Couch 236: NY PS Langston Hughes

That sounds like fun!

It will be, I can't wait!! This is the gal that hosted the sister weekends at her mom's condo and her house in pre-pandemic times. She's a hoot and I can't wait to see her again, and her hubby is cool too so I know him and h will get along, so she and I will get to have some girl time too to talk.

i gotta hit the sack. i'm bushed. night couchies!

Thanks, you make some good points here. I do understand he needs to make the decisions based on everyone. And if I someone ended up getting him sick, and it was more than a cold, I think I'd really struggle with that (of course, I'd never go to the office if I had any reason to think I had it, and he will always continue to offer virtual as an option).

I do think maybe part of what's difficult right now is that he *has* been talking about when he intends to resume in person. Just before omicron started in late November/early December, he'd started talking about possibly returning in person after the holidays. But then once omicron happened, of course that discussion stopped. So there were a couple months there where it didn't feel like even a remote possibility, so maybe in some ways, that was easier?

I know that may conflict with my wanting to have hope, but it was more the thought of "OK, we need to get through this wave, then whenever it passes, we'll do in person," but there was no time line attached to that by him until recently. Then it was "maybe the beginning of March," then "maybe the middle of March," now "maybe the end of March." Maybe I just need to say, "don't say anything unless it's the morning of my session, and you're willing to meet me in your office." Or the night before or something.

As for catching it on the trip, I think he was planning to start back as soon as he returns. Which actually makes me a little anxious, because when he was on a trip in September, he had to delay his session with me because he was symptomatic and was getting tested for Covid (he was negative). It was a virtual session, but still--he'd just traveled and clearly had been exposed to *some* sort of illness (and I'd never in 4 years seen him sick before--he'd never called out either, aside from an injury).

When I met with him in person in the summer, it was also right when he'd returned from a trip, and I'd mistakenly assumed a few things from what he'd said about taking precautions there. Then, when he mentioned some of what they did and an event he'd gone to, I felt anxious and saw him virtually for the next session (at the time, vaccines hadn't been available for my daughter yet).

So maybe I'm a little uncertain about it, too, ultimately. I suppose I at least want the option to be there, to maybe be able to make the choice myself, if that makes sense. I mean, if he'd offered me in person in December, I'd have declined (rates were very high here for a couple months and have dropped quite a bit in the past month--knocking on wood here!)

I think it's also just hard because of seeing on here and from a couple friends how many T's are seeing clients in person and have been for a long time, even though, say, they may have an infant at home or may have some risk factors themselves. I suppose it feels in a way that they're taking a risk and sort of making a sacrifice for their clients that mine isn't. And I completely respect that and, quite honestly, don't know what I'd do in his place (I've worked as a freelancer from home since well before the pandemic). But it can still be difficult seeing the differences between how some T's opt to run their practices during a pandemic.

OK, I've rambled on enough! But typing replies helps me think things through, so thanks for that.

I used chat for the hotline last night (I wasn’t going to deal with the phone). I’m pretty sure it was concurrent, the guy took so long to respond at times. (Either that or he was flipping in his script looking for what to say next.)

I was just reading a NYT interview with a Ukrainian psychologist, in which she said:



That did not go where I thought it was going. I like her.

LT- maybe it's also just because you were hoping to see him in person and hearing him push it back even more is disappointing, ?

You're allowed to vent.

He should have dropped the work questions after you told him to stop. It's not stupid for feeling his leaving may be personal.

If you think today's session will be helpful go, but his prolonged leaving is hurting you more. Maybe starting with someone else now whilst staying with him would help? '

Yeah, you're right, and that's definitely part of it. For some reason, I just feel this shame around just saying "I miss you" or "I miss seeing you in person." Maybe that's something to examine with him, why it elicits those feelings? And why I feel weird about sharing them?

It may also be that I know he wouldn't say, "I miss seeing you in person, too," but would say something more general, like, "I also miss seeing clients in person." Which would just make me feel like one of many (I think he did say something like that once, which is why I'm thinking he'd say it again.)

Hi LT,

I wanted to contribute to this discussion, but wasn't sure what to say initially. I also avoided having the 'I miss you/I miss in person sessions' conversation with R for a long time. Partly because it would have evoked Soluble Lost, and Soluble Lost is hard enough to deal with in person. When I eventually admitted it, I cried...but I was met with understanding. It's hard if you feel/know that you aren't going to get that.



Even now, when we have to do virtual occasionally, I still struggle a bit. In person, they're real. When working virtually, it's almost like they don't really exist.

I think it's hard to depend on people in the way we do in the therapeutic relationship, when the people we were supposed to depend on growing up weren't the most dependable people...

I hope that you are able to resume in-person soon.

Well, add me to the list of people who are upset with their T right now. I ended up emailing Dr. T last night about what I was feeling and didn't feel like I was being pushy or rude or anything. And he sent this two-sentence reply that seems like an autoreply or something (it's not) that was essentially "I'll take that under advisement."

I feel really hurt, especially because he has emphasized lately how it's good when we each express how we're feeling and are open with each other and that he thinks that's why the therapeutic relationship has worked so well between us the couple years (as opposed to the first two). I did send something brief back, but image he won't reply till tonight at the earliest, maybe not until tomorrow morning, even though he'll likely see it.

Would someone be willing to let me PM them his email, just to give me their impression? I feel weird posting it here and don't want to risk getting attacked. (I did ask a good friend, who said it seemed very polite and clear.)

Thanks for the kind and understanding words, Lost. This does seem to bring out childhood/abandonment stuff for me. I don't know that Dr. T would understand that. Though he's understood similar things before.

My pleasure. Feel free to PM, if you'd like.

Thanks, Lost. May still do so in a bit. I did send him a follow-up, and his reply made me feel a bit better. At least I no longer am tempted to just cancel tomorrow.

It seems you have very strong reactions to reminders that you are a client rather than friend/other.

Yep, you are correct in that. I know the reality (if nothing else, the invoices and credit card bill remind me)--I just don't like when a therapist reminds me of that.

ETA: I think it becomes more difficult for me, too, when a T blurs the lines a bit, like how Dr. T has been disclosing a lot more since the pandemic started.

This sounds really stressful! I’m glad you were allowed to reject that one so you could catch your breath. I do 10hr shifts at a crisis center, and we take calls from both our own crisis line and the suicide hotline. Sometimes it feels intense because at the end of one call you get like 90 secs to document and then you’re expected to take another call (although sometimes there is a break and nothing goes to your line for a few minutes if there are people ahead of you in the queue).

I don’t think I could manage all those chats though—that sounds like a lot to keep track of. It’s impressive you’re able to do that.

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You can send to me if you’d like!

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Do you know why you are happier with an illusion or fantasy? I mean, not that you need to tell me or anything -I just wondered if you knew the reason -not that I was trying to get you to reveal the reason or anything like that.

I have therapy tonight with Julieanne. Not really sure yet what I am going to bring up to talk about. I'm having some SH urges but they aren't terrible plus I "gave that up" for Lent anyhow. I told her one thing on email which would be good to discuss it's just hard because we are on telehealth and my internet/phone service is not good in my room and is only really good in the common areas of my house. My parents usually sit in the other room and watch TV while I have my call but I know they can hear what I say. Julieanne said we did need to work on getting me some more privacy for my phone calls. I hate when I don't know what I am going to talk about. I guess that means I am coping okay.

This morning I felt like I didn't sleep at all last night, but I must have because I remember a dream. In the dream I'm 3 completely separate people.... how's that for an obvious dream haha, all day at work yesterday I felt like I needed to be 3 different people!

You won't be seeing Visa, then, with her credit card sign right on the front of her desk. I've grown to like it, actually--it means that it is highly unlikely that we will get bogged down into some stupid annoying conversation about The Relationship as would happen with Info.

Visa claims that she used to have a chair directly across the desk from her, pre-COVID. Didn't sound like she's bringing it back, she's happy with the 6-7 feet between her and the couch the client sits on.

It's something I would need to think about.

It's spring break and I decided to go to a lodge upstate that I've visited before and hike the area for a few days. I thought it would be good to get away from everything.

This turned out to be a Bad Idea. It just made me feel worse (hence the useless hotline chat).

But man, the past few days were completely 10000% miserable, and I think I freaked Visa out by writing her and asking if she had any time slots open this week for an emergency session.

Anyway, I'm driving back tomorrow and having dinner with a friend.

HUGS atisketatasket if wanted. Kit

Hugs if wanted, atisketatasket.