Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Dear T. Thanks for texting with me last night. And for being amazing! Crap. I think I love you! xoxo Kit

This powerless place is so hard to inhabit.

Coward .

How do you tell your therapist you lost your sex drive after your surgery last October and its been super frustrating? I don't want her to think I'm trying to get turned on by her. I also think I lost some of my sense of taste and that may be partially the cause of the food issue. I always say I hate food and its like I don't know, maybe I just can't really taste much. I've been going off of texture lately.

I lost my sex drive after my pdoc put me on Prozac. It was so hard telling her. But I did, and she changed my meds. Sex can be a very important part of life. If you are struggling with it, your T should be open to talking about it.

Dear E: Thank you for writing back, even though I am seeing you tomorrow. You kind of are the best.

Dear T. I don't know why I really want to talk to you right now. I hope you are up for our Saturday session but if you aren't feeling well I will understand! xoxoxo Kit

Dear T, you see? My faith in you was justified, the hours have been granted. You were doubting yourself without cause. I'd like to write you, just to ensure you know, in case you are wondering. But I guess even if you are wondering, your thoughts probably don't revolve solely around that. I'd rather give you space to enjoy your vacation. Take care!

Coward .

Coward .

Dear T. I don't understand your text. I sent you a text saying Anxiety! Anxiety! Anxiety! And you respond with No!!!!! and then Ok. Anxiety. How is that supposed to help me? xoxo Kit

Dear Pdoc. Did you get my fax? I hope you are ready for me next week! Kit

OMG, E. I can not believe I wrote you that. I have never felt so vulnerable or ashamed. I am so sorry. Well, I will wait in anxious terror for your response!

Three more sleeps.
It'll be strange to have a session talking about work, and partly talking about personal stuff. I think the two things are usually more separate.

Dear K,
I'm missing you a lot tonight. Is it because I saw the moon? I haven't seen it for ages, it seems. And then I saw this quote...
"If you miss someone, tell them. If you love someone, show it. Life's too short to keep your feelings inside"

You were always so big on being able to express feelings....
I wonder if I will send it to you.

I don't know what I need right now.

Whew. Thanks for writing back, E. It sort of calmed me down. I still think it is way over the top. I don’t know. I have a feeling this email conversation isn’t over, but also, how can I email you again! Maybe I won’t. Show I can get through 2 weeks without bothering you.

Well, that didn't last long. Now I am even MORE nervous about your response. Ugh, what is wrong with me?!

Whats with the sudden switching our session to another day thing? I thought I told you Tuesdays were not good at all and now I found out I have a session on Tuesday when I have a much more important appointment. I emailed you and told you I needed to cancel. Its not that big of a deal I guess but I did want to go over things before I'm just thrown into this consultation with you and this other therapist so we can be on the same page. Unless we aren't on the same page that is

Sorry for that whole email and then phone confusion. I thought the 15th was on Wednesday but its on Friday. I haven't heard back from you but I succesfully cancelled tommrow with the receptionist and shes going to have you tell me whats going on with our regular time slot since I always thought it was Wednesday. I think its my fault to be honest. I swear I'm having mini strokes or something. My doctor did say I was at an increased risk for them. I think I even smelled something burning the other day. But yeah I've just been really confused lately and trying to keep track of all my appointments this week has been a mess.

Dear T,
I miss you. I imagine walking by your office to see R today might intensify that. I do hope you're having fun and relaxing though. I wonder if you're at the beach?
Love,
LT

Now I'm not even sure you will be at this consultation on Friday or if I'm just meeting with her. Please email me soon because I am so confused.

I truly think I'm the one going insane. I'm just not sure whats the cause of it. As for the eating part of things, if I eat what I want to eat instead of some forced diet food log thing that you come up with that involves a ton of strange things I don't want to eat, the less of a problem we'll have overall.

Dear R,
That was a very insightful session! Glad we'll be talking Wednesday, too, as it felt very "to be continued." I'm wondering if Dr. T would be willing to actually talk about some of that? Maybe if I said it came up with you, he'd be more willing to address it? Perhaps that's something we can talk about Wednesday.
--LT

I feel like I'm living in a land of deep inhales and long exhales, all in an effort to ward off unfathomable levels of anxiety.

Nothing new has happened, but these moments keep coming.

Dear T,
Well, apparently you're still alive, as you sent me invoices a bit ago. So, I don't need to do a "still alive?" check yet. R was helpful today. I'm wondering if you'll be willing to further discuss some of what she and I talked about? I mean, I'm sure you'll listen to me share it, but are you willing to actually kind of dig into it? I know you don't really deal in transference stuff, but I feel like R connected a few dots today. Maybe we can discuss some of those insights in a way that works for both of us?

And so silly that I started to instinctively look for your SUV (like you'd suggested I do) when I pulled into the parking lot today. I mean, duh, of course it won't be there, you're away, and I'm seeing your backup. (If it *was* there and you were actually in the office, working, then...we'd have other issues!)

Love,
LT