Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Liar .

Liar .

Liar .

I met a friend today I hadn't seen since before I was pregnant. When she saw me she said.."oh, you used to be so slim when I first met you!"

I wanted to run as hide somewhere. But instead I comfort ate a giant piece of cake. FFS I am a disgusting idiot.

You're not disgusting. Your body literally grew a baby. Your worth is not determined by your weight or size.

Thanks I guess for finally responding to that email even though it was pretty phoned in and you only answered one of my questions and only responded to the other stuff with "we'll talk about your concerns at our next session". My stomach is on fire today and I am not restricting on purpose. I'd actually really like some tex mex food right now but I can't handle it So idk. I know theres disordered stuff going on but thats not all thats going on.

Dear T: Thank you for my birthday card and for the very sweet, kind note you put in it. It meant a lot and it touched my heart. Thank you. xoxoxo Kit

Too. Much. Pain.

Happy birthday SlumberKitty!

Lostandlost: you're far from a 'disgusting idiot'. On the other hand, what kind of 'friend' would be so rude and hurtful. Shame on them...

Dear T,
So now they've left, and I feel this weird sadness/emptiness/loneliness sort of feeling? I desperately wanted space, now I have it, and it's like "Maybe I should just go home tonight instead of tomorrow." I wonder if it's because yesterday afternoon/evening went well, and we all mostly seemed to be enjoying ourselves? When I'd be feeling differently had they left yesterday morning? Or perhaps I'm just tired....and lacking a plan for this afternoon/evening. I did spend some time on the beach, which was nice.

Am I just supposed to assume your thumbs-up meant you switched me to the new time? Usually you at least say "confirmed" or "I made the change" or something?

I guess maybe I sort of miss you, too. Since I talked to you here, it was sort of like you were here in a way yesterday. I know I'll see you tomorrow, but I still sort of wish I could talk to you now. I don't even know why...

Love,
LT

That friend sounds very insensitive. I’m sorry.

Dear A: Thank you for the reply. I will try to show up tonight. I did do the homework.

Stop ****ing telling me to eat all the time. I just cant. I ate lunch today and I am in so much stomach pain 2 advil pepto bismol a heating pad and my prescrption pain meds arent working. I'm sorry your image of a normal size person is messed up because you yourself are so huge. But I get ****ing medically sick whenever I eat. Please stay in your therapy lane and don't try to be some medical guru.

Dear T,
Aw, that was a nice little exchange. You seemed a little playful there, too. Maybe you could tell I was looking for some sort of connection.

Love,
LT

Aww, A. Here I was worried that you wouldn't respond (and you did), but that you were sick with Covid this whole time! I'm so sorry. I hate my brain most of the time.

What a fun and relaxing drum circle tonight, L, wish you'd been on there! I really like this core group of folks that attend most every week. I feel like I'm really getting to know and love them and think it would be so lovely to meet them in person, but we're all so spread out geographically, not sure that will ever happen! I'm so grateful that zoom is a thing. Y'know I just realized something. This should give me more hope in humanity than I've been having lately. That even in the midst of a global pandemic, the people who need to find each other and gather figured out a way to do it by using technology! Yes we have our faults, but as a whole, humanity is amazing and resourceful and full of good. I love my shamanic friends with all my heart and tonight especially I am feeling very blessed to have them.

Oh yeah and! Monday I'm going to lunch for my birthday with 2 of my friends from work, it's been too long since we've seen each other in person! I mean we 'talk' every work day on our work chat, but we haven't gotten together in forever and I miss seeing them. We don't even have an office location here anymore, which is weird - it closed awhile back because so many people stayed work at home after they opened the office back up - so there's not even the opportunity to go in for meetings to see each other anymore.


p.s. I really hope that you will text me a birthday wish but I'm already trying my hardest to not be disappointed if/when you don't. There's really no reason for you to even remember my birthday anyway, let alone get in touch, except this is a big one for me, turning 60. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't want you to.

So if you’re not willing to gently push me to talk about the stuff that makes me feel ashamed, embarrassed and awkward, even though I’ve specifically asked you to sensitively keep asking questions so I can try to engage rather than avoid, then how does this stuff ever get talked about? I took a risk and asked for your help. You refused. This is why I don’t ever ask for what I need. There is just no point. Well done on reinforcing the point that my needs don’t matter. I won’t be asking for anything again.
And I changed my mind about the voicemail because I’m sick of you not delivering on the stuff you say you’re going to do. I would rather take back the control and say I don’t want it than be reliant on you to provide it and risk disappointment again when another week passes and you haven’t done it. It’s just a reminder that I’m completely unimportant and worthless.
And no, your stupid quote didn’t help. Thinking about what I’ve survived doesn’t make me realise I am strong and can survive again, because every day I wish I hadn’t f***ing survived.

I picked up a bunch of fruits and vegetables today. Not because of you and your repetitve food lists you give me. But because I'm scared of setting my stomach off like I did yesterday so I needed some healthy clean eating foods. I turned down an offer to go out to breakfast and I really wanted to go but I knew I couldn't handle it physically. It had nothing to do with restricting.

It is another Friday between 1-2 pm so of course what am I doing? Thinking about you and the therapy relationship. I miss it, yet at the same time, know it still exists inside me as I still 'talk' to you in my head almost every night. I suppose that's part of what makes me wonder if we left something unfinished after all. I just couldn't do it anymore, not after what you said on the phone that day, and.... aw hell... maybe that's what's unfinished. That I didn't TELL you how what you said made me feel; that among all of the other assorted reasons I had to leave that I DID tell you, that was the one that tipped the scales.

You are the same age as me. Which means you are also 11 years younger then transference T. But I think of you two as being the same age. Honestly I think my surgery last October killed my sex drive and no matter what it wont come back. So switch me to whoever you want to.

Dear T,
What if your wife and son vote to have you do virtual until Covid goes away (which likely will be never)? If I wasn't meeting with you (virtually) Sunday, I'd probably be sending you an email. But it's Friday night, I'll just wait.

I just feel ashamed that I reacted so strongly to it. And I felt I didn't really give a good explanation of why in-person is so important to me. Though I'm glad you said how it probably felt like you were pulling back with virtual, then pulling back more with your vacation.

I am glad I saw you in person today (I was debating doing virtual after the drive), and thanks for the new stone. I'm sure I have the other one somewhere in my purse--it's just really little! I wanted to come up with other things that could have helped during the vacation, but thought I had another week to think about it. (Well, I guess one thing I'd considered you still could have done virtually, but still...)

Also glad I'm talking to you Sunday, so I can bring up that thing that's on my mind now regarding your wife and son making decisions on future sessions. I guess I want some reassurance that's ultimately your decision and not a true democracy. Or if it's a true democracy, then maybe your clients and their wishes are at least some small voting bloc in it?

Love,
LT

Learn to read the room. Don't tell your unemployed client who has a crap ton of medical bills and more on the way to "just go to Starbucks."

L,
Thank you so much for sticking it out with me. Thank you for accepting all of me: the secret, my child parts, my adult parts, all my needs and wants, all my feelings, and my transference, attachment, and dependency. Imo, that's a lot to hold. I have problems holding it all. Thank you for today. Thank you for all the reassurances and the personal examples. Your normalizing helps so much.

I feel so much better after session today. Like a weights been lifted. My fears have finally lessened. The crying helped a lot too! It was a big relief. I like crying with you. I like being vulnerable. It's very cathartic. I want to do more emotional tunnel work with you. I feels good.

Thank you L! I love you so much.

Dear T,
I just feel sad about this. I know it's only for a week, but then you're away for another week (at least I can see R in person then?) And I'm concerned about it lasting longer.

I had these dreams about you last night where you called me by some other (fictional) client's name, "Rachel Hell," plus mistakenly sent a response to their email to me, in which you said they were "screaming." Is that actually a side of me, that wants to be screaming at you about this (and some other recent stuff), but the "good girl" part of me holds it in and just cries instead?

Love
LT

I'm going through a bout of feeling alone with the experience I'm living in at the moment.
At least on some level I'm used to going through things that are hard to talk about.
This is just another layer of pain, and something else that I can't control.