[coolibrarian]

Hi Folks.
In addition to my insecurities about termination (to happen sometime in 2023), since I've retired, it's up to me to make all the business/financial phone calls (My wife made them when she had the summer off, but now she's back to work and can't make outgoing phone calls from her place of employment. My wife is not afraid of making these calls. She just doesn't like to.). This always gives me great anxiety for a variety of reasons, the most painful and scary being that I am afraid I will be judged, labelled "stupid," or laughed at. Logically I know I shouldn't, but I have a strong tendency to put things off until the last minute, and sometimes past the last minute. This has gotten me into financial difficulties on more than one occasion. You would have thought I'd know what to do by now and just DO IT. I'm 62, and I'm still afraid of being judged. Of course, it is not the actual person on the other end of the phone who is doing the judging, but my long-dead, abusive, and neglectful mother. Many times, I am unable to turn off my mother's voice in my head. What's going to happen after I terminate with T? My anxiety just ramped up 100 more notches!

In addition, I'm ill. I managed to snag a doctor's appointment for tomorrow morning, that is IF I can start my car. It's been well below freezing here for many days.

I hold 3 Master's degrees, have published a book, and have been published in many print and online journals and anthologies. Yet I still get so anxious when I have to make these calls. I'm not stupid. I am intelligent. But the thought of making these calls makes me feel stupid. I keep thinking I'm getting over feeling this way, but I'm really afraid this is going to be with me for the rest of my life.

My T can't make these calls for me. My wife can't during the day. My dead mother, after I'd begged her to, made some of the calls, but always added how stupid she thought I was for not being able to make them myself. My mother died in 2003; WHY WON'T SHE JUST SHUT UP, ALREADY?

She's in the grave next to my father, and I still haven't had her engraving done. Firstly, it's expensive. Secondly, I don't care anymore. But I still feel guilty for not having it done. I stopped going to the cemetery to "visit" them a long time ago, and have no plans to go back anytime soon.

Please send any kind of support that you can. I think I might have to take a sedative and then I won't be able to do anything.

--Cool

[susannahsays]

I relate. I'm not actually worried about being judged or laughed out, but for some reason I still get massive anxiety when making calls anyway. This doesn't happen with immediate family members but everybody else, including people like my grandparents who would be mentally and emotionally incapable of doing those things.

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs if wanted, Cool. I also feel anxiety in making calls, even something seemingly easy like making a reservation at a restaurant. I tend to get my husband to make them.


Is it maybe something you could work on in therapy?

Also, see what you can do online. Many companies have a chat option (where you just type), and I tend to use that when available. Plus, then I can screenshot the chat and have "proof" if they offered me something, like a refund. And see what you can do via email as well.

[coolibrarian]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Hugs if wanted, Cool. I also feel anxiety in making calls, even something seemingly easy like making a reservation at a restaurant. I tend to get my husband to make them.


Is it maybe something you could work on in therapy?

Also, see what you can do online. Many companies have a chat option (where you just type), and I tend to use that when available. Plus, then I can screenshot the chat and have "proof" if they offered me something, like a refund. And see what you can do via email as well.

I've been working on this in therapy the entire time I've been in therapy (30+ years).

I was able to do some of this online, but where I've forgotten my password, it makes it that much more difficult and anxiety-provoking.

[coolibrarian]

Things are getting worse. I'm taking a sedative and going to bed.

[ArtieTheSequal]

Sorry to hear that, Cool. Hugs if wanted.

[velcro003]

Aww, Cool. I’m sorry. I also have anxiety around calling for stuff like that. I HATE feeling stupid, and I understand your fear of that,

I hope the sedative and sleep help a little bit.

[Quietmind 2]

I relate. Years on and I still remember how my father would nitpick every word, my tone, and all kinds of stuff while I'm in the call. Loud enough for the other side to hear, and make it tough for me to hear their replies.

One time it was a call to emergency services because I thought a friend attempted suicide. (Friend was OK in the end, thankfully.) He knew it was to emergency services as it was past midnight, and I told him to shut up because I can't hear the operator.

I wish I had a solution to reduce the immense anxiety around phone calls

[SlumberKitty]

I relate, Cool. HUGS Kit

[divine1966]

I can relate. When I complained to my former t, she said “it won’t kill you, you know that right?”. It actually helped because really what’s going to happen? I can survive that.

I make phone calls for my husband when appropriate because he is way worse than me. I also open his mail because he is too scared to open envelopes. I am anxious about this stuff but not to that degree.

It’s so interesting how so many people are scared or anxious make phone calls, answer phone calls, open mail etc For me I don’t think it’s that they’ll judge me. I am always scared to make wrong decision when I have to choose something or am scared to hear or see something bad.

[Omers]

Hey Cool, I am hoping things are going better. I am in a similar place to yours about phone calls being very anxiety producing. Calls to utilities and service providers especially bother me. I also hate talking on the phone to friends/family as it creates a ton of anxiety. Now… the kicker? I currently work basically at a call center! I really like my job… from 7pm to 3am I am calling making sure everything is OK with shipments. Most of the people I call find the calls a bother at best and some get outright nasty. And… I am one of the better ones at de escalation! Go figure. But… the calls at work have absolutely nothing to do with me.
I think the important take away is that anxiety doesn’t have to make sense… it is just there, another hassle we have to deal with on our way to wholeness.

Phone calls are a very unnatural way of communicating with other human animals. I think the fear many people experience about phone calls (myself included) is a primitive reaction. It's like Zoom meetings. We aren't designed to look at our own faces when speaking to others. With calls, we aren't designed to speak to another (practically anonymous) person who is hidden away at many miles distance.