Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Thanks, LT - I appreciate it when other people find the poems for me.
It's an honest response to 'How are you?' for me, too.
Not that I've actually used it with her, I think.

You are full of shite, hen.

ETA: You are so full of shite, hen.

Too. Much.

T: I am nervous we are going to be stuck with phone sessions all summer bc of your kids. I understand, but it sucks.

T, h convinced me to fully try my whole cocktail for a week

Hey L. I had hoped to make it home in time today to be on the zoom call, but didn't make it. I wonder if you were on there, it would have been nice to 'see' you tonight before h's heart procedure tomorrow. And, tomorrow being 6 months since our last session! I'm probably going to want to call you tomorrow while he's in there getting the procedure but I also know I probably won't, because I don't feel like I have the "right" to anymore since I'm no longer an active client and don't have any intention of coming back to therapy. I can always call my mom, as she went through this when my dad had one put in a few years before he passed.

Pdoc has something on his facebook of him reading a book of expensive types of wine and his post was "I've turned into the snob I told myself I'd never be when I was a broke college student"

I can kinda relate to him because I'm eating a small bag of plain peanuts because of the carbs vs protein thing I have going on and drinking unsweetened iced tea and I'd never eat this way as a fat teenager.

I don't know why he's posting that as a public post tho

I was also thinking today, me and Transference T are about the same ages as Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian. I'm 29 and my transference T is 40. I mean, it does happen. Not in my world though. Or probably most peoples world

You asked me the other day what this site was called and I said "um, I'm not going to tell you that." I don't care what you took from that you do not need to know the things that are said on here.

Although I do kind of wish I had given my transference T the site and my user name at our last session and she could have done what she wanted to with that info. I kinda regret it to be honest.

Now I'm wondering if my current therapist can easily locate me on this site. If she knew her way around the internet well enough and knew how to find stuff easily she could spot me in a second if she found this forum based on the topics I discuss both here and in sessions. ****.

You said the ACT program director would call me today or Tuesday. Well, it's about time to say it's not going to be today. Just really upset because Tuesday morning I have an appointment with my NP and I don't want to get the call during the appointment.

That said, I'm still doing really really poorly. I'm self-medicating again which on one hand is good because I'm functioning and not self-harming and it's keeping those sui thoughts away, but I know at some point there's going to be consequences again.

Hoping you'll see my email before we meet on Tuesday.
It's not an emergency, but I know I'll struggle to explain when I see you.

T,
I broke my relationship with my husband. I'm mad, and said things that shouldn't be said. Now he's debating leaving

T: Anger is so, so hard. I am thankful that you said it is okay to be angry with or at you, but I just can't.

Well, I made it through h's procedure today without calling you. Mostly because it was SOOOO cold in the surgery center, I finally told them to call me on my cell when he was done and went outside and sat in my car to warm up. I rolled the windows down and promptly fell asleep!! I didn't wake up until a car horn startled me awake, and by then it was already almost 4pm! I can't believe I slept that well sitting up in the car. I had books and yarn and all kinds of stuff to keep me busy but what did I do? Sleep. I guess I was tired, I hadn't been sleeping too well the last couple nights worrying about today. But it was worry for naught, as everything went well. I'll be on the zoom drum circle again next week, and I hope to see you on there again one of these times.

T,
Why do you only work the last 3 days of the week. I'm ****ing up here and can't tell you for almost a week. By then I'll burn my whole life down. So can you help me pick up the pieces, I guess? I wish you could tell me just what to do.

I never told my transfernce T or any T after her that the reason I ended things with the therapist before my transfernce T was because I made a bad joke and almost got the cops called on me. I was so scared I terminated things immediatly with that therapist right in that moment for my own safety. That was in December 2018 and then I met transference T in April 2019 but I never told her about that incident because it freaked the hell out of me.

Also, yesterday was 6 months since our last session. I wonder if you thought about that at all? I still kinda miss you. Not in a painful way, but in a good memories, grateful kind of way.

At our very first session I asked you 2 things. 1. Are you comfortable around trans people. And 2. Do you have expierences with eating disorders. You said yes to both of those things. The trans thing isn't a problem but now you seem uncomfortable with this supposed ED thing and that was the legit second question I asked you so what is happening now wouldn't happen. Honestly, if I need to throw you under the bus and tell your supervisor you told me when we first started meeting that you were comfortable with this issue, I won't hesitate.

I don't know how to ask if I can come back. You obviously didn't believe me when I ended things. I don't even care about the shame associated with my push/pull response to you; therapy has been a series of shames after shames. But I feel stuck. I don't even know if I am waiting to come back to you or not. There are so many other barriers in the way now too. I can no longer afford your fee, even at its token amount. I am due to visit my mother and the trauma of this shuts me down from everyone. My partner said she wants to end our relationship because my hostility has worn her down. I am worried about work. I need to work more hours but it £ucks up my mental health. All of this causes me to retreat from others and since you are the most complex other, I can't reach out to you.

i just read something about a t telling their client 'i'll always have space for you'. I remember when you used to say that to me. but that changed for whatever reason in november of last year, didn't it. I still don't understand why or what I did wrong. There really were quite a few things that led to my decision to stop for good. I wonder if you even realized half of them because I didn't talk about them all. Eh but I'm not gonna let this drag me down, I'm doing well, handling everything life has been throwing at me lately, reminding myself to just see each thing as one thing at a time and do what needs to be done for each and eventually they will all be resolved. h's procedure is done, we got a new/used car so that's done, the fridge repair will take place this coming week and in the meantime we borrowed a small one to use, I resolved the work issue to my satisfaction, i have talked with my sister, one by one things are getting dealt with and I am breathing a little easier now.

I don't know what to wear at our next session. My only option really is shorts and a T shirt. The last time you saw me 2 weeks ago I had on a kinda baggy hoodie and jeans. I'm sorry if you think this is a bigger issue then it actually is.

One more sleep.

I might need you to move closer this week.

It's been strange and difficult.

Dear mystery-male-t-in-my-dream: Please come back tonight and show me what to do with the circle I drew in the dream before my stupid alarm woke me up!

Thank you for replying to my text.
I'm gonna need to shed some armour for tomorrow's session.
The armour was what enabled me to get through this situation without losing my cool at the Amazon rep.

I've been having these really strange thoughts about you lately. One of the songs I've been listening to a lot is Slow Burn, by who else but Andrew McMahon In The Wilderness and theres this part that goes "good when you're putting your hands all over me." I guess when I do my remote sessions in bed with you and I'm halfway falling asleep its kind of like I'm sleeping with you. You commented the other day that I was about to fall asleep but you didn't sound weirded out by it. So maybe a lot of clients do sessions in their beds. If I had some other place else beside my room to do sessions I would. I mean I don't normally do remote anyways so I guess it doesn't matter in the long run.

So far in a week long period if I had the money I'd drop 4k. I'd have a new puppy, art supplies and all the food we've ate out and gifts I've given. I want to spend more I would buy dog training lessons, vet insurance, good dog food....