Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Dear T,
I'm pretty sure I'm your only client who gets some sort of comfort from receiving your invoice emails over the weekend. Because it's like, "OK, good, he still exists." It was particularly stormy and windy over the weekend, too.

And I managed to resist the urge to email you to make sure you were OK with everything we discussed Friday (the hug and handshake stuff). I'm just trying to trust in the relationship. And you seemed fine when we talked about it, though I do want to clarify your one comment on how it would have led to a conflict if I'd asked for a hug (even though I would never actually ask for that that, I still want to know what you meant, especially if it could relate to my asking for other things that I may not realize cross some line).

Love,
LT

Happy (I know you're not my) Mother's Day, L. I continue to appreciate everything that you were to me.

Can you help me process my feelings about Roe vs Wade because it is pissing me the **** off and I have no other outlet to voice my feelings to about this besides you. I have my mom who agrees with me about everything. But I don't think I've ever felt so angry and vulernable about a current event and I really need help processing it because this one really hits home and can really affect me badly.

Something super awkward happened the other night but I don't know how to tell you because we have never really talked about this subject before. I wonder if its a better subject for my doctor.

The age thing is still a bit of an issue even though on Wednesday you looked and were dressed like you were 6 years older then me. Actual age since I look like I'm in college.

Dear K,

You gave me life. Not in the traditional sense, but the relationship that I had with you bore so much life within me, and I grew to love you like I can only imagine a child loves a mother. I don't know how anyone could simply walk away from that.

Thank you for continuing to be the amazing person that you are, and for still helping me to be the amazing person that I am.

I have so much that I want to say to you, and I can only hope that one day in the not too distant future I will get a chance to talk to you, properly. Adult to adult.

I love you K, and always will,

Me

Dear T,
Struggling tonight, just with Mother's Day in general on a couple different levels. And think I made H mad, just by asking what D said that he was upset about? I just want the day to be over, or at least to be at the hour when it's acceptable for me to turn out the lights.

Love,
LT

T,

I feel like my grief over losses and the anticipated loss of you as my therapist (because I know therapy has to end and we've talked about it) is somehow not something you understand emotionally. I'm assuming, of course.

You've stable and loving parents, and people in your life. I don't.

Thank you for your email.
I'm sorry I laboured the point.
It's a relief to know it was just an oversight, and not an actual issue with my email.

I know it’s only 24 hours until I see you next but I desperately want to text you, just to have some form of contact with you. But I have no valid reason to. I’ve tried to find some kind of excuse but nothing seems reasonable enough to reach out. I wish you were ok with me just checking in to say hey. Just to remind me that you’re still there and you care. I miss you.

I'm just a cluster**** of health issues arent I? I come in with something new each week. The thing is this is stuff thats showing up in my blood work so its not me just freaking out about stuff for no reason. But I got clocked for a college student today and I had to tell her I am 29. You look like you're 38 instead of 28 and I wonder how you'll respond to the hair stylist thinking I was college age. Don't worry I won't tell you you look so much older then you actually are. Although I did ask last week why you were so dressed up and you actually found my question funny instead of boundary crossing.

I guess I have an issue with us being basicslly the same age but me being a bit older. And me looking so much younger then I am and you looking so much older then you are.

It can just get really confusing.

Dear T,
Seriously, why are you still here? Why aren't you trying to get rid of me? Please know that I'm incredibly grateful that you're still here--but I don't understand?
Love,
LT

L,
Your email hurt. You seem to care more about the puppy than me. I really need you right now, and you putting the puppy first really sucks.

Dear T,

We are doing this, aren't we. Thank you for being quiet today. For just letting me be quiet in that moment, and allowing me to just sit and rest and feel that sadness. It's so hard. So hard. I feel like I'm wrestling myself with every ounce of strength that I have and I just got to the point where I couldn't physically do it any more. I needed to stop, and I just wanted to say thank you for stopping also.

Dear T,
Thanks for the reassuring email reply. I debated whether to send something, then was concerned I'd be really anxious going into session tomorrow if I didn't check in at all. I didn't come out and ask if everything was OK, but you read between the lines and gave me an "all is well" anyway.

And it's such a little thing, but wishing me a good day and hoping that D's having some good days means a lot.

Love,
LT

Transference T I don't know if you ever think about me anymore. And I often wondered how you felt when my mom emailed you last October when I was in between therapists and asked if you'd be willing to see me again and then gave just a general update and said that I was going to be getting a hystrectomy in a few days and that my insurance was covering it.

But I do wonder if based on these current events if you are super relieved for me that I was able to get the surgery. I don't know. Maybe its just wishful thinking that you still think of me. Maybe I should be asking my current therapist what she thinks about me getting my surgery right at a good time instead of focusing on what you think or don't think.

For the first time in a long time I am really struggling after our session today. I feel debilitated and I can't work out if by chilling in my bean bag I am being kind to myself or allowing it to win. I had planned to go to the gym but honestly, I just want to curl up and go to sleep.

Hope it is okay to reply, Waterbear. After sessions with a long term T who is no longer my T unfortunately due to circumstances beyond our control, I would often have to lay down and take a nap, or I would have to go to the mall and chill in a bookstore or in the food court just decompressing from the session because it was just too much. But I needed that time. I think it is perfectly fine to not go to the gym and to chill in your bean bag chair if that is what you feel you need to do. I think it is being kind to yourself. I hope the rest of your day goes well. HUGS if wanted.

Thanks Kit, I really appreciate your comment. My worry is that I used to have this with Ex T, right at the beginning of our work, and I would just be confined to the sofa for the rest of the day, sometimes days, just in so much pain and so tired, unable to function except to go to work when I had to. I'm scared of going back to that place, but I do know that this work is going to be very hard and very tiring. I likened it to a wrestling match today, because I feel like I'm wrestling with the very protective parts of me who are desperate to keep this all inside. Short bouts of insane amounts of effort followed by rest.
So, my Dear T message is this... I'm proud of myself. I moved from the beanbag to the chair outside. I couldn't face the gym so I didn't go, but neither did I let this 'win' and spoil my day. I enjoyed the sunshine. I wrote in my therapy diary and I managed some gardening. I used my skills I learnt with Ex T and I thought of her, which helped me to get up and do something positive. Weeding. Good for the soul and good for the garden. And I opened up to R a little. Told him how difficult the session had been.

I'm proud of you too, Waterbear.

Please don't joke around tommorow about what happened today. I already feel stupid and concerned enough.

Lost in wordless space
Shake my fist, scream in silence
Absence echoes on.

I don't get to see you for 3 weeks?!?! I hate your H.

Thanks for acknowleding the fact that you keep having me buy stuff like I "have all the money in the world" as you put it. But also thanks for not being a **** about what went on yesterday and how I thought it was one thing but it was actually something else.

That was kinda funny when my shoe made a cracking sound against my other shoe and I said "that was my shoe." Because I didn't want you to think that I farted and you said "man I thougt that was your knee or something that was scary!"

Dear T,

I feel like I'm getting drawn into the messy fold of the trauma work again and I don't like it. I don't like having this on my mind so often. It's easier when I try and forget, when I shove it back inside the wall and don't look at it. F***, I had forgotten what turning and looking at it felt like, and it's tough, so how is it going to be when we start actually going in there? (Assuming the very protective parts of me one day let us) What am I supposed to do with it all between sessions? You asked me last week if I felt I was wrestling in-between sessions, and I said no, because up until now it hasn't felt like that, probably because we haven't really been venturing all that close to it, but it feels as if that is changing, and I'm not sure I'm ready for it. I'm not sure I'll ever be ready for it.