Couch 237: Social Rules

UGH.



I just want to lay in bed and not talk to anyone and not have anyone talk to me. I want to completely distance myself from everyone/everything. I know isolating is not good. I reached out to my Pastor's wife. She wasn't too helpful but she was trying. I reached out to another friend too and I am waiting to hear back. I have therapy tonight so I guess we will talk about this. I don't even want to get on the Zoom for therapy but I already paid for the appointment so I guess I should. I don't want to go to the hospital so I better manage this. Just a really bad crappy day that has gotten me down in the dumps.

This Onion story echoes a frequent stopdog complaint (no, not therapist-related): 7-Year-Old Unable To Maintain Single Cohesive Storyline While Playing With Action Figures

I like that one. My favorite one is Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids

and this one
God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy

I used to put onion stories on my bulletin board at school, but after the 12th student thought something was serious - I just stopped.

Can someone link me that website... TELL (?) for therapist exploitation? I'm okay, I just want the link to give a friend.

Edit: Found it. I didn't remember the words in the acronym TELL, but now I do.

https://www.therapyabuse.org/

Comic which I hope might comfort...

Major disclaimer, just to avoid misunderstanding: I don't think people want to wallow in depression. When I'm suicidal, I isolate myself too, and everything seems utterly pointless.

Instagram Comic

Sending love. Bereavement is really difficult, I really hope you can take some days off.

Even countries with PTO for bereavement aren't giving enough days... and you are such a hard worker.

I hope you heard back from your friend and that therapy was helpful. And that you'll have a better day today. Hugs....

Well I had my filling appointment at the dentist and the told me that my insurance is going away and I needed to find another provider.

Still having a bad, terrible, crappy day with

I had a trying conversation with a coworker who is above me on the scale of command even though I asked her to be gentle with me today. I don't think she was gentle at all. She said she isn't mad at me but I don't really believe her. She shut down the conversation abruptly and that just made me feel worse. I went to my boss and told her I was worried and upset. She said she would get back to me. She is probably sick of dealing with me too. Not that I blame her. I would probably be sick of dealing with me too, if I was her. She knows about my Schizoaffective disorder and I told her that it might be me because I just lost a friend, I'm in depression and having but it felt like my coworker was upset with me even though I was doing what she asked. I just needed help because I had never done that task before. And if I go to our outside accounting firm for help, said coworker gets mad because that costs us money. But if I go to her, she makes it sound like I am bothering her. I'm in a lose-lose situation. I've been looking up articles online today about which means it is escalating for me. Therapy wasn't that helpful last night. We talked about my friend dying but not about how to manage these emotions which are too big for me to manage. I'm proud that I am not to manage my emotions but they feel too big for me and I am not doing well. I'm debating about chatting with a crisis line. I definitely don't want to go to the hospital but I am keeping the option on the table. It's just like I don't want to go IP right now. If I could cry I would but tears don't come. I had to take some alprazolam just to come to work. It still isn't enough. If I take a Lybalvi though I'll be a zombie and I don't want that either. I'm out of good options. So I'll just whine here for a bit. Sorry folks. Kit

4 days until the move. And I still have so much packing to do. On top of that I have a ton of laundry, dishes, and trash. But I've done 75% of changing addresses, so that's good. I'm just so exhausted.

Must go back...

Hugs, Kit. I'm sorry you're still struggling.... Reach out to a crisis line if needed. Is it possible to reach out to your T for more support? It is good you're keeping the hospital on the table if needed (though hope it won't be needed)--it shows that deep down, you do want to stay safe.

Keep posting here if it helps.

Hugs, Scarlet.... Moving is so stressful.

Saw ex-MC (with a blonde woman) in Dr. T's parking lot as I was pulling in (he works across the street and often goes to the coffee shop in the first floor, sometimes meeting clients there). I had sunglasses on and was in my car, so pretty sure he wouldn't have known it was me.

The big thing, to me, is that it didn't derail my session at all, like it did the time I saw him while Dr. T and I were meeting outside. I mentioned it to Dr. T right at the beginning of session (he joked about me being in my car, with tinted windows, in sunglasses and a mask, to which I added "and a hat!" like to make myself unrecognizable) and then it was out of my mind. He came up briefly at the end of session, but for another reason, not related to seeing him.

So I think that's definite progress. In many ways, it feels I've moved on. Yes, some stuff that happened with him still affects me some, but it doesn't disrupt up my day to see him.

Crisis chat lines are such crap.

Crisis chat line person told me to take time off of work. I took time off in February and April. I can't just keep taking time off. I need strategies for dealing with this crap at work.

I hope my boss gets back to me and is at least reassuring. She's probably sick of dealing with me too. I would be if I were her. I'm not worth the hassle. I feel like I'm going to be sick. I am trying to decide if more alprazolam is in order (I can take it up to four times in a day and I've only taken it once). But I get sick of relying on medications to make my life more bearable.

I can't get my friend's death out of my head today. And my coworker makes me feel incompetent and worthless and useless and not good at my job. I can't relax today at all. My stomach and chest are so tight. Deep breathing and meditation and stuff are not cutting it.

Does reframing help? It might not but if you start with the co-worker thing. Does it help to remind yourself that your reaction to the co-worker is possibly over the top - 1. the co-worker probably is more focussed on herself than you, 2. you know you are reasonably competent and have value to the company, 3. Even if the co-worker was thinking that about you - so what? But I doubt the co-worker has given you as much thought as you are spending on her.

Thanks stopdog. Yeah, I definitely suck at reframing. It is not a skill that I have (yet).

I told my boss in my Microsoft Teams message to her, that it might be me because of having my friend pass and my depression and suicidal thoughts. So I was not putting the blame on the coworker so much as just telling her that I was upset. Not sure what she can really do about it but she has depression so she is usually pretty helpful in dealing with me.

I told crisis line person that my reaction to coworker is probably an overreaction. But it's hard because it's how I feel and I'm having trouble managing my emotions.

I know my bosses find value in me but sometimes I have imposter syndrome where I feel like I am not really qualified and they are going to find out and fire me. I have an MBA for crying out loud. I have some idea of what I'm doing. Just new things I need to be walked through. Said employee did it for me, sigh, and then told me to do the rest of it and she would check my work later. Not what I asked her to do at all. I learn better by doing.

I think it's more likely that said coworker was just annoyed with me because I was seeking reassurance that she wasn't mad (because she sounded mad on Microsoft Teams but it is hard to tell with written out messages and I'm crap at deciphering how someone is anyway). Said coworker did not want to give reassurance, and okay, that's not her job, but I had asked her to be gentle with me this week because of my friend's death, so it wouldn't have killed her to be nice to me.

She definitely is not thinking about me as much as I am thinking about the situation. I am ruminating, which is never good. I am trying to get distracted but I did all my work this morning so I'm googling "how to manage Schizoaffective disorder at work" and not getting a lot of hits, unfortunately.

I'm hoping my boss will be helpful when she does get back to me but waiting on her to respond to me is terribly anxiety producing. I talked to her on Microsoft Teams at nine and it is one now. I probably will have to wait another hour and a half until the NY office closes and she can focus on the CA office. I hope she gets back to me today.

I'm trying hard to sit with my emotions, and failing. I need to try my best though. I'm trying to utilize all the resources I have.

"I think it's more likely that said coworker was just annoyed with me because I was seeking reassurance that she wasn't mad (because she sounded mad on Microsoft Teams but it is hard to tell with written out messages and I'm crap at deciphering how someone is anyway). Said coworker did not want to give reassurance, and okay, that's not her job, but I had asked her to be gentle with me this week because of my friend's death, so it wouldn't have killed her to be nice to me. "

I may be of no use here because I am not good with reassurance to others - I usually think I am being nice by not engaging with someone but I am a tad misanthropic and to me being left alone is the best thing anyone can do for me. But anyway -it might be something as simple as a difference in what a person thinks makes something nice or not nice in a work situation.

My boss was minimally helpful. If that. She said that said coworker wasn't mad at me, which said coworker did tell me this morning, I just didn't believe her. You know the saying Actions Speak Louder than Words.

My boss said she would call me tomorrow. And that there is nothing to worry about with said coworker. And that she will see if said coworker can visit in June. Great (sarcasm). Said coworker and I have difficulty communicating and getting on well. I try and she probably tries but we don't gel well, which is weird because I get along with most of my coworkers at this office, except one who drives me a bit bananas. But I always feel like said coworker is talking down to me and is being hostile and I don't really want her to visit. I usually only have to deal with said coworker once a week to get bills paid (she has to approve them) and that's enough right there. So a whole week of dealing with her here in my office will be a nightmare. Hopefully she can't come/won't come.

Again - it's like looking in a mirror.

I am very angry with my mother tonight. Not for dying; for not telling me herself her decision to forgo dialysis and enter into hospice care and instead getting my SIL to do it. (She did the same with my sister.)

I wouldn’t have argued the decision; it was her choice. But I do wish she had told me herself. I understand it was easier for her not to.

The whole unexpected illness and death was already like a kick in the stomach.

And tomorrow I see the lawyer to start the probate process and I am feeling overwhelmed by the amount of material I need to collate. My mother has had a lot of it on hand and prepared for years now, but it still needs me to do some work. And I don’t feel like it.

It is overwhelming. I even got a friend of mine to be my atty for my person's estate even though I do probate work as an atty - I just needed him to do it for my emotional well being.

Hugs if wanted SK. You too, Atat.

That's great!

HUGS @@ that sounds really difficult to go through.