Couch 236: NY PS Langston Hughes

Do you like reading? I would probably go to the library and pick up some books. Or audiobooks - most libraries these days seem to use Libby or Overdrive, so you could get those from home.

Thanks, QM and also Artie. I was really anxious in the beginning--didn't help that he got me 5 minutes late, though he made up for it at the end of session--and spent the first 20 minutes or so just rambling about things. I said how I was anxious, and he said he would have expected me to be. But he talked through it with me, and I calmed down.

I managed to talk about some deeper stuff in the last part of session, like fears how this sort of pause in the pandemic for my area won't last. Including how I worried that if he ended up having to stop in-person sessions fairly quickly again (3 weeks last summer), that he might just be like, "Forget it, I'm not trying this again." He said he would never do that.

Well, then he joked that he'd do that for me only, that he'd see other clients in person again, but not me. Then said of course he was kidding.

So we talked about ways to deal with the uncertainty, including my instinct of "I need to do all the things now! While I can! Because it's all going to go away soon!" vs. "What's the point? It's all going to go away." But it was clearly a "to be continued" conversation. And he also shared how his own ability to hope had begun faltering around 7 years ago with some political stuff. So it helped feeling like he was in that headspace, too.

Fashion report: casual plaid (cream and gray) button-down shirt with a couple buttons undone over a dark T-shirt, jeans, green athletic socks, tennis shoes.

At the end of session, I got up to leave (he said it was up to me whether to put a mask on). He said, "It was good seeing you--for real this time." Which felt nice. I said it was good seeing him, too.

Do you have TMS? My sister does and having to open her mouth wide and keep it like that for an extended period really causes issues for her.

I generally find naproxen sodium is the best for relieving body aches and pains. Maybe also try stretching the muscles of your jaw a bit - the pain could be from muscle spasms from holding your mouth open. I've only had this happen when I had my wisdom teeth taken out, but everybody's different.

Ugh, I'm sorry you're dealing with that and hope the GI bleed improves soon. Things to do at home--maybe try listening to some new music? Any shows you've wanted to binge watch? Drawing? Painting? Writing? Not sure what all you're into.

We finally got my mom's test results, she's negative for both covid and flu. Dr said that she has some other virus that just has to run its course. She said that last night was the worst she's felt yet. As little as she's left her house the past 2 years and still got sick, I won't be surprised if she becomes a total hermit now after this.

I know I gave a generally positive report of my Dr. T session, but I also felt sort of detached for most of it. I had trouble feeling the connection. I know in part, it may be just adapting to in-person again. But I think a big part of it is my fear that in-person sessions will go away again soon. So I'm sort of protecting myself.

I'm going to mention that to him at our Friday session. He already knows I'm concerned about them ending, but I didn't really mentioned feeling more detached (though maybe it was obvious? I did feel a bit more connected when I got emotional toward the end). I want to ask for his help in being more present and feeling more connected. So that even if it is short-lived, I'll get as much out of it as I can. Instead of thinking "Well, I kind of wasted that time."

Did anyone else experience this resuming in person? (I know, that may be going a ways back for some of you!) If so, how did you get feeling more back to normal? If not, any suggestions?

I'll be honest, it felt like a 'coming home' of sorts when I went back to in person. We didn't do virtual for very long.

I think I felt that a bit last summer, the homecoming feeling. I suspect the reason I'm more tentative now is because of that lasting only a few weeks.

Hm, and I wonder if the conflict I had with T over his returning in person this time has anything to do with it? I didn't post about that too much on here, but he said I'd basically called him a hypocrite (he'd suggested he didn't feel safe opening in person yet, but was going to travel). And then he opted to start in person 2 weeks earlier than what he'd said, before his trip rather than after.

ETA: I didn't use the word "hypocrite" (and was careful not to). I did say how his traveling but saying it didn't feel safe returning to meeting in person "felt contradictory to me."

LT: It took me a couple of sessions for me to feel re-connected to my T after resuming in person sessions. I was super anxious as well; it is a totally different experience in my opinion!

LT, I've never done virtual -- though now I'm finally in a living situation where I can try if I'm sick -- but I always have that detachment between sessions particularly if there has been a therapy break.

Or if something major happened which I'm afraid of judgment if I tell her, or if I'd shared something vulnerable between sessions or in the previous sessions. Or, most recently, she dyed her hair a bright colour. Nothing against that, it's just new and I automatically get anxious and then detached.

For me, personally (ymmv), it helps if my T and I focus on connection first. Usually I start with a "this feels weird / I feel disconnected" statement and she reminds me that she's still the same person since before the change. She'll ask me to look around the room (54321 grounding) and to feel the atmosphere in the room. To see that the room is still the same. And/Or if its the 2nd room she typically uses less often / some small thing in the room changed, to look at her and her body language, how she's still the same.

It's co-regulation with my T, basically. Hope it helps.

Also please no comments on how attunement is silly, or that attachment is bad. I'm not doing great mental health wise, and have a lot of shame because my former friend/landlady really attacked me, my self worth and my therapy, which has affected the therapeutic alliance a lot. Along with my sense of self-trust, my sense of autonomy, my sense of myself as a human being rather than a sub-human...

Thanks, Velcro. I guess it took a little time last summer for me as well. Agreed that it's a totally different experience.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, QM. They were helpful. First, I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I hope that your new living place makes it better. Of course, you know you won't get any negative comments about attunement or attachment from me.

What you said about your T dying her hair--one difference about in-person is that Dr. T doesn't wear glasses. He wears reading glasses for virtual (though will take them off for a bit at times). So it feels in a way like I'm talking to a different person. Plus the whole 3-dimensional, full-length thing!

Maybe I'll suggest the grounding exercises to him. He does have training in mindfulness, and we've done a 3-minute meditation together (where we both sat silently with our eyes closed) in the office a couple times. Maybe something like that would help calm me down? And he might know something else for connection. If nothing else, maybe we could just try chatting for a bit, which we often do to start the session anyway.

I also think it would help if I wasn't thinking to myself something like "Stop talking about random things, LT! It's already 15 minutes in. Now 20! You need to use this time well. Stop wasting it."

Hm, it just occurred to me how that's like when I'm awake for a long time in the middle of the night (like last night) and am thinking things like, "Well, if I fall asleep now, I can get x hours of sleep. Why am I not asleep yet? Shut up, brain. Now it's another half-hour later." And that certainly doesn't work for sleep. The times when I just sort of relax and think "It's OK, you can take a nap tomorrow if you need to," that seems to work better. Or when I just focus on my breathing or try a sleep meditation thing on the Fitbit. So it makes sense that would apply to a session, too.

I swear my parents' have put a curse on me (half joking), because I accidentally offended my landlady. I did not know her religion means pork and beef cannot be cooked or consumed. It wasn't in my tenant contract. I got notice to move out by end April, and her relative will move in.

Yeah lol, looks like I'm going to really need to hang onto my T for a while so I don't unalive myself.

In that case, I would conclude that it had nothing at all to do with my behavior and everything to do with the fact that my landlady strongly preferred to have her relative living there rather than me.

I would not be blaming myself or thinking I had done anything bad or wrong. Especially if I had never been told about her dietary preferences!

I'm sorry you will be forced to move yet again. That is so stressful. Please take care of yourself and extend yourself the same grace and goodwill you would give to a friend experiencing the same problems.

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I think perhaps I forgot the dietary restrictions but yes, it should have been in the contract.

Theres other stuff too but really it wasn't in the contract at all either! To wash the toilet once a week, and mop the bathroom floor dry.

She has a phobia of slipping on water and falling, because she fractured a bone but then again, bathrooms get wet and I noticed grab bars and offered to get her non slip mats.

It's just so... I've no words. Rental prices have sky rocketed along with landlords imposing very very unfair terms that they'll never tolerate if they rented themselves. Along with domestic violence rates remaining high and shelters being full.

People renting are either foreigners or locals who had to flee their families and/or spouses. Adults here can face life threatening violence regularly and get no help because the state says "just leave and rent a room."

I basically have to lie and say I'm an orphan without parents because I otherwise get discriminated against by landlords.

It's a little absurd that I have to teach customer service reps from the Housing Government Body wtf their own legislation is regarding landlords and tenants and mandatory reporting of address changes etc...

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, QM....Are you still trying to move to your partner's country?

QM - L and I do a lot of attachment work and grounding. And if she changes something, it unbalances me. Usually if she changes something in the room, she'll send me a picture so I can prepare myself. And if she changes schedule, she explains why so I don't take it personally.

We do grounding work similar to your attunement when I get outside my window. We talk about my dog, list colors, breathing, sounds, feeling (we hold hands), etc.

I don't think there's anything wrong with attunement or attachment.

If you find something useful -what difference does it make what someone else thinks? I doubt you can control what others do or don't do -but whether you let what someone else thinks bother you is up to you.

I know all that. I find it really hard to not be bothered, and if I could just stop caring, I would. Really. If you've some tips, I'll appreciate them.

I'm in a culture where it's highly important to care about what others think of me. Where it's a default to be shamed about a lot of things in this manner, and yet not express any emotional and physical pain.

I feel extremely weak and fragile and its not because I want to be like that.

Yup, still am. It's been really difficult because he's doing a lot of mandatory overtime and I had been trying to find a new place to live, and surviving my (now former) landlady's Clinical delusions and her making threats.

Hugs all around to those who want/need.

I just got off of the weekly zoom drum circle, another good one tonight. I'm so glad that I started attending them... I'm gonna sleep like a rock tonight I bet.

Now, I am off to find some yarn and a crochet hook and attempt to learn the tunisian smock stitch....

Today's Wordle should not have been allowed! I am raging! I completed it, but at the "Phew" stage which is rude because I don't feel relief, only fury!

I got it too but only by luck!!! just happened to get 2 of the letters right in my first guess which never happens for me. It still took me the rest of the chances haha

I got it, had three letters in place and knew the fourth letter (just in wrong spot) after the 3rd try. So I got it on the 4th. But definitely see your objection to it.

I solved Quordle (4 words at once, though more guesses) today and let out a "Whoo!" of victory, which sent my guinea pigs running for cover. (I apologized to them.)