Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Fu*k you for doing this to me. Seriously, you couldn't shoot me a quick email after being gone without notice for 4 weeks? Nobody still breathing is THAT sick.

So I realized my head is not quiet and I don't want meds. If I could I would skip them. It's not fair I can't be myself without threat of hospitalization. I'm going to skip my injection next week. I see you the day after so can't be that bad right? Missing 2 days while I talk to you about it isn't going to hurt me that much.

I can make our in person session this afternoon. I'm just a bit lightheaded from the procedure but its not a big deal.

I'm planning ahead this week for thursday night's drum circle, and just chose my object hoping we do the same thing we did the last couple weeks. It's something you gave me at some point along the line. I still have 3 of the 4 of the little objects you gave me over the 10+ years (except the piece of palo santo because after using it for smudging lots of times it got lost somewhere. I think I must have left it in my previous backyard). 2 of them live on my work desk, the other on one of my office shelves. Oh, and I still have that one sand tray picture in a frame on my desk, you know which one. I love looking at it, especially when I'm having a bad day, and feeling the magic that particular scene still evokes.

Dear T,
I wish I felt I could email you right now. Not anything to do with session today or with you at all. But about something H said to D tonight. And then my reaction and his response. I just feel like "shut up" is among the things that are never OK to say to someone (barring some sort of true emergency). Maybe you'd disagree? No, I think you'd be bothered by this, too, from discussions we've had before.

Plus now I'm worried he has Covid because of his throat, even though we both tested negative earlier today (I can test again before Friday's session). Hoping it's just his "usual spring cold" or allergies. Or the awful air quality today.

Wish I could talk to you now. But we'll talk Friday. Hopefully in person (see above).

Love,
LT

You're getting really good at this L. You are learning my patterns. I guess I'm learning my patterns too! I'm still angry with you, but my heart is also softened towards you. I love you. And I'm glad we're a team.

Talking about trauma is hard. I really wonder what you think about me.

Thank you for your support yesterday.
Is it weird that I'm grateful you turned your phone off for our session?

You told me that you wouldn’t be checking emails or phone whilst you were away as you would not be working at all, so I mentally prepared myself to have no contact with you for a fortnight. But then you text me yesterday about next Friday, so you are in fact working you just didn’t want to see me. I reluctantly replied and then…..nothing. No response, nada. Cue all my rejection issues. Why are you f***ing with my head?? Why didn’t you just wait until Monday to contact me? I feel like I’m done with therapy, it seems to just make things worse for people with abandonment and attachment issues. But I’m so addicted to you, I’m not sure I have the strength to walk away. Really feel like I hate you right now. I’m tired and just don’t have the strength anymore. What is the point in living this life?

i was thinking the other day again. how i used to always say "part of me wants x, part of me wants y". I never got to talk about this with you. But I think, I think, every time I say that, it's like, yet another way of not accepting/not owning parts of myself. Even though I say "part of me" - if it's not all of me, then I'm not accepting it, I'm not whole. There's an unsaid in there that goes something like this: "The part of me that I refuse to acknowledge wants x, but the part of me that I do acknowledge that is afraid of living wants y."

I'm going to focus on not saying the 'part of me' thing anymore. Instead I am choosing to say "I want one of two things: x or y and I am working it out." I am tired of not being whole. My goal for turning 60 is to do so in wholeness. It is what we were working for, for so long.

Pdocs office was empty the whole time I was there. T's office is always empty no matter the time of day to the point I joked with her it felt like a fake bussiness which she found really funny. I didn't realize people liked telehealth so much though and so many therapists still did it. Mine is mostly remote for the summer but I'm one of her in person clients.

That is really inspiring, Artie!

Hey Artie: Please feel free to ignore/tell me to never respond to your posts.

What I’ve started working on in the last month is “part work.” EVERYBODY has different parts. It’s a human thing. The type of therapy that works w parts is called Internal Family Systems (IFS)- and it’s whole objective is to uncover and unburden all these different parts of you. Each one is protecting something inside of you.

Just a recent example: My T asked if I thought I should dive deep into the trauma work (not a good idea), and I was like “part of me wants to, and part of me doesn’t.” Instead of thinking I am less than whole bc I have these conflicting parts, she becomes curious about them.

ANYWAY, I am rambling. If any of this seems to be of interest to you, I recommend the book “No Bad Parts.” It is by the author (who’s name escapes me) who created IFS.

Sorry if this is intrusive in any way.

E; Whew. Intense. But I think you are the perfect person for me to work on this with. I will always be forever grateful that I met you when/how I did, and are able to continue our work together.

not intrusive at all. thank you for the info. i think in my bumbling-around-thinking-through-my-fingers I'm sorta saying the same thing, only in a just barely beginning to understand it kind of a way. what you're saying makes perfect sense and feels like my rudimentary beginnings of understanding are on the same road, just my thoughts are at the very beginning of that road, like, barely just turned onto that road, instead of partway down it. if that makes any sense. I appreciate you.

Of course!

Three more sleeps.
'It's been a long time since I've felt the bracing....'

I'm not sure what happened last session, but you suddenly don't feel safe and I don't know how to say this to you so that we can move past it. I know we will move past it because our bond is strong, but I don't know how.

I told you that my doctor told me that making life style changes wouldn't lower my blood level at all. You said "wow really? Most of the time they tell you to do that." Well, um....

I hope this is your worst holiday ever.

I'm really worried about him.

It was really nice to wake up and see that.

Trying so hard to breathe through it.
I feel like I need to cry, but I don't know how to get there.
On top of everything else, I feel restless.
See you on Tuesday.

... And on a related note, why do your holidays pass x10 slower than normal time?