[shame]

i totally wasted the session today .. was totally dissociated - could not feel any emotion. i talked but little - she stared at me - i was not there.. gone.
this went on most of the session .. i dont even remember what she said .. or what i said. . total waste of time and money .
she said something about reversing emotions...for whatever that means .. it is all i remember.
one hour .. every week....she asks me to write during the week .... email it to her ..so she can read it before i come in ... she didnt read the 2 short ones i sent during the week.. so .. why bother writing?
was weird because what i did write .. it took me a long time to recall what was written.
so i feel like the session was totally wasted.
my eye caught her phone and something on her desk and i couldnt get my eyes off it - just stared at it until i drifted away.
couldnt answer questions at all.
just wasnt a good session at all..

[MissCharlotte]

(((((((Free1))))))

It sounds like a very painful session. It is so hard to stay present when we feel the pressure to. It is even more difficult when we feel rejected like you must have when you realized she didn't even read the e-mails you sent. I think the session has value even if we think it's a waste. Look how much you noticed about your own behavior? Can you think of anything she said that might have triggered your dissociation?

Lots of hugs.

Peace

[Perna]

None of it is wasted. That is why therapy can be so long. There are lots of views of us, lots of feelings and non-feelings to experiences and it all goes together to form a better picture of us. We have to get in touch and be familiar with all those aspects of ourselves.

{{{Free1}}}

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Free1 said:
i dont even remember what she said .. or what i said. . total waste of time and money

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">When you dissociate like that, afterwards, can you ask her to tell you what happened at the session? That way at least you can learn what you two talked about. That does sound very frustrating. Does she have some techniques to help keep you from dissociating? Can you give her a signal that it is happening so she can take action to draw you back?

[shame]

sister - thanks for you reply ~ it wasnt painful .. because i wasnt feeling anything at all.
She did hhand me the emails and wanted me to read them ..
i couldnt do that .. glanced at it and handed it back to her.
She didnt trigger me - i was dissociated when i came in ..
i was triggered the night before by a person that for some reason affects me so much i dissociate. i woke up dissociated. something about that person i just cannot talk to her - look at her and hardly think about her..because for a few days afterward .... i am just not there..

[shame]

Perna - thanks for your reply - but how do you get anything out of non verbal sessions - or no feelings sessions?
i felt nothing in her office. it was surreal - for the most part she just watch me stare off into no where..how can anyone get anything out of that?

[shame]

sunride - thanks for your reply~
no there are no signals or plans to draw me back..
when i dissociate - i cannot take in information.. it just wont retain.
just out there.

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Free1 said:
sunride - thanks for your reply~
no there are no signals or plans to draw me back..
when i dissociate - i cannot take in information.. it just wont retain.
just out there.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Hi Freewill, I mean after you are "back", can you ask your T what just happened? And what the two of you talked about while you were "gone"? Because it did seem like you said there was conversation when you were gone--but then you told Perna it was non-verbal, so I'm not sure. I have dissociated a couple of times in session, and T has told me what went on when I was gone. It was strange to hear what happened but helped me too to have someone else "fill in the gap."

[Perna]

There's nothing to get, it just is. It is part of one's experience like feeling gloomy on a rainy day (like today :-) "Rainy days and Mondays always get me down" is information; not everyone responds that way.

Sounds like you have figured out that a particular person triggers this state in you. That too is good information about yourself. Now you can explore that further and "experiment" and learn what's going on and perhaps figure out how to change it so it does not happen (if you do not want it to happen) or avoid the person, etc. I'd say that was potentially very "productive"?

[shame]

i would like to know what it is about that person that automatically puts me in another mode - another state all together ... have no idea wht it is but omg i cant be around her. .it is so intense.
i avoid that person as much as i can - it is that i picked up the phone and there she was - and away i went.
i think it is more productive in therapy if i can hear and understand her .. other wise.. just feels like a waste..for me .. may not be for my t cuz she can see what it does to me.