Couch 235: Home State Advantage

ToddlerManatee referred to crushed red pepper as "pizza salt" yesterday and now I will never call it anything else.

Thanks, Artie!

Love that!

I don't think I have a good enough imagination to interpret dreams, except in the most literal sense. Like when I have a nightmare that my dog gets run over, that's hardly mysterious since his death is my most frequent source of anxiety and I spend too much time ruminating about it.

I remember past sessions with ex-T, ex-MC, and Dr. T where I had mentioned things like "on my birthday tomorrow," even near the end of session, and didn't get any sort of "Have a good birthday." I said something to ex-MC about it, like, "Are therapists not allowed to wish a happy birthday?" And he said there's no rule, followed by, "Happy Birthday!" Which had meaning to me, even though I'd basically asked him to say it (see: too attached!)

Did Liz tell you her birthday? I imagine she appreciates your remembering (assuming she's not like, "How does EM know when my birthday is?") I know when Dr. T's birthday is (well, I remember it's in May, at least), but he doesn't know that I do (or at least I don't think he does). It's from a profile of him on his sport's website, so it's not like I went digging. I want to ask him at some point, in the hopes that he'll tell me, and then I can wish him happy birthday.

And Dr. T did remember. I didn't think he did at first, because he was just like, "Welcome to your Monday," as I looked at him expectantly. We talked about football a bit. He was mentioning how both games could have gone either way. Me: "Did you watch them?" Him (grinning): "No." Me: "OK, well, you were talking pretty knowledgeably about them." (I did watch both.)

Then I ended up on the topic of my and H's former coworker who I learned last night had died. We were talking some about that, and even got into some of his clients' deaths when he was like, "This is a rather dark topic for your birthday." Me: "Yeah." Him: "It's probably an inappropriate time for me to throw a party horn graphic up on the Zoom screen." Which he proceeded to do.

He didn't say "Happy Birthday" then, but did at the end of session, which I appreciated.

Happy Birthday LT!

The dog dream does seem like a pretty clear interpretation. I'm sorry you feel so anxious about your dog, but I get it.

I've read that it isn't necessarily what happens in your dreams but the emotions around it. Like if it's some really random thing that happens, but you feel anxiety about it, it probably is just your brain expressing anxiety.

I had a truly random dream the other night in which a family friend lent me his violin--I think it was actually a cello, but we kept calling it a violin--and I hung it outside for some reason, then when I turned on the air conditioner, it snapped the neck of it (I don't know...). And my mom was telling me I'd have to pay the $200,000 value of it back to the owner, while I was crying and saying it was an accident. So I think that was a general anxiety and guilt dream, maybe partly about money or my fear of making costly mistakes. And being judged by my mom. Anxiety was the emotion that stayed with me.

Thanks, Kit! How are you doing?

I don't think she told me specifically, but I figured it out from bits of information on the publicly available parts of her Facebook profile a long time ago (people wishing her happy birthday and then a comment on something where she mentioned her age). Then we talked about my "research" and she understood what I was doing and what I needed at the time, so she was fine with it. Much later she did share something much more personal about a particular birthday from when she was a teenager, so somehow knowing the date and year seems like not a big deal at this point.

ETA: This year she told me that it was "sweet" that I remembered, which is charming and condescending all at once.

Hi LT!


I'm pretty good. I seem to be mostly recovered (just a bit of a runny nose and body aches) from whatever it was that I had that wasn't Covid.


I see Julieanne tomorrow. I read a book on Self Injury (They call it that, I prefer self harm) but I am going to tell her it is probably better for a clinician and offer to send it to her. I didn't read the whole thing, just parts of it but it had a lot of psych lingo in it. It did depress me when I saw that I met their criteria for Inpatient Hospitalization most of the time when I was self harming. But I wouldn't now so I am trying to be happy in that.

By the way, I think Joy is something that is almost spiritual. It's very pure and free some societal constraints, family constraints, etc. It is a pure emotion that leaves us breathless. Holding my niece for the first time. Or the first time she called me **** my family name which I don't want to put out here publically and is different from my English-ized name. Stuff like that is things that bring me joy. And getting letters from the Children I sponsor through Compassion International. That brings me joy.


HUGS hope your birthday is awesome! Kit

LT, what a sweet session! So acknowledging!

Oh no I see my psychiatrist in 8 minutes and the house is not clean and there's a bag of trash in the sink in my kitchen and also my hair is extremely tangled and also it looks like I have dirty nails but it's just blueberry stains but it looks like dirt and I am apprehensive.

Happy birthday LT!

I think joy vs happiness is similar to love vs care. Like others were saying, it's happiness +. Maybe the + is also love: love and happiness. And I think joy usually comes from the simpler and smaller things. It's like contentness. Almost a peace within there? That's my take anyways.

Thanks, Scarlet!

Are you going to eat cake LT? I need details if so.

My appointment was ok but it was humiliating when she asked if I'd been out of bed today and I started saying yes. Then I remembered I had been out of bed only to take the trash out but wimped out because I didn't want to go outside. Mostly because I don't have any slip on shoes and putting on shoes with laces felt like Too Much. I have a pair of flip flops but one of them is in the scary area under my bed and therefore lost forever.

Yes, it felt nice. And he said some other stuff (that I mentioned in Dear T) not related to my birthday that felt meaningful, too.

Not sure about cake. I know it's weird, but I'm not a big cake person. I will be having risotto and wine! (H is picking up carryout.)

I hope she was understanding about it. I get how it can feel like too much. Not sure if this is what's happening for you, but I've had some agoraphobia issues off and on throughout the pandemic. Around January 10 or so, I realized I had not left the house yet in 2022. Still took me a couple more days to do it, even just to move my car to a closer parking space.

That's good she seems to get it. I still worry, after all this time, that Dr. T would be somewhat freaked out.


"Sweet" is difficult. I remember how one of the two times I told ex-T I loved her, she said, "Aw, that's sweet." Which felt condescending. I'm not saying it to be nice! I think in both cases, Liz and ex-T, they were touched by it though.

I got a surprise phone call from my sister in KC earlier, she heard a song that she remembered telling me about awhile back that we both really resonate with (Sara Bareilles She Used To Be Mine). We had a nice chat and I didn't even bother trying to work. Gave myself an extra break today. I deserve it.


I just listened to it again now and get goosebumps all over again. holy smokes i love that song.

"If I'm honest I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over
And rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew"

I feel guilty because I found out my 17 y.o. niece is on antidepressants. I'm sure her parents messed her up. But I still feel guilty/responsible/like I caused it or contaminated her someway with my Schizoaffective disorder. Then that makes me feel bad and like I need to be punished. I typed this out in a text to Julieanne (my T) and asked to SH contract with her for 28 hours.

HUGS, Kit. You are not responsible for this in any way. I am glad that you reached out to J and contracted for 24 hours. Please take care.

Kit, I do not in any way mean to invalidate your feelings about this but I can't really comprehend how you're niece's depression could be your fault. Maybe it's less upsetting to blame yourself than to think of her parents screwing her up? Idk, sometimes I blame myself for things because then I don't feel so helpless and horrified at other peoples' wrongdoing.