gave me a free patient cigarette, and showed me how to smoke. They claimed that was progress, and after three weeks of being inpatient, I was let go. I then turned into a smoker. I never smoked before that. I reported the facility. They stopped handing out patient cigarettes. They also closed down years later. Good, I told myself, but not before it literally ruined my life. I'd rather have been depressed for a time than made an addict who never healed from that depression to begin with.


So when I think about all the injustices and judgments in the world, and when I see all the bickering and fights that adults make, the children and younger generations seem more sane and full of hope.


Ageism goes both ways, and the young should also be respected. There is a benefit to youth, and even proverbs and religion attest to that.

I don't know what to say, sorry. I relate to some of it. Most importantly I want you to know I read it and feel compassion.

I'm thankful to be Asian and in Asia because I have been stalked before. Not as dangerous as potentially being a victim of hate crime...not equating that. Just saying that kind of vigilance while walking about takes a huge toll.

Model minority myth definitely can trigger so much shame. The belief that you'll work hard and are smart and that harsh parenting produces good results. When it stunts ability to learn and grow psychologically and can leave many many many deep wounds.

I feel a ton of shame looking at how not ok I am due to CPTSD and DID. How I'm so far behind my ordinary peers. How I've never done well academically and in anything I'm a failure in life with health problems.

Religious/Spiritual abuse is painful - I'm still really hesitant to talk to my T about it. I've 2 alters from the religious abuse, and while I've nothing against religion or spirituality, I'm really afraid to talk about it.

I don't mind being an adult, because decades of abuse from before 4 or 5 sucks... but I do wish I had a different childhood so I might not have the difficulties I have now.

Sorry I'm rambling. I just want to say I relate some.

Thank you so much for your reply! I haven't been on this thread for a while (been dealing with vertigo/dizziness of some sort). I'm so sorry you struggle with childhood trauma stuff, too, including PTSD and DID.


Having tough parents are hard, especially when we don't live up to their standards. My parents don't believe my mental illness at all. I think that hurts the worst. But I survive.


Thank you for understanding and relating.

Oof vertigo/dizziness stuff can be so difficult. I've this off and on fainting (Orthostatic hypotension) if I get up too fast.

Whenever it happened, (before I fled my family), my parents would scold me. Like I wanted to deliberately faint? Stuff about how I didn't drink enough water or water or eat enough food.

Seems like an Asian thing lol - yell and lecture based on completely illogical stuff.

I keep my mental health issues a secret from my parents, since they're the ones who gave me them, along with other abusers. My father did suspect I had depression but yeah, it just meant he lectured me for 3 hours about how I'm pathetic, weak, a useless adult child, a failed investment. On and on.

It definitely hurts that they don't believe you. I think we never really ever "grow out" of the longing to have supportive parents?

It hurt badly when I left - I lost my family and my extended family. Even though I've always felt painfully lonely, I guess it really hurt to see them all choose my parents and the older siblings who abused me.

Having moved out, life is easier, though I struggle a lot still. But like you, yeah, I survive.

It's OK to take your time to reply or not reply (saying in case you've social anxiety issues like me) -- I've been on these couch threads for a while, including on my old deleted account. Sometimes folks continue the conversation on the next Couch thread since each Couch thread gets locked after reaching some limit.

Hey Couchies - do any of you remember when is the existing thread locked and the new one started?

Quoting myself cuz it's too late to edit that post. I noticed that I also have a swollen lymph node in my left armpit (same arm I got the shot in Friday). I've read it's nothing to worry about but it's a little painful. So probably was contributing to me being irritable at work today! I'm only mentioning it so that if anyone else is going to get their booster soon they will be able to plan accordingly... the most uncomfortable of my side effects from this one didn't start until the next day, like 24 hours or more after. I thought about calling in sick today and now I wish that I had. Oh well.

Nighty night couchies, I'm toddling off to bed now.... gotta be up early

My lymph node under the collarbone on the side where I got the shot stayed swollen for like 2 weeks after each one! I tend to have reactive lymph nodes though, ever since I had mono in college. It wasn't particularly painful though, just noticeable.

I hope you feel better soon, Artie, and that your apology gets acknowledged and accepted.

Outside with Dr. T went well. I was able to get a table on the side of the building and sat with my back to the parking lot, so was able to put ex-MC out of my mind (aside from a few minutes of discussion about him). Went well, stayed with topics like local real estate (including our own experiences in it) early on, plus a bit of stuff about D, but nothing overly deep. But the last 15 minutes, we had some discussion about our relationship, plus a bit about ex-MC, and I think it was very productive.

Amusing moment: I said how I felt like ex-MC was different in therapy than he likely was in everyday life. And how I got the sense from what he's said that Dr. T is basically the same in real life as he is as a therapist. Dr. T (laughing): "Yep, I'm just as obnoxious in real life!"

Ordering groceries online sure cuts out the impulse buying even though i always shop with a list. I was wondering why my groceries were cheaper then i realised i wasnt buying the expensive vegetarian stuff for my daughter as she and her boyfriend are buying their own groceries.

I am so tired and in so much pain. I spent 4 hours yesterday cleaning out all of my dad's junk in the garage. We're giving it back to the apartments to save $150 a month. We threw out 3/4 of a dumpster worth of stuff. My sister took like 15% to keep or sell, and we have another 10% to go through in the apartment. Today I went through one box of stuff, and that alone took me 2 hours. I hate taking care of everybody. I don't mind sometimes, but for everything...

We're going to try to get my dad on disability, and then I can claim that I'm his caregiver. That income will help us a lot.