Couch 237: Social Rules

My mom was just here for a visit. I was avoiding talking about it on here because other posters were dealing with mother-related situations and I didn't want to upset them, so I apologize if this is triggering. This was the first time I've seen her since both the fire and my father's death. I think I really wanted to tell her how hard the last several years have been and how awful (abusive? I'm beginning to doubt if I can call it that anymore) my marriage had gotten. I just wanted to feel seen and heard. I cracked the door open while she was here, but it didn't seem she was willing to go there with me. I had considered bringing her to a therapy session, but I had reservations about that and P didn't seem wholeheartedly into that idea, although I may have been reading into that somewhat. Basically, I felt neither seen nor heard during her visit and I've been having some difficulty accepting that. In our last session, P suggested that I may have to just accept the relationship for what it is, but even that leaves me feeling kind of dejected.

Something came up during our work virtual happy hour yesterday that was pretty directly related to the fire. They were talking about burning something and I told them that I could say from experience that it probably wouldn't burn very well (laminate flooring). Someone asked if there was a story behind that knowledge and I mentioned I had a house fire a few years ago and the flooring was surprisingly not that badly damaged. I don't know. I felt stupid for saying that and I felt unheard because I couldn't say how the fire happened and I felt a little triggered. I know this incident is playing into this feeling, but I'd feel so stupid telling P about this because I feel pretty socially inept most of the time. That's something my ex used to tell me all the time and it's something that got ingrained pretty deeply.

It probably doesn't help that this was also the first week that we've had to reduce our sessions so he can do his clinicals for school. Which is probably making me want more attention, which I then feel bad about myself for.

OK, this statement basically shows that you're the *opposite* of attention-seeking. And that you're being very considerate of others' feelings.

That all seems incredibly difficult, I'm sorry. Both your mom and what happened with the work gathering.

It makes total sense to me that the exchange at the work happy hour plays into how you're feeling. I don't think P would find that to be stupid at all.

Really, any one of the things you mentioned (your mom's visit, happy hour, P reducing sessions) could lead to feeling the desire for more attention, let alone all of them together.

And from what you've said about your marriage, it definitely sounded abusive to me. Even just the fact that your ex kept calling you socially inept, like a way to keep you down.

I do hope you can talk to P about all of this. Including how it's feeling that you've had to reduce sessions. Is that temporary or permanent?

H was actually really nice to me. I told him I'm struggling and feeling frozen. He told me not to worry, that if I don't pack everything, we can do it after the move because we still have the apartment for another week.

I'm getting my haircut today as well to try to feel better about myself.

This question makes me laugh right now. I have no idea. I know his clinicals are only until mid-July when he's done with his program. He's told me that he's going to sign another year's lease on his office or move to a different one in the same building. I'm not sure what his career plans are at this point. I have some feeling about the journey since he first told me he was going to be leaving up until now. They're not all gracious and although I think he could handle hearing my non-gracious thoughts about this roller coaster ride he's taken me on, I'm having real difficulty in telling him. He said he wished he hadn't told me, but he kind of had to tell me when he did because the plan back then was he was moving in 4 months. I can't really be mad at him because other than the decision to go back to school, none of how this played out was his doing, but I'm kind of peeved at the whole situation. And it feels like I shouldn't be because the end result has been we have had and will have more time to work together.

You have the right to be mad at him for taking you on the roller-coaster ride, even though it ultimately gave you more time with him. It led to stress and anxiety not knowing how long he'd stay around. Just because the end result is OK doesn't mean you can't be upset with the process it took to get there.

I'm glad your H is being supportive. That's good you have the extra time with the apartment. Hope the haircut was helpful!

Hugs if you want some, NP. There's no timeframe for "getting over" something, and you experienced prolonged abuse by your Ex.

If people can be bitten once by a dog and develop a lifelong phobia, which people respect... how much more what Ex did to you? Plus, your mother is being invalidating, and minimising.

Even if you were seeking attention (and my T says it's "connection seeking"), there's an unmet need there. To be seen, heard, cared about when you're having a difficult time over events which you feel shame about "not getting over it fast enough".

When I've asked similar "I should be over it by now", to my T (some events from my adolescence, so really long ago), she would say "whose voice is that?".

There's also a difference between talking about an abusive relationship VS processing the trauma from it, but I don't remember what it is. Other than it's the T's job to help so the client doesn't get retraumatised.

I'd be frustrated and stressed with your T's lack of clear plans.

Thought I would say hi to everyone since passing through to get advice on med change.

As an update - life keeps trudging along. And I mean trudging, no capacity for anything that even nudges the boat of my life.

Elio! Glad you dropped by. I doubt you'd be alone with such a life. Stay here and type if it helps?

Personally I feel stuck in survival mode, and don't feel the joy people around me feel about pandemic restrictions being loosened. I'm happy for them, of course. I just feel like I'm separated by a glass wall despite how one of my friends has invited me to plans during Pride month.

NP, forgive me if I've pitched it before, but some of your situation and background are perfect for EMDR. There are certain things in my past that I had talked about many times with my T and felt frustrated for not resolving. Then when I got up and running with EMDR, I was able to re-process those incidents in like 2-3 sessions. I still remember the events, of course, but I don't get upset anymore when I'm reminded of them. It's like the memories just needed a slightly different approach to get unstuck. Even just working through the fire would probably be an enormous help. And one nice thing is that you don't have to describe details out loud to the EMDR therapist if you don't want to. Just thinking about them is enough to re-process them. Obviously you wouldn't want to replace P, but you can do this as an adjunct to your normal talk therapy. I was a huge skeptic, but it's been super effective for me.

Just based on what you have shared here -- which I'm sure is not everything -- your relationship was absolutely abusive. It's not even a question to me.

My T likes to say that I'm not attention seeking but that I want to be attended to, which sounds different to me. I'm sorry your mom wasn't able to listen and validate your feelings the way you deserved. You have been through a lot, and the fact that she wasn't able to mother you the way you deserved on this trip (and maybe in general?) says much more about her than about you. We all need to feel heard and supported by the key people in our lives.

Spent most of today at this large indoor waterpark, fun times all around.

I don't think banks are super secure, I feel like a lot of Internet banking sites have really bad IT security? Can't even use a strong password for some, though I don't know if it's just my part of the world.

Often, so I feel in my part of the world, the transaction limits on accounts are way too high too, even at the lowest ones.

There's supposed to be "2 factor authentication" true, but I bet people can crack the algorithms? Just like how folks have cracked software licence code algorithms for MS Office before Office went cloud-based. Plus it's easy enough to scare people so they'll give you their "one time password".

There's plenty of places near my current apartment where paying through scanning a QR code with your smartphone is impossible for folks on certain telcos due to bad signal and lack of cell towers, despite how it's not at all rural but high density apartment blocks and shops in a little cluster.

Often enough, cards aren't accepted by these shops too because accepting cards costs them. So I use cash quite a lot for daily living.

The only difference is more automated machines at (in person) cashiers to count the coins and notes in a "hands free" manner due to the pandemic.

A number of Aaian countries, including my own, made contact tracing apps mandatory during this pandemic. Yeah, and I'm not surprised that data is indeed used by the police etc.

Hyrum smith identified that needing attention was one of the 4 core issues that drive all behaviour and make us human.

You're not awful for wanting to be been seen. Like kit said we see you and your pain.

You're not making a big deal out of anything. There isn't a set timeframe for healing. You don't need to minimize what you went through. Email P if it helps.

I'm not a fan of a cashless society either.

Gold and silver will help with inflation. As with having a safety net of food items.

I like idea behind Crypto and do have a small holding (£30 worth the last time I checked in the two largest coins and solna ), but it's not something I will be investing heavily in.

I love my Couch! Or more generally, MSF. Partly because you laugh at my jokes. I think thats my safe space - if my mother was laughing, she wasnt growling. Altho im a little disappointed that y'all didnt see my crack here elsewhere about how on Jan 6, people were just looking for toilet paper.

Eta - lemonblossom, thanks for this! Franklin planner hyrum, i knew the name sounded familiar. I just got his retirement book, thanks to you.

I like the Lemon blossom.

I remembered his name because I've never heard it before.

I finished his other book "you are what you believe". It just made a lot of sense.

Can I get a commission fee?

Believe it or not, the stock market is better protection against inflation than gold or silver.

If you adjust to today’s dollar, gold is worth less today than when I was born.

Just a small update.

I've done seven sessions with Matthew.

I emailed Rob for my therapy notes a month ago. He didn't reply to that email or my september, + feb ones either. I sent a follow up on friday saying I would be contacting the ICO (Information Commissioners Office) to make a subject data request- unsurprisingly that worked.

Gold & silver together is only 20% of my overall portfolio. I have my emergency fund in premium bonds. The rest is invested in the markets. Around 40% ETFs and 60% individual stocks. Best advice is just not to check too often. I go for companies I personally like (Starbucks) and ones that will always be needed like Tesco and Sainsbury's (our largest two supermarkets), Royal mail and National grid ( both gas and electricity).

I do have a LISA where the government give you a 20% top up, which you can access at 60 or when you buy your first home, but I don't have a pension yet. I did think of starting a private one but haven't got around to it.

I had a session with Info Wednesday, but I don't remember what she was wearing, so no fashion report.

For a feng shui report, she was in a room with an elk's head mounted over the fireplace, which I think must be in her house.

It was probably that elk ex-hankster and Jersey went out and wrangled all those years ago.

I also saw a grief counselor Friday. She's like 30, so I'm not sure how much she knows about grief from experience...didn't ask.

Thats because when you were born, the supply of gold skyrocketed.

Eta re Info Im not surprised her ilk would have an elk.

I'm really surprised Info would have an elk's head mounted in her home. Or, if it were there, that she would choose to spend time in the room where it was located. She did not seem to be the type who would be okay with hunting?

While I was in Texas with my mom, I saw a therapist there just for the summer. He must have hunted deer because there were deer antlers mounted all over the office. I'm talking at least a dozen pair, if not more. He thankfully did not have the full heads mounted; only the antlers.

I've got nothing against hunting non-endangered species as long as you eat the meat (or give it to people who need it). I just didn't think Info was the type.

Sent from my SM-S908U using Tapatalk

Not that ilk to mount an elk?

Maybe she isn't, but perhaps her husband was?

It might be a fake?

Sending you love @@.