Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Two more sleeps.
I'm fine with shifting our time slightly, but very nervous about how that email landed with you. It's unlike you to leave an email like that unaddressed.

I suppose it's a conversation we will have on Thursday, whether I am ready for it or not.

(Spoiler alert: I don't feel like I'm ready.)

The doctors office called to set up my procedure and they want me to come in tommorow afternoon. So a few hours after our appointment. It will be interesting since the last time we met 2 weeks ago I just mentioned I had to do another blood test but I wasn't sure on the results. Now 2 weeks later I've done the test and gotten the results back and they show I need another procedure and that procedure is already set up and it happens to be a few hours after our session. I'm not sure how you'll react. I just hate when you give me that pity look. If you were my transference T I'd absolutely want you to be concerned about me. Now I'm not sure what I want you to feel. Basically I just want you to listen and acknowledge my concerns and anxiety. Not necessairly be concerned about me.

Omg, I can’t believe i’m going in on Thursday. Is this the right decision? An expensive one to get wrong.

I hope it was just thinking of you that made my heart do that funny flutter thing and not some other issue. It was weird though since I was thinking of one specfic moment with you but you don't normally turn me on. Maybe its just because I haven't seen you in 2 weeks. I know this is probably me just being silly because of the broken mirror yesterday, but I feel like you are going to have bad news for me today.

I feel really guilty for sending that email, but I know that it would have taken me most of the session to bring it up...if I even felt able to do so.

Given that you'd already text me, would it have been so difficult to write a sentence back? Something like 'I understand how that would have impacted you, and I apologise'?

Have you changed your policy on replying to my emails without bothering to tell me? Twice in a row now I’ve emailed and had no reply. Why the sudden change in boundaries? You’ve never not replied before. You absolutely know this would make me feel rejected and abandoned. You know it would cause a rupture. So why do it? If you’re going to change a boundary the least you could do is tell me. I’m exhausted by you. Is this really worth it?

I hurt you when I said that. I saw you hurting and you told me. Confirmation of what a nasty creature I am. I can't even remember exactly what I said, that's how flippant I am in my vileness.

E: I am so glad that I can still write you while I am there. I’m so scared.

Despair. That is all.

They kinda confirmed today that I've been feeling moody as a result of a medical issue. Which I guess is the reason I haven't been finding therapy all that helpful lately. Today we both agreed we talked about sheets for 3/4 of the session. It was a pretty pointless session and we didnt even meet last week. I left feeling the same way I came in. Mediocre.

I think being dumbstruck is different from handling it well.
Moving through it like a handicapped snail feels more appropriate.
I feel like I lost my 'shell' a long time ago.

I guess our session yesterday wasn't all that pointless. I did buy a tower fan and a couple cooling pillows and pillow cases and a cooling blanket. So I did take your advice. It cost me over $100 so I hope your suggestions really do help with my sleep. Maybe I'm just being a jerk, but I feel like its kind of insenstive to be telling your clients to be buying expensive stuff when they don't currently have a job. I don't know. Maybe thats just me though. I know I didn't have to buy it but I figured you knew what you were talking about.

Dear K,

I love you with a very special piece of my heart.

Dear T,

Thank you for understanding what I did the other day, or at least for not making it sound weird. Thank you for saying you were glad it 'went well', even though I would totally get it if you thought it wasn't quite 'right'. We've got some work to do, haven't we, but I must admit here, right now, today, it does at least feel like we might be able to take a couple of those tiny steps up that enormous hill. Just focussing on the here and now, the ground that is right in front of us.

L,
Thank you for the prayer. <3 It meant a lot to me. I hope you don't mind, but I shared it with my dad too. I love you L.

I've been thinking about my transference T these past few days and I'm like, will the thoughts about her ever 100% completely go away? I know my current therapy situation isn't perfect. But I do believe overall that shes helping me make more progress then my transference T and me were making. I just blur the lines sometimes.

Possible trigger warning......
I'm not sure why but I have this quite irrational fear of people all around me just dropping down dead rather suddenly. Not sure I'll ever bring this to sessions because I seem to be able to manage it quite well, and I have other with we need to do, but I am sometimes surprised at how many times I catch myself saying "it's ok, people don't normally or regularly just die every day"

If I can't explain, how can you help?
If I can't explain, I'm giving you a false impression of how I am.

Hey L, well, that was... comfortable and fun actually! After my initial surprise, during the Zoom thing last night. Thank you.

Well we avoided a rupture. Why didn’t you just put an out of office reply on your emails? I would have at least known then not to expect a reply and it would have saved us both a lot of hassle.
But thank you for hearing me out today and not pushing me to ‘do’ therapy. I needed a session of just talking random stuff that wasn’t directly about me and you obliged, which I wasn’t sure you would. It was a nice session and we laughed a lot. If only you would be so open and willing to tell me little things about you like that more often. And I liked that you asked me whether I would like to play a game of chess. I know I declined but I would really like to play some kind of game with you one day. But perhaps not chess as I don’t really remember how to play!

Today is not a therapy thinking day. Today is a focusing on my physical health day. I honestly don't even remember what I was thinking about that reminded me so much about my transference T. But whatever it was I snapped out of it.

I don't know what I need right now. Neither my silence nor my fluency when talking about it are indicators that I am doing well. I have to redefine my spirituality and my support system in Steve's absence.

Dear T,
It meant a lot that you shared that story, knowing you'd likely get emotional. Like I said, I've certainly been emotional in front of you enough times. But I get the sense you're someone who doesn't like to let people see your emotions. So it's meaningful you risked that with me. Maybe it shows some level of trust? Or just that you thought the story was worth the risk.

I'm thinking, too, about our discussion regarding handshakes. You said how my offers to sanitize and wear a mask showed how much it meant to me. And then we were off in the direction of *why* it meant so much, which made me feel awkward and a bit ashamed and also fearful that you'd decline them if you knew they meant a lot. But you seemed to get it? Or at least accept it.

I think the conversation around hugs and other boundaries went OK, too? I don't know, I do worry that with one aspect of that, there's a potential grenade. Or maybe that would have gone off by now. Land mine? Though if I know where it is, I can avoid it.

But anyway, good, though intense, session today. I hope you got home safely in the rain.

Love you,
LT

L,
You are so beautiful inside and out. Today I really got to see a special part of you and I cherish it so so much. I am the one who is blessed and honored to have someone like you in my life. My words don't do you justice. I can't even being to describe to you how I feel. You make my life worth living and fighting for. I love you L.

I just thought about you now when I was doing laundry. I stopped what I was doing and thought "I will probably need these shorts next week so I should probably change into something else so I can wash them." I am not sure what category that falls into on the things we are working on. But I felt like the whole stopping what I was doing and thinking before doing something was using my therapy skills a bit.

I have the flowers from your garden in my lovely vase. The flowers look beautiful. I wish you were my mother. Then I wouldn't be alone on Mother's Day. I will always think of the time I got really angry at you and you held me. You allowed me to be myself, without judgment. The feeling of your arms around me was so, so comforting.