Couch 237: Social Rules

Today was a l-o-n-g day. I have Aftercare tonight, but I might skip it. We'll see how I feel in an hour from now. Right now I am tired and a little cranky and I don't feel like sitting in front of another computer for another 2 hours. But I often feel that way before Aftercare and then I end up being glad that I went. But....I don't know. Not feeling it today.

So along with finding out this week that h needs a stent, both of our cars also broke down this week! What are the chances, crimeny. He got his fixed on Tuesday but it turned out to be a faulty part that they fixed it with, so we had to take it back in yesterday morning on the way to the cardiologist. They fixed it again today, and while he was there checking on it in my car, mine quit too. Ugh. So he drove his home and left mine there. $1600+ for getting both of them on the road again... oh well, I'm thinking more along the lines of "it's only money" when comparing the car repairs to h's heart thing. I'm glad we have our weekly zoom drum circle in about an hour, it will be nice to see everyone and hopefully we'll do something fun again this week.

Omg, my phone screen, which has had the bottom sixth dark for the what the past year? just returned! My phone got super hot earlier today. I cooled it off and the full screen appeared! Im not used to this!

Hugs, Artie, that's a lot in one week It seems you have really good perspective on it. But it's OK to be frustrated by things like cars breaking down and having to spend money you didn't expect to have to spend!


I hope the drum circle is fun and calming. Maybe I need to try one of those....though with different timing, or I don't think H and D would appreciate it!

Thanks LT. The drum circle was fun and very relaxing, just what I needed. I always get a good night's sleep after a circle. H went out and picked up pizza for dinner while I was on there so now I'm gonna go grab a couple pieces! He got me a thin crust with veggies yum! I like how they cut the thin crust pizzas in little squares instead of huge triangles

Hey everyone. Just came back from an inpatient crisis center for 3 weeks. I am terrified to be alone again.

Hugs, Velcro....Do they have any sort of aftercare program?

Nothing like a fun game of "which smoke detector or carbon monoxide detector is going off?" waking me up at midnight in a split-level townhouse when I'm already stressed and H is recovering from surgery... Guess # 5 was right... Somehow, D slept through it all.

I got terrible news about my cat today - he's in extreme kidney failure. I made the decision to put him down but I wanted one last night with him so here I am up posting because I cannot sleep. He's such a good boy and only 5 years old. One of my Dad's employees heard and messaged me on FB offering me a kitten which I thought was very thoughtless and terrible of her before I even put him down.

Ouch, Polibeth.


I am so sorry that you will lose him so soon. I know your father's colleague meant well, but that is way too soon.


Wishing you comfort at this difficult time.

Oh, I'm so sorry about your cat. That's so young...

That does seem a bit clueless to offer a kitten while your cat is still alive or shortly after his passing.

I am sorry about your cat - I love mine as well. I don't actually think the guy was being very thoughtless or terrible - I would think they were trying to help even it it wasn't helpful. But, I always line up a new pet when my old ones are starting to flag so that I am ready when the time comes.

If you sent an email that said something like the following, would you expect some sort of response of at least "thanks"? Particularly if the other person pretty much always replies to your emails with something? Or does it seem more like, I don't know, a "thinking of you" card to which you wouldn't respond?

"Only sending this as an email because I didn't want to put you on the spot in session. But you seemed sad in session yesterday, and I just wanted to say that I hope you and your loved ones are OK (not prying). Or perhaps it was related to something in the news.* I'm not looking for an explanation, just wanted to share that. I hope this didn't feel intrusive, and if it did, I'm sorry."

He had also switched to virtual at the last minute, didn't say why except not Covid-related (I know, he doesn't owe me an explanation), and was wiping tears a couple random times during session. Yes, I know, I should leave the man alone. I'm not going to ask any questions about it in session today. But I'm going to feel terribly awkward if he doesn't acknowledge my email at all, either via email or during session. I sent it fairly early yesterday morning, so I'm sure he saw it.

Background that we're in the midst of conflict/rupture repair (that was mainly about my confirming sessions were in person, not virtual, and concerns about last-minute changes, so Wednesday also triggered me a bit), so I'm particularly sensitive to these things. I'm fully aware that I should not have sent the email, so it won't be helpful to tell me that. It's more like, is it cause for concern if he didn't reply with anything? I don't want to be needlessly anxious walking into session.

*I referenced the specific thing.

I would appreciate an acknowledgement to an email like that, LT.
I wonder whether gender plays into it, as some men aren't particularly comfortable with their emotions. (Seems strange that he would choose to be a T under those circumstances.)

I think it's a reasonable email to send, as you're concerned about his wellbeing and a potential longer-term switch to virtual.

Thanks, Lost. He just replied, simply saying "Confirming receipt of your email." Which makes me feel almost more anxious? If he'd said "See you at noon" or "thanks" or something, that would have felt different. I just feel like he's irritated again. And I'm already not in the best place (stress over taking care of most stuff with H recovering from surgery, like I just starting crying over something minor). So if he lectures me on his right to keep things private or my emailing too much or something, I won't deal with it well.

Pocket riders welcome! It's in a little under 2 hours. Might have the bonus of thunderstorms in the background, so bring your umbrella.

As a person (like a friend), I would respond to this and be touched that you noticed, especially if it were true that I was preoccupied with something else. I think Dr. T might feel intruded upon, but that's sort of his avoidant-dismissive attachment style jam. I do wonder if maybe this will bring things up about your discomfort with uncertainty and/or your need to care for others (which is not a bad thing!). It seems like there is a lot here, and I hope it doesn't become a whole thing that is primarily about his feelings rather than yours.

Thanks, EM. I do suspect he felt intruded upon. And I'm worried he'll go into that today. But I also feel like there should be a way for me to discuss my desire to know what's going on and for him to try to understand/sympathize with that, while still holding his boundary. I think if he seems to get it, that will go a really long way with me.

I agree that there's a lot here, and of course this is for a Friday session. The good thing is, he's still working Monday, even though it's Memorial Day, so if it's a difficult session, at least it wouldn't be an extra-long wait.

The problem is, now I feel like I *can't* email him if I'm upset or worried. Or if there's some outside thing going on that has nothing to do with him that is causing me stress/anxiety. But I guess I can talk about that, too? He hasn't been charging (anyone) for emails during the pandemic, so I wonder if it would help if I said "I'm fine with you charging me" and/or offering to pay for this past weekend's/week's emails? As he said in the past that charging for them makes him not resentful.

Polibeth, I am so sorry about your beloved kitty. My condolences and sympathies to you. I know how hard it is to lose a cat. I lost my Esther this time last year and I grieve her every day even though I got Helen less than a month later and Helen does light up my life. I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Especially as kitty is so young. HUGS if wanted. Kit

I will pocket ride, LT.

Today we are firing someone at work. Well not really we, but management is. I prepared his final checks. I just feel bad for the guy. I don't work directly with him but he always seemed like a nice guy and I know he isn't going to have seen this coming. This company doesn't really do progressive discipline. It's like one day you are here and the next day you aren't. It does cause me some anxiety at times but I try not to worry about it. I've been here almost 6 years so far and I haven't been fired yet. I'm going to be anxious all day and it isn't even me that has to have the termination discussion with him.

Hugs, velcro.

oh my what bad timing for those things to act up. I'm glad D slept through it.

I'm so sorry, Polibeth. Hugs if wanted.

Hugs LT. I sent along-those-lines emails to L in the past and I expected at least a 'thanks' in response too and usually would get that, but then in the next session she would say something like "this isn't about me, it's about you." Which I always hated hearing. I mean I know that, but at the same time I think it was not exactly therapeutic for her to say it when I was just showing a common human caring, besides whenever something was going on for her that she unintentionally let into the session enough for me to notice it, then obviously it was affecting me and therefore the therapy. All of that is to say I don't think it was wrong for you to send the email. Therapy is something that happens between two human beings and I never understood why we must be made to feel like we aren't allowed to care human to human. Aside from how they're being "off" affects the therapy. I know I'm rambling but apparently this is still a bit of a thing for me.

Great post, Artie.