Couch 236: NY PS Langston Hughes

Getting some of the hoarded trash cleaned up. I figure if i can do about 1 cubic foot a day, i might be happy.

That seems like a reasonable goal!

I've got an organizer coming to my house in about an hour for a consultation. I'm considering hiring someone to help me go through all the boxes I never unpacked after the fire. I'm feeling anxious about having someone come into my house and about trying to explain why my house is such a mess. I mentioned the fire in my initial contact, but how are you supposed to explain that your house is so dusty and cluttered because you've been depressed? I feel so ashamed. And then if I do hire her, we'll have to actually go through all the stuff which I'm not sure I'm actually ready to tackle. P has been trying to contain his enthusiasm about me setting this appointment up.

Hugs if wanted, NP. I've never used an organizer before, but I'd imagine they're a bit like a therapist in that if they've been doing it any decent length of time, they've probably heard just about everything and won't think anything about it at all. I hope the consultation goes well.

There is no need to explain - they are hired to do a job -no need to justify or defend why you hired them.

Hugs, NP. I agree with Artie (and stopdog). I imagine they've seen all sorts of things. And hopefully wouldn't judge. If they do seem judgmental, then I'd find a new organizer.


In terms of having to go through the stuff--I'm not sure if this idea is feasible or if it would help. But if it's about seeing the items in person, could the organizer maybe take pictures of them, and you could look at them from another room? Or just list what's in each box, something like that? So, say, it was a box of dishes, and you know you don't want to save any dishes, then you could just tell the organizer to get rid of them.

Break time, whew! that was an uncomfortable meeting I just came out of. I had to rate myself as an employee in 27 different categories (highest, medium, lowest and each of those 3 had to have 9 things in it.) in front of my supervisor and my lead. It kinda felt like a tough therapy session but without the comforts of the therapeutic relationship. I'm such a boob, I was crying halfway through and trying so hard not to. Not because they were being mean or anything, they weren't at all, it's just me, I hate talking about myself especially having to say GOOD things - it was hard having to put 9 things in the highest category. If I could have just said I am fair to middling at everything that would be easy for me. But I was forced to pick 9 things I could say I am good at. Right after we started I was like can't I just do this on my own? Do I have to do it in front of you both? No option for that. And you can't just make your own list either, we had to rate the specific things in their list. It would have been easier if I could have made up my own list of 9 things about my job that I'm good at.

I am one of those professors who makes students write their own letter of recommendation for me before I will write one for them. I hear it a lot about how writing good things about themselves is hard. So we practice it. Knowing what skills they have, recognizing those skills for what they are, and practicing putting into a professional format are all skills they need. Also because I believe they need to be more interested in them getting a job than I am - if not, there is something very wrong.

it wouldn't have been nearly as uncomfortable if i could have done the assessment offline by myself. But i had to do it out loud in front of them both on Teams. the having to "present", on the spot with no advance notice was what made it hard.

Today's poem, I actually did write about the weeds in my front yard. I've had enough of emotions today. This week. This month.

But! I have written 14 poems in the past 12 days and I am happy about that! Probably most of them need editing, but... that's okay. That can be my project for May, to start reworking those that need help.

Quiet day on the couch. Hugs / headnods all around as appropriate.

I miss Info. Visa is not the therapist for this crisis.

My mother has done these things in the last 24 hours:

-suddenly brought up euthanasia for herself
-when the specialists she’s supposed to see call to try to make an appointment, she is so overwhelmed/deaf/sick/confused she’s told them no. I fixed it, since she didn’t actually mean no.
-had to be lifted off the kitchen floor (by me) becuase she was too weak to get up on her own

And Visa’s response to each of these has been to normalize it. No sympathy. Just “oh yeah, that happens.” Or some tenuous personal link about which I do not give a flying ****.

So, enough texting with her, which hasn’t been helpful for a while anyway (for similar reasons). I need that reaction like a hole in the head.

So sorry about your Mother's health problems @@
You definitely need a T with a more understanding and empathetic response to your situation.

Would you consider contacting Info again (or someone new)? Even if only to help you through this current crisis.

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I'm sorry you're having to deal with all that, @@. It all sounds really difficult and stressful. And exhausting.

I also wondered if you'd be able to contact Info. I think she was going to keep working, but just do virtual, right? Not sure how you left things with her, if you could still have a session or some other contact. As Visa doesn't sound useful for this situation. Is she good at empathy normally? With Dr. T earlier on, I found I sometimes had to say something like, "I'm just looking for support right now" and let him know when something he said was the opposite of what I needed in the moment. Not that you should have to do that--I mean, they're trained in this, they should understand what would and wouldn't be helpful in this situation. But if Visa's your only option right now, could be worth a try to say "I need x, not y or z."

Sometimes I feel that normalising something and minimising it are indistinguishable from one another. I'm sorry Visa can't offer more than (botched) empathy at the moment.

I hope you're able to find a way to get through this, and hopefully find a competent therapist to help you navigate it, if that's how you would like to do so.

_____________________________________________________

I have a session with R in about an hour. Pocket-riders would be much appreciated.

I hope your session went well, Lost!

I'm also sorry about your mom, atat. I hope there's some improvement to the situation for you soon!

I'm so sorry about your mom @@. That sounds so stressful and I hope things improve for her. And I hope you can find the support you need that is helpful as well. Hugs if wanted.

This is a good point--I know for me, normalizing sometimes helps me, but other times, it feels invalidating or dismissive. And it can vary from topic to topic, or even by situation within the same topic.


Hope your session went well, Lost!

I too hope your session went well, Lost!

Thank you, LT and Artie. I've posted an update in IST.

Now it's just about getting through the next 12 days. Technically, once I get through tomorrow, the April onslaught is over. I think I'm paying a price for not having allowed myself to feel anger appropriately. Now it's appropriate, I can't access it.

I was googling a person that was married to my ex's father at one point and found both his father's and his brother's obituaries. The brother was only 55. They both died while he was in prison. I've occasionally googled his father to see if he was still alive because I felt a bit of anger that his was still alive while mine died. I feel like he played a part in my ex's mental health issues. So did his brother. I wonder if he's kept in contact with family and knows they died. I wonder if he's glad. He always told me he would never go to his dad's funeral. I grew to dislike these people over the years because of their attitudes and behavior, but I still knew them. Not sure how to process the feelings this is bringing up about my ex, my resentment towards my ex, my not-very-gracious thoughts about these people, and my own father's death. Something new to discuss with P I guess.

I did email Info this morning. She is working virtually until the end of the year. We parted fine—I don’t particularly want to risk ruining that but this is soul-trying. And I am not in the mood to train Visa—I do not give a damn about the personal stuff she insists on dropping on me, while at the same time illogically she keeps a desk between herself and clients and a credit card sign on the desk. If you do that, imo you don’t get to tell me about your autism and anxiety and ADHD and kids and parents and brother. The only thing I have the slightest interest in is her deaf grandfather and her time at Gallaudet, just because they’re relevant to me with my hearing.

I mean, my acupuncturist asked me to email updates if I wanted to, and I have a couple times, and her responses have been more helpful to me than Visa has.

So anyway Info replied and said she can offer virtual support this summer. I accepted. And I think I’m not bothering with Visa until this is over if then. She makes things worse.

Hugs, if wanted, NP. That does seem like it would bring up really complicated emotions. Definitely seems like something to discuss with P. Hopefully he'll be helpful.

I'm glad you'll be getting virtual support from Info. It definitely makes sense not to work with Visa right now when she's making it worse. (And then maybe use her for what she is good at later on.) It's kind of sad if an acupuncturist is more helpful than your therapist, though I'm glad she is.

Hope you have an easier few days with your mom.

Dr. T fashion report from this morning: solid black button-down shirt, blue jeans, black tennis shoes. I'm getting the sense that he's doing a compromise of dress shirt and jeans now, after he said he felt he should start dressing more professionally (pre-pandemic, he used to do dress pants, some sort of patterned dress socks, and dress shoes--then he went through a pandemic phase of mostly Under Armour/similar shirts and hoodies).

Post-vacation (his) session generally went well. Covered a fair number of topics, with some particularly insightful stuff near the end that I need to think about some more--may put in In Session Today, not sure.

One earlier topic was how I was debating whether to go to an indoor concert on Monday (my first since the pandemic), due to concerns about rising case rates, especially in the city where it's happening (I'd wear a KN95 mask the whole time, but I imagine most people would be unmasked, and it's a standing room only venue). And also because my D's birthday party will be the weekend after, including all the grandparents who are over 70. He asked how I felt about possibly skipping it. I started crying, then said, "I don't know." I said, "Yeah, I said, 'I don't know', then started crying." He said, "It's more that you started crying and *then* said 'I don't know.'" He suggested I take a bit more time to decide (my main thing is whether to try to sell my ticket). And said if I tested Friday, it would probably be fine, regarding the party.

I also mentioned concerns that he was going to stop in-person sessions, and he said he felt no reason to at this time, so that was good to know. It's weird that he seemed so concerned about Covid before, and now he's not even wearing a mask to retrieve me in the waiting room (we don't wear them in session, though are around 6 feet apart) and isn't doing the leaning away from me thing he did last summer when I would unavoidably pass closer to him due to the shape of his office when I left (even though at the time, I was wearing a mask).

At the end, we were slightly over time (kept chatting about stuff, then I happened to get a text from my mom that was relevant to something we'd discussed). I went to stand up, realized my foot was asleep, and was like, "I really am trying to leave! But my foot is asleep, and I don't want to fall over." He said, "I have insurance for that sort of thing, but I don't want to use it right now." So I took a minute, he wished me a good weekend and "good luck deciding about the concert."