Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Liar .

You can go back if you want. You might be putting barriers in your own way, but that's simply part of your process. To have choice and control taken away is very different. Don't make your experience more painful than it needs to be, there's no point in being a martyr.

I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to be a martyr. There was more that I didn't share on here, things that she had said, that left me hurting and never got talked out and are the reason why I feel like I actually can't go back.

There's no need to apologise. Feeling that you can't go back and actually not having the option of going back are very different positions though. Sometimes, going back even if we feel unwelcome is a good way to start working with our feeling of not belonging. None of this is easy or warm and cosy, I do get that.

How is it possible to feel so incredibly alone with something?
Unlike other situations I've been in, nobody's going to tell me when this is over.

It's really difficult for me when I share something deeply personal with you, and the result is you pulling away from me.

I mean I'm no writer and I'm sure it was awkward to read, but still....ouch.

I don't know how you are going to respond on Wednesday about the email I sent you. The one where I said I was restricting food real bad and weighing myself 5 times a day. I know I have that consultation in a couple weeks. People, myself included get confused if its an eating disorder or not because eating does seem to make me physically sick. Also a lot of my eating patterns also overlap with my autism. This new med isn't helping me regain my hunger either. So I hope you don't get too pissed on Wednesday. You've gotten pissed at me before. You certainly arent a blank slate therapist.

I think suboptimal is the word, considering the position I'm in at the moment.
I find it hard to believe that you actually suggested skipping a session, but I think that's acknowledgement of how much difficulty you know I have working virtually.

This is pressing on things that I am not going to be able to talk about comfortably over Zoom.

I hope they fix your car, for your sake, but also for mine.

Please don't leave me!

I know you think everything is food related but its not. And I know you always focus on food each session but theres a lot of other stuff going on. But I pushed myself on my own today and did something I didn't even know about it until last night. But I kinda feel like you are so laser focused on the possible ED that I am kind of on my own with the other stuff.

I missed my transference T last night but once I got under my weighted blanket the thoughts went away. I wish I knew what I missed so much about her. I wonder how I'll feel if my current T terminates me.

Despite my extreme nervousness I hope you really are back in a week. There's A LOT to work out.

At the risk of sounding big headed, I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person, so it actually astounds me why it takes me so long to 'get' some of these things you know! I was feeling frustrated and disappointed at the end of today's session because, while I told you a lot (for me!), I got to the point of being totally discombobulated, and having to stop and just let my brain rest for a while. To try and piece together what had been said. It was like I said it, but I didn't say it, and I certainly didn't feel it. You asked me several times today about feelings, but there was nothing there. It was as if I had become cut off again from my body, and that, coupled with the fact that we are covering stuff I had covered in some depth with K, let to my frustration and disappointment. What's the point if I go to the disconnected place?

Well blow me down, as you were saying whatever it was you were saying (I wasn't listening!) It suddenly came to me in a flash. Maybe it's ok that I go to that place sometimes. Maybe sometime things just need to be said and it's too much for me to both say and feel at the same time. Maybe that's just my way of dealing with things. Of managing things. That doesn't mean I'm never going to feel anything again. That doesn't mean we aren't making progress. That doesn't mean I have taken a step backwards. Not necessarily, anyway! How has it taken me so long to realise this??

Thank you for finding that email address for me.
Even if they have to escalate it to the national org, I still think they should know.
Especially if it's still available.

A year ago today is the day I met with my bigot therapist for the first time. I could tell she was hesitant to work with me the second we met but I wasn't sure why or if I was imagining it. Now tommorow I'll see what my fate is like with my current therapist. Maybe it won't be that big of a deal.

Dear T,
I was worried about addressing some of that so close to your vacation, but you were good today. Seemed like you were genuinely trying to understand. And the discussion at the beginning about finding more parent friends who have kids with special needs was a good one as well--thanks for bringing that up. Your compassion during that made me feel better about bringing up the other stuff.

Love,
LT

My bigot therapist is just an annoyance. There was no connection between us. Same with the unprofessional one before her my pdoc claims tramatized me. But why do I still think of my transference T so much. I wish I could ****ing let her go. Maybe I'm worried my current T is going to switch me but I don't think I'll have an issue besides the fact that she basically lied. Then again I thought it would be a breeze transfering therapists after my transference one and that certainly went the other way.

Dear T,

I am enjoying writing my therapy diary. Well, enjoy might not be the right word. Glad? Glad I'm writing it. I think it is good for me. To help me share those extra bits with you and to help me see the journey I am on. I wish I had started years ago, but hey, better late than never!

I wonder whether there's an element of hiding happening today? It sure felt like it. As I came in I only perched on the edge of the chair, facing away from you, and even when I had sat back after you closed your eyes, the first words I wrote were "I don't seem to want to share today".

I wonder if it has anything to do with what you said last week. About showing my Teenage One that kindness and compassion. I wonder whether you took a tentative step into my world by saying that and I wonder whether I am cautiously putting the barriers back up again. Each of us testing the waters, so to speak.

You said something interesting today. Well, my response to it was interesting, to me. You said that the dynamic in the room is different each week, because of me and because of my work schedule, but also because you are in the room and because you are different each week.

That last bit completely confused me. Thing is, you don't seem to exist to me a lot of the time. I know that might not make any sense, but it's how it feels to me. I don't register you as being the same, or different, because I barely register you at all, I don't think.

Maybe that's worth exploring.

Dear T,
I seriously hate my brain. Why am I even thinking about this? You could be off for any number of reasons tomorrow, none of which have anything to do with your health.

I'm sure it's partly related to your telling me a couple weeks ago that you just had the blood work for your overdue physical. So suddenly my brain is going to "Wait, what if some number was off and you're having some additional testing done tomorrow, like what if they suspect cancer or something? And, oh, perhaps that's the actual reason your wife is insisting you do virtual and it's not about your vacation at all, or maybe it's because it could potentially be your last vacation, just in case it's bad news?"

Which I know is all completely ridiculous and pointless to worry about without any concrete reason to think that. Why is this in my mind at all? (Rather than, say, worrying about whether something will happen to you on vacation, which is my usual concern. Such as a car accident because you used that as an example yesterday of why you could theoretically have to cancel a session at the last minute vs. just switching to virtual.)

And then the glaringly obvious reason occurred to me: *I'm* having blood work done later this morning after an overdue physical, followed by an only slightly overdue mammogram next week. Is this actually fear about myself, but it's easier for me to cope with in a way to displace it onto you? Like "What if something serious is wrong with you" when it's truly, "What if something is seriously wrong with *me*?"

I mean, i worry about you, too, and hope you're OK. But with the timing (especially since I've known you were off Wednesday since last week), I suspect the true fear in this moment is actually about my own health.

Love,
LT

I don't think you are going to be too happy with me. I look way too thin because I had to wear shorts and a t shirt today. I've barely eaten since 11AM yesterday. And I'm so tired to the point I can't function at this moment. I'm trying to take a nap on the couch before we meet so I'm at least semi alert at our session.

One step forward and two steps back..

Where does that leave us?

Yeah I was looking at your fancy expensive Coach purse while you were putting stuff into. Don't people buy those purses in general to show them off? Even though that probably wasn't your intention. I just mean it as a compliment honestly.

So now instead of Monday it's Thursday...which I'll believe when I get the for sure go-ahead.

I don't understand why you might be calling clients on Wednesday. If you don't call me I'll be upset and anxious. If you do call me I probably won't answer. I want to talk with you in session, not on the phone.

Dear T. Please respond to my text, which is my response to your text. Ugh. This is why I hate communicating like this!!!! xoxoxo hope you get better soon, Kit

Just a different perspective: my family saves up and buys coach purses not because we want to show them off, but because they last longer than Walmart/Target purses. And coach products are not top of the line products. They're great, but not like Louis Vuitton or others.