Couch 235: Home State Advantage

Sarcasm from a coworker does not become her. Grr

Then again it was on Teams message so maybe it wasn't meant to be sarcastic. I certainly took it that way!

Well, I did get clinically accepted into the Residential Treatment program. I told the admissions guy that I had reservations and needed to think about it. He is going to call me tomorrow.

I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this toxicity. I have no words about the the horrible things she's said. You are not weird.

Well done for not giving in about the energy usage. I honestly would consider reporting the medical information being leaked. Here in the UK every search is logged against your card to prevent this sort of thing.

I just wish you could be out of there sooner.

Well done Kit.

I'm super proud of you for doing what's best for you.

Has your current psychiatrist been kept in the loop? Just my opinion, but I personally would not recommend stopping any long term medication quickly. Especially when they're asking for two at the same time.

That's a really good point, to check in with your psychiatrist, Kit.

So I cracked and wrote Info and told her what was going on and asked if she was free for a session.

So we Zoomed this afternoon. She was quite clearly on vacation, with someone I could hear leaving at the start. Her audio and video connections were not great.

She mostly helped, though. I felt so crappy I actually let her say a prayer for me, which I have resisted before. It was okay.

Kit, I had no idea how much of my depression was both caused and maintained by my family dynamics until I was far enough away from my family to see them clearly. I don't know if this particular facility would be good or helpful or what, but sometimes not being able to withstand being away from somebody is maybe the clearest sign that you should try it

I think it is good that you contacted her and that she was useful to some extent.

There was an article on Bored Panda about Finland and now all i can hear is Monty Pythons Finland song ....pony trekking or camping or just watching tv.....All togehter now! FINLAND! FINLAND!FINLAND! Thanks SD.

Well, letting her do that prayer was a mistake. She sent an email overnight with links to six blog posts by an evangelical deaf woman about how you can happily accept your hearing loss through God and bowing to the will of God.

It’s possible that I agreed that she could do this yesterday, I was in such a fog, so I can’t really get mad at her. But I don’t want to hear my disability and consequent struggles are God’s will.

Wow, I don't even know what to say to that...It's just so...clueless.

Holy carp.

Good point EM. Thanks for kindly bringing it up.


Very valid indeed.


Still I'm too terrified to go with it though for a few different reasons. I wrote the admission counselor guy an email saying not at this time, maybe something I would consider later.


I have major attachment issues with my parents. Probably from them being away for periods of time in my childhood (they were missionaries) and me being left behind in the care of whoever would take a little kid in and not even most of the time with my sister, we were split up. I also have some Judeo/Christian background and when I was about 5 watched these terrifying movies at Church about the "end times" and being left behind and all this bad terrible horrifying stuff that could happen. Freaked me the heck out. I am scarred for life. I wake up in the middle of the night and have to check that my parents are still in bed. And now that they are getting older (Dad will be 70 next month) and my Dad having been a fireman and telling me that if an Ambulance is called at 8 in the morning on a Sunday it is a bad sign that someone died in their sleep overnight. So if my Dad is not up by 7 on Saturdays and Sundays I go in to check on him to make sure he hasn't passed away in his sleep. All things I should talk about in therapy. My absolute terror of being away from my parents for more than a few nights.

I had a really bad session today. Feeling pretty angry. I decided to end the session after 26 minutes.

She texted me a backhanded non-apology apology. I didn't respond. Then she texted me that she's "very concerned" which felt manipulative. I eventually texted back that I don't have the capacity right now to deal with her or care if she's concerned.

She responded "I respect that. I do care about you."

Which tbh has made me angrier than ever. I want to tell her to get it through her thick skull that I am not interested in hearing any more opinions from her. And I didn't ask her if she cared about me so that's completely irrelevant and manipulative. I felt like she was making assumptions about why I was upset.

Also my (fixed) chihuahuas had sex yesterday and it's been burned into my memory.

Slumber, if you were waking me up at 7 am on the weekends, it would be YOUR life that would be in danger! Boy, one thing my momma taught me was, to NEVER wake her up! Im kinda the same way, but im just flying monkeys, not lions tigers and bears oh my!

Dealing with religious trauma is not easy. Some of us took it maybe too seriously. And not sure it was really helpful, because just scaring the eff out of somebody doesnt really teach the tools we need to make good decisions later in life. I feel like i tried to shuck it off, but thats not really dealing with it either, its just going from one extreme to another.

I was wondering these past few days, what exactly was your plan or goal for your time off, esp the 45 days? There were so many times i wanted a respite for myself, i wonder how my life might have turned out differently.

I'm sorry, ATAT. That is clueless and also gross.

Why do people who are believers think this sort of talk will give others comfort or draw them closer to Christ? I mean, that is part of their goal, right? But they go about it in such...awkward and off-putting ways. Someone said online recently that they wanted to draw people to Christ and, in the same post, said that "God is a jealous God" as a warning. Really?

This is nothing against anyone here who is a Christian or any other sort of believer. This is against people who try to push their beliefs into others inappropriately or without being invited.

In this case, I think it's inappropriate because of the power differential. If the T offers to pray, that is always wrong UNLESS that is something they have done before with that client or something the client has expressed a desire for. That is the T imposing their religious beliefs into the client, and I don't think that is right. (Although, again, if a client had shared they were a devout Catholic or had a strong affiliation to a church, perhaps it's okay?) But ATAT has done none of these things!

I would draw a boundary the next time you see her. Tell her you did not find it helpful and don't want to talk about God or religion anymore. (Or you could do it by email? I would definitely do that if she sends anything else of that nature!)

Forgive yourself, though. You had a lapse in judgment, maybe?, when you were feeling really down and vulnerable. Happens to the best of us.

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I'm taking a vacation day tomorrow. For purely mental health reasons. Just want to normalize that that's an okay thing to do. (To be fully honest, there's a lull in my normal responsibilities, so I feel like I'm not abandoning anything that's timely.)

I also want to acknowledge that in the US it's kind of a privilege to have paid time off. For many years I did not have that privilege. I don't think that's okay.

To me that's a completely normal and good thing to do as well, good job on looking out for yourself! I too think it's kind of weird to not have paid time off, it's a necessary thing so your workers feel fine...


Switzerland only just recently passed a law that gives dads paid time off after birth, I think things like this should be more normal!

ATAT, I can't comment much on what Info did, just that I had something similar happen to me once (a lady to whom I tried to explain that I don't have anyone to talk to said "you can always talk to god" right away), but I know that it's an upsetting thing to hear, regardless of the issue at hand. I'd be upset too if I had to hear that. A prayer is something different in my mind, I would probably not say one for anyone myself, but I can see why some people would try to do that as a way of comforting.

Hi unaluna,

My Dad doesn't get upset that I wake him up. He is usually awake anyway and just laying in bed. So then I'm like, get up with me, I've been up since four and he will get up.


Yes religious trauma is hard. I am still a very devout believer but there are certain things I can't do or watch or read because it is far too traumatic. Who thought it was a good idea for young children to watch those movies anyhow? Talking about it with my parents when I was an adult I found out the movies scared the beejeebies out of them too! So why did they bring us back week after week to watch more and be more traumatized!


I thought the residential treatment would be a little more like IP where my parents could come visit most days. But at this one you have no contact for 72 hours, then monitored, earned 5 minute phone calls, then monitored, earned 10 minute phone calls, then you earn visits on like your third or fourth week but only one day a week and for like an hour. This sounds like jail not a therapeutic place! It just sounded really punitive. I think the program itself might be good, with the groups and stuff that they taught the curriculum sounded good but the execution sounded horrible.


So instead I am taking 4.5 days off of work (hopefully this is enough or I will extend) and doing a schedule of some self care activities, some increased therapy activities where my T will be contacting me every day and some down time. Plus a "fun day" probably Friday where I hope to go to the beach or something comparable although I am really wanting to go to the beach. Also have doctor appointments and stuff next week so I will be attending those and letting my doctors know how I feel.


Also I besides the trauma of not being able to see my parents for weeks, I was worried about my job. My boss said if I took 45 days off then they would have no choice but to hire a bookkeeper for that time. My job SHOULD be protected under CFRA but there are so many ways around that, that I didn't want to take the risk of doing the 45 day thing and then not having a job afterward! I know my bosses like me but there is a limit to what people will put up with when you have a "disability" or an "accommodation" that needs to be made, unfortunately.


A friend of mine who is also religious, like me, suggested something in the past that might be helpful with the attachment to my parents and also mental health. Staying at a monastery for the weekend. You can do like Friday afternoon through Sunday afternoons, just like little silent getaways. I might look into that although my denomination is not Catholic. But I figure that might not matter. I'm sure they charge for the privilege of the silence and the rooms. They also have week long retreats. It isn't something I have looked into that deeply but it is in the back of my mind for maybe later in the year.


I'm hoping next week will be one of renewal and refreshing and uplifting so that the depression is not so stifling. Already I feel a little better with just the anticipation of the time to paint and the time to read and the time to do calligraphy. Etc.


HUGS Kit

My therapist just texted me and called me beautiful client/woman/person/human being.

Hmmm. Not sure how to take this. Maybe it is a little mushy for a therapist? I mean it is kind of nice, not very accurate, and a little strange.

I don't know how I feel about it.

ETA: As an accountant and HR person and office manager I suppose I have vendors and stuff which could be considered clients and never would I tell them they are are beautiful. I might tell them something like, you just made my day. Why is therapy so weird?

Kit, I think your judgement on the facility makes sense, in that it might be a bit much to right away go no contact unless doing certain things with your parents/other outsiders, and going off your meds and all. Your plans for the 4.5 days sound good too, just some stuff you can do for yourself and your mind!

Regarding the monastery, I just wanted to say one time in my teens, I had a camp with a couple of others in a monastery. It was completely free. Just that you had to live your life with them, there's some prayer sessions, time for food, being quiet. But "real" monasteries are usually pretty welcoming, everyone is there for a reason.

Thank you so very much CNS! I feel like my decision has been validated. Sometimes you gotta trust yourself that you know what you need, at least, I need to do that more. Thanks so much.