Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Sometimes when it rains and I'm sitting quietly watching the light show in the sky not really thinking about anything in particular, that old fantasy comes 'round to visit, where I used to imagine just sitting with you and watching a storm... laying my head on your shoulder... such a peaceful bit of fantasy, and my heart feels a little bit of that old longing, and I miss what we were in the before.

T,

I feel terrible when I feel so angry towards you. I know why I'm angry but I thought we repaired that. I guess nope.

I'm struggling T. I wish you weren't going away again. I need you. I don't know how to deal with this on my own.

Dear T,

You said I could text you (sparingly) while you’re on vacation but I’m not texting you, I’m not texting you.
You are SO lenient! I appreciate it!
But I need to learn to function without you.
Yet, it kinda feels like I’m in withdrawal…
I think I may text sometimes bc I am lonely.

Have a good, restful vacation, T!

My mom said my pdoc probably won't even notice my weight loss. I can always just blame it on muscle or fat distrbution though. Its not even really his meds that are causing the loss of appetite and therefore making it easier to diet and lose weight. Its my stomach med that my gastro doctor prescribed. But after our last session where he got pissed at me I'm not sure what to expect. Maybe he won't care and he'll just be glad the Prestiq is working out. Idk.

I know that the rain is a good thing but I rather wish it would wait til I'm asleep because it has been making me miss you and wishing that I felt like I could call you even just to say 'hi'. I miss you, dammit.

Dear T,

Ugh, really stressing about D's positive test. I really wish I could still see you in person this week, but obviously I can't. Sorry for the longer email--I should have just said the basics without the second paragraph. I guess it's good we didn't assume it was allergies. Just worried about the effect on vacation and...well, everything. And D is crying instead of sleeping because she doesn't want to be stuck at home.

And of course I'm worrying this was somehow my fault...especially if it gets my parents or MIL sick or ruins the vacation.

Bet you'll be like, "Well, I made the right decision about the handshake!" Sigh...probably pointless to talk about that now.

Love,
LT

Hi R,

Thank you for understanding why I emailed, and saying that you'll be thinking of me.
I like that turn of phrase 'Ignite that reassuring voice'...so important for me to do, and yet it's the remembering to do it.

Look forward to seeing you in 10 days' time.

T, I miss you. I know I’ll see you in two days, and it hasn’t really been all that long. But I miss you.

Maternity leave officially over. First time back in work this evening. I'm sick at the thought of it, trying everything to cope but I just feel worse the closer it gets.

Dear E: Sorry for writing you again. I’m just feeling so bad. Sad and really depressed. All I want to do is sleep, and can’t, because, work. I hope you aren’t bothered I wrote again.

Dear T,
I think that was a good discussion today about both the handshakes and R. It helps to know that you just, in general, see handshakes differently, but that you also understand my perspective. I do think much of it might come down to a predictable ending, that's there no matter what we talk about. So maybe it would help if we could figure out some sort of ritual for that (once I can see you in person again!) that we both feel comfortable with. And then hopefully, at some point, resume handshakes.

I'm also glad that you seem to understand about R. I'm not sure why it didn't occur to me until I was talking to you today, but I do wonder if part of it is that she's female.

And thanks for the empathy about D.

Love,
LT

T,
I paid it even though it’s too much because I don’t feel like going back and forth. Probably not a great decision. Also T all my pathetic “you were gone” talk really doesn’t matter. Therapy, medication to make the intolerable manageable is still messed up. Jerk, I was doing alright before.

Two significant events have happened for me recently, things we anticipated and about which we often spoke. Ordinarily, I would have shared then with you. You would have understood me. Instead, you are gone and I have kept quiet. It's so easy to see how I could fully retreat into myself again. I am working at trying to keep a connection to a few people, but it's not natural or easy. Why am I even saying this to you? You don't give a flying £uck. What happened? Liar. Coward. Where are you? I hate you. Liar. Liar. Liar.

You are like constantly in my thoughts today and yesterday. Why? I hope you're not sick or something.

Dear T: Oh where are you when I need you? Why are you so far away? I know, I just talked to you yesterday, and I will talk to you tomorrow, but I need you now. In the middle. Kit

E, I am spiraling.

Oh wow, well that was a dream we should probably discuss, but right now I have absolutely no idea where to start with it.

Thanks for the email reply and that you didn't get mad that I sent one on Friday and also one yesterday afternoon. You just said thank you for both my emails and that you apologize for the delay in responding. I did legit want feedback about something but I also thought you were annoyed at me for not bringing up the issue I emailed you about on friday, during our session. But you werent.

I wish I was there with you T. I can't do this. I can't sort this out. The grief is so massive too. I wish I had your life. Anything but this.

Why is this so damn hard? I desperately want to be able to talk about it. I desperately want to be able to explain. I desperately want to be able to 'let you in' but I can't. I just can't. I try so freaking hard and yet the progress seems to be infinitesimally small. All I can manage is a diagram which makes no sense to anyone except me and a few measly words which really give you nothing to go on. I don't understand why my brain doesn't work. (actually, having read that book I now DO understand why, but sadly that doesn't help me make it work) I was really, really trying and yet I simply cannot do it. Hence the tears. I just needed to stop.

And yes, you are right, we should probably keep going with the anger theme

I am so tired. I feel like I just want to cry and cry but I can't because I am at work.

Dear T: I want you now. Not tonight. Now. But I must wait patiently. Tonight will come quickly. It will be okay. I will be okay. Hug xoxoxo Kit

Dear T I really need to get ahold of you. I can't wait until our session on Thursday. My specialist appointment about my hand did not go well and im feeling depressed about it.