Couch 237: Social Rules

Hey SK, you're dismissing yourself quite a bit here, and I'm saying this out of care.

Yes, you'd like to be shown grace when you need it, and you extend that grace to her...and your feelings about her being unprepared are still valid. Even if you already use Zoom Pro for however many things.

I'm not saying you have to confront her right away (only you can tell when it feels safe enough to), and I'm glad you did manage to post here for support.

No longer than 8 months, hopefully.

There is research I have to do about specialist continuing care (not just psychiatric, others too), which is really frustrating when I'm not fluent enough in Norwegian. I've been doing a lot about contacting shipping companies, will be sorting through my belongings and selling/donating/giving away a lot.

I admittedly had a very recent fight with my fiancé who I FEEL doesn't take any initiative even though I've said I need help several times. He would be able to find out what I need to know much more easily.

We ended up snapping at each other because I quite likely will need medication for a very long time. He didn't even let me tell him just how spaced out my current psychiatrist appointments are (every 3 to 4 months), before assuming I would need minimum monthly appointments and then saying my savings will run out and he can't afford me seeing a psychiatrist. Then saying I need to go cold turkey on my meds when that's a very bad idea.

How I'm doing it all alone is definitely a trigger for me feeling I'm a burden. Eventually we agreed I'd type up specific things I need him to check / find out for me. I was trying to ask for that all along.

I know I can't control what he does and it's also tiring that he refuses to do anything about his depression and major procrastination issues.

There's plenty on my end for me to do, and I'm cracking on with it while doing my best to take breaks instead of spending the whole day on a task without food or water.

10 days before the move. 3 weeks without L (will still have telehealth). I am overwhelmed and exhausted. I have a ton of packing still to do, but it's hard when we're still using so many things.

My dad seems to be doing good with the new puppy. He still misses his other dog a lot and sometimes feels like he's cheating on her. But I told him she would want him to have the comfort of another animal.

The two of you need to go into the alternative medicine business together.

I can see the sign now:

As in, if I were his wife? I don't really like the term "obey." More that I'd want him to take my feelings and concerns into account. But I'd also like to think I'd respect his job and what he'd feel he wants/needs to do to best serve his clients. That it would ultimately be his decision.

I certainly wouldn't want him blaming me if his client asked about returning to virtual. Like, "My wife said I have to stop seeing clients in person."

I admittedly have told my H that I'd prefer he not referee youth games for the (indoor, no masks required) sport that he does some as a hobby (he makes maybe $40 to $50/game, so it's not his regular job) and he ultimately agreed with me that it wasn't a good idea (then he got injured, so it became a moot point). Though at the time, our D wasn't vaccinated yet, so that was my biggest concern.

And for several indoor concerts I had planned to attend in the last few months, I asked him if he'd prefer I not attend or if he'd want me to isolate/mask up as best I could in the house for the few days after and test a few times. He said it was up to me, and I ultimately decided to go to one (where masks/vaccines were required) and skip the other two (one of which is tonight).

Hugs, if wanted, Scarlet. That does sound overwhelming. I hope the move goes well. I'm glad L is still available through telehealth at least.

That all does sound really frustrating, I'm sorry. It definitely seems like it would be easier to do research because he's local and speaks the language. And I'm sure it makes you feel unsupported. I hope he steps up and helps more.


Agreed that it's definitely a bad idea to go cold turkey on meds. Do you know what the situation with medication is there? Is it universal healthcare? If so, could you get coverage? Or could you get generic versions of some of the medications? Or maybe get as much of a refill as possible before you move, if they're cheaper in your current country?

Basically, I'd most likely need particular medications to be from a psychiatrist, not a GP. My current psychiatrist also feels my Complex PTSD and/or DID needs a psychiatrist.

Not so sure on some of my other medication but currently I'm under the care of an endocrinologist who noted I've weird thyroid lab results, and other abnormal lab results she's unsure on.

Getting to a psychiatrist isn't going to be easy and I'll need to cough up money for private care for a while. There's a limit to how much medication I can bring in from my current psychiatrist in my country.

Part of the reason I almost went inpatient is because I really cannot work 10 to 12 hours, 5 days a week, with zero flexibility on start and end hours (early morning to overnight), shift hours, whether I even get scheduled food and water breaks, with terrible pay... and still go to all my medical appointments. Which are all during business hours.

I'm literally certified unfit to work too, then I lost 2 jobs due to fleeing abuse and struggling to compensate for my cognitive impairment (due to my diagnoses).

The systems in my country, UK (the famous NHS) and Scandinavia get praise they don't always deserve... because it's actually really difficult to get good care for chronic and complex medical needs. Which is better than NO care of course, but even if you win on the zip code lottery, doesn't mean you get the care you actually need.

I basically cried to my therapist who has the benefit of being very familiar with patients like me getting failed massively and repeatedly in various countries. She said she'll help, I'm not going to be left to drown on my own.

My psychiatrist is actually willing to do an unethical thing about my medication because she's had patients in similar situations struggling to establish continuity of care. I couldn't drag an innocent friend into it though.

Basically there's only 2 GPs I can approach for a referral and I don't get to choose GPs. It's like the NHS in this regard.

So I'll need to get medical reports (extremely expensive, and I don't get to see my own records) from all the hospitals I see my clinicians at, then move there. Go private because various legal paperwork stuff that would allow me to acess public healthcare, I can only start there in his country... and it takes on average more than a year for my application to stay to even be looked at.

Assuming all goes well and I gain the right to public healthcare, I wait to be assigned to a GP, hope it isn't the crap one who created a huge phobia my fiancé has about medical care, argue to be referred. Wait and wait and wait.

That's just the start of 1 year by 1 year permits until I meet various requirements to be eligible to apply for Permanent Residency.

If I ever get involuntarily psych treatment of any form in his country, the clock for me getting Permanent Residency goes back to zero. There's other requirements too, as well, that I fear not being EVER able to meet.

So yeah, my brain thinks I'm just going to be an immense burden since I'm worthless in my own country anyway, so I might as well end my life. Rationally or not.

Thanks. I think the worst part is that I'll have no "home" to feel safe at for 2 weeks. Not L's office and not my home.

I just looked at my emails. More hopeful now.

I hit zipcode lottery and an organisation sending me a few ready-to-eat meals (they can't be all I eat, I was told) put me on a distribution list for "ugly" fresh produce that would otherwise be tossed. I can get groceries every week or 2 weeks starting this week. Bus ride to the collection point where I'll show my ID and proof of eligibility.

A lot of gatekeeping for food aid while there's literal tonnes of quality food being thrown away every day. No walk in food banks, so I'm REALLY grateful for this organisation and my current zip code. Less worry for me about food.

My T's email helped too.

I have occasionally blamed my spouse for things being a certain way when I didn't want the other person to be upset with me. I'm sure she's made me the heavy sometimes too. I think it's a benefit of being married. Would it be better if he didn't mention her at all? He can say he is going to telehealth and not why. After all, the decision to acquiesce to her request is still his decision.

Do you feel a little like he's choosing her needs over yours? (No judgment or shame in that, btw. A part of me is very irritated by the genuine actual reality that my T's spouse is more important to her than me.)

Sending care. The unfamiliarity of new environments can be so jarring when you've had your old place for a long time.

Oh, this sounds so utterly, terribly difficult. Sending hugs!

I'm glad you are more hopeful now and I'm so glad your T's email helped.

It is so foreign to me that there are no walk in food banks. No churches either that distribute food? HUGS if wanted. You have a lot on your shoulders right now.

Glad to hear all this, QM! Food waste is a huge issue in the US, too. We do have food banks at least, but I'm thinking more of what's thrown away at restaurants.


We used to do a subscription service where we got grocery store overstocks for a reduced rate--not sure if it's like that there, but it was ridiculous to me the reason that some of the produce couldn't be sold in stores, like too big or too small or peppers they call "suntan peppers" that are bell peppers that are part red and part green (not a solid color). Some were just cases where a farmer grew more than needed.

Oh, I'm sure it's very common in marriages/partnerships. I imagine in this case, he knows I'll be upset with him. Even though I told him yesterday, before the wife mention, that I wouldn't be angry at him for switching back to virtual, that I understood. That I'd be sad about it, but not angry at him. He replied "Thank you for saying that." (I suspect I'm not the only client who will be angry or upset about the change.)

I do think there may be some element of jealousy there for me, in terms of her needs coming above those of mine and other clients. Which of course I don't feel comfortable sharing with him. I'm sure many people could share that with their therapists--I'm just unsure how he would take it. Though I don't know, we've been talking through things well lately.

I just had another thought--maybe it's also that she's not a therapist (he's said she isn't), and of course I have no idea if she's been a client (well, she's been diagnosed as ADHD, so maybe?) So I feel it's easy for her to be like, "Just work virtually, you can do the same work with the clients without the risk." And maybe not realize how it can be important to some clients and make a difference in the work. I mean if he was, I don't know, an eye doctor or a surgeon, it's not like he'd even really have the option of working virtually and be able to serve his clients/patients.

Oh, and it doesn't help that I know tomorrow is his birthday, but he doesn't know that I know that (it's listed in an athlete profile on the site for his sport, and I read it like the first week I was seeing him, so it's not like I found it in some underhanded way). So I feel a bit bad if I end up expressing anger with him on his birthday. And, returning to the jealousy piece, also his wife and son--and friends--would get to celebrate that with him, but I don't even know if it's OK for me to say "Happy Birthday!" without his potentially being weirded out.

Knowing me, right at the end I'll be like, "uh, Happy Birthday!" he'll be weirded out, I'll say I'm sorry, then panic that he's going to be upset with me.

Oh LT, I feel so many emotions for you in this exchange!

I don't know exactly the right thing to say so forgive me if I ramble a bit.

All my therapists that I have seen with the exception of Dr. K who I don't know if he is married or not, or and the crazy therapist I saw for four sessions she was married, all the rest have been single ladies. Either divorced or never married or whatever. So I have never been in this exact situation with a therapist.

However I was recently in this situation with a friend/mentor of mine. Where she put her husband's desires over our plans. And she kind of blamed it on him. Well he wants to do x so I have to cancel our lunch engagement. Like she didn't own her part in it. And I know she is a strong woman WITH opinions so she could have fought for the opportunity to meet with me, but she didn't.

It made me feel so angry and hurt and abandoned and all sorts of things. It caused a huge problem for me which I then had to work out in therapy. But this is WITH your therapist so it's harder to work it out in therapy without a potential rupture.

I totally understand your being upset. It makes sense to me. And the birthday thing would be hard too. My current T is the only one who has ever told me her birthday which was weird and made it awkward for me knowing this information but she very much wanted me to know. I don't know what I would do in your shoes, say Happy Birthday or not. But I hope whatever you decide that your session goes well tomorrow. Kit

My shoulders and neck have been really sore lately. I had been blaming it on Fibromyalgia because of the weather changing. We are going from highs in the mid sixties to highs in the mid nineties in like 5 days, with it being as low as 39 degrees at night and this just messes up my Fibromyalgia to no end.

It JUST NOW occurred to me that it might be tied to the enormous amounts of anxiety I have been feeling lately. I might be holding the tension in my shoulder area.

Last night I sat with a heating pad on my shoulders for about 10 minutes and then put Icy Hot on and went to bed. I will probably try to do the same thing tonight but also add ice then heat then icy hot.

I've been trying to manage my anxiety without medication, when I can, by relying on deep breathing, meditation, etc. But I just sort of thought, hmmm this might be anxiety related (as well as the Fibromyalgia because weather changes always affect me).

That could be the case, Kit. I'm glad you have strategies and meds to help.
Sometimes I find that if I'm feeling anxious I can get my shoulders to drop by breathing in and making the sound 'Vooo' on the exhale. Sounds a bit weird, but it's a technique I picked up from a webinar with Dr. Peter Levine.

QM I’m sorry you’re struggling so much. I don’t have any real answers but just wanted to say that you do have value even if you can’t see it for yourself right now.

Take it moment by moment when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

“We’ll do whatever just to stay alive
We’ll do whatever just to stay alive“

Lemon!!!!!

Today has a distinct curl up in bed and hide under the covers vibe to it.

So far I’ve resisted.

My EMDR T has had me do the "Voooo" thing. I felt awkward and giggly about doing it, so at least that took me out of the (overly upsetting) moment?

HUGS, if wanted @@