Couch 237: Social Rules

I feel numb, frozen, and paralyzed. I don't even know where to start. I look around me and am overwhelmed.

My family doesn't get it. My dad is pushing me to visit my sister Tuesday morning to support her during her restraining order case. I have 10 days to pack 10 rooms, and I can barely move...literally. I'm nauseous due to the stress. And with L gone, I feel alone.

I know I will feel better once the move is over. But it's so stressful to be going through it.

Big news in the GF world: Ben and Jerry’s now has some certified GF flavors (like Phish Food).

On the one hand, great. On the other, Ben and Jerry’s is not on the list of foods I miss.

Yeah, I think there's only one church which distributes food, and it's really far. When I lived in a particular area, I used to go to a temple where they gave away vegetarian meals.

Here, there's so much gatekeeping, opaque criteria, stigma attached to getting help that people give up. Or folks who fall through the cracks in the system, or folks needing more help than what the state can give. For example, you can't get help with utilities or debts from unlicensed money lenders.

I'm in a mutual aid group where there's a daily reality so I had to stop reading as I couldn't do much. I would link resources I'd found (many I didn't qualify for) in response to potentially eligible people with a disclaimer of "if you have the energy..."

I'd just get more depressed so my T kept telling me to narrow my focus from a macro lens to a much more narrow "today, you did what you could for yourself."

My new living environment is pretty good, very grateful for that.

It's one where the landlord doesn't live in the flat with the tenants - which is really hard to find and typically really expensive. I managed to get this place for a good (relative to sky high rent prices) monthly rate by chance. Cooperative flatmates, no one monitors when I leave my room, or how many meals I cook unlike my past 2 landladies.

Yup, here supermarkets toss produce simply because of a few blemishes or because theyre not a perfect colour too, and I always found it ridiculous. Not sure on surplus produce but I wouldn't be surprised if that happens.

It's probably similar in the USA too about how canned food which is near expiry get thrown away. Restaurants too, so there's really good stuff getting dumped at the end of the day.

I used to do a subscription service like yours and suggested it to my T! She was thrilled.

Food aid is also a logistics issue because vehicles like cars, vans, trucks here cost a lot. Most people, including myself, use public transport. Cars are really more of a sign of affluence, where drivers for Uber and taxi companies rent the cars they drive.

Whereas in the USA and my fiancé's nation, you really need a vehicle for daily life in quite a lot of areas, so getting a vehicle is kind of a "coming of age" thing in adolescence?

So organisations need volunteer networks with dedicated folks who can drive to collect all those food at specific timings eg, early morning for some supermarkets, evening for xyz bakeries. Then people to sort produce, pack produce to be distributed at timings convenient to beneficiaries who often work long hours and/or have frequent medical appointments.

Plus all those volunteers need to have jobs where they earn enough plus extra for their needs and where they've free time for all the volunteering.

Narrows the pool quite a bit.

Lemoncake!!! You've been missed.

I hope my T replies to my second email, it was all about my first psychiatrist VS my current one who is going on maternity leave.

I see my psychiatrist one more time before she goes on 4 months (?) maternity leave, so I want to say goodbye although I think I'd cry, when I've never cried in front of her.

I'll have to decide what to do. Do I ask to see another psychiatrist at the same clinic where I'm on financial assistance?

Or do I go with the other option she suggested where I see my Gender Psychiatrist (who is familiar with complex trauma and OSDD-1/DID) who is now in private practice?

Thinking the 1st, though I understand why she suggested the 2nd.

Never been a ben n jerrys fan. I dont like my candy jumping into my mouth frozen, looking for a tooth to crack. Plus you end up getting hardly half a container of ice cream after they put half a ton of candy in there.

Complaining about b n js is the capstone project for your phd in curmudgeonry.

Can't go wrong with some Chubby Hubby or Cherry Garcia though. No candy there.

Phish food has been around for a while, I have been eating it for years.

Sure, but it hasn’t been certified gluten free until very recently, meaning it was off-limits to celiacs like me.

I assume that means they produce certain flavors in a separate, gluten-free plant?

Yes, certified is a higher standard than the FDA gluten free label, which is more ingredients-based.

I always learn stuff when you talk @@!! Thanks for broadening my knowledge base every single time you post!

I've been dealing with anxiety for quite a while. I don't know why I am having it to this extreme. Every day it is a choice to either take medication or battle through it with alternatives: affirmations, deep breathing, mindfulness, meditation, etc. I keep trying to battle through it because I don't want to take medication all the time. But it's an every morning, nausea, almost panic attack feeling and then the anxiety stays with me all day. Hmm. I guess something to bring up in therapy. It just feels like, to me, oh there she goes again, whining about something. Like it's not worth mentioning. But it is starting to really have an effect on my life. I guess it's starting to be something that I just can't ignore away.

Last night in Aftercare we were supposed to watch a Ted Talk on Boundaries. We usually have music therapy for the first hour and then psycho-education for the second hour. But the music therapist was out so the other therapist did some group building exercises. He asked us all questions and we took turns answering. We were having so much fun that he decided to keep doing that in the second hour too and hold off on the boundaries Ted Talk until next week. So I am glad that I went even though I didn't want to go at first.

Hugs to all of you who need it!

Scarlet, I'm sorry you have to deal with this!

Kit, I think it's a good idea to bring up in therapy, it sounds important to you in the current moment! Also, glad you had a good experience in Aftercare.

The Therapy place that I had been calling for the last few months told me that they won't have any openings until at least late-July. I guess I just have to accept that I won't be getting back into Therapy for the foreseeable future.

I'm sorry--could you get put on a list for cancellations maybe?

Well, if there is some sort of list of "most awkward birthday wishes ever," I'm pretty sure I'd be on it for what I just said to Dr. T.

Starting with the long preface/disclaimer, including "I want to say something, but am not sure how you'll react" and his replying, "Well, we have 3 minutes, so maybe don't say anything you'll be too concerned about to the saying" (I wonder if he was bracing for an "I love you" or something?) and my saying how he knows I looked stuff up when I first started seeing him and have a memory for dates, then "I'm sure you know where I'm going now" (I think he said, "Maybe?" or something). And my saying "Happy Birthday" a couple times and his saying something else in response to each, and my finally saying, "I'm trying to wish you a Happy Birthday!" and his smiling and saying "Thank you." And my confirming it wasn't too weird, and his saying "maybe just a tiny bit, but it's OK." I confirmed again right when I left, of course.

I probably should have just let it go, but it was kind of in the back of my mind all session, and it felt right saying it.

They just said to call back in late-July, although they have said in the past to call back around certain times and they always said they were completely booked.

I don't know if I want to be on a cancelations list because I don't really want to be bouncing from one Therapist to the next, plus I would like to have a steady time so I can fit it into my schedule.

I wish this whole Depp v. Heard thing would just go away. I'm not following it, but it's hard to avoid at the same time.

On a possibly related note, I'm feeling really something that it feels like I can't speak about major events in my life. It feels like no one gives a crap, no one wants to listen, my mom wants to pretend my husband never existed, I'm making too big a deal about what happened, it wasn't actually a big deal, I should be past it all by now, etc., etc., etc. Feeling shut down. I don't want to go to therapy tomorrow, but if I email him and tell him that am I just really looking for attention? Am I an awful person because I want some attention?

NP_Complete, you are ABSOLUTELY NOT an awful person because you want some attention. Babies cry when they want attention, but pretty much no one thinks a baby is attention seeking! Likewise adults do need attention as well. We need comfort, we need validation, we need reassurance, we need someone to SEE us for who we are, and what we have been through. I am sorry that you are feeling really shut down about major events in your life and that people don't care. I can relate to that some but I don't want to detract from your post. Everyone deserves to be seen. Everyone deserves to be able to tell their story when and how they wish and to have that validated. Everyone deserves to take up space. I am sending you warm, enveloping hugs and I am letting you know that I care. It might not mean much, just some random person in the internet but right now, in this moment, I am seeing you, in the pain you are in for being shut down, and I feel the pain with you. You are not alone. HUGS. Kit

I see you haven't met my mother.

HUGS Comrade

I'm sorry you're dealing with these feelings. Could your therapist maybe give you some of the attention you're seeking, if you go to the session? Could you tell him beforehand that you need attention and what sort you're looking for? You're certainly not an awful person for wanting that. (Is it possible you got those messages from your mom from long ago, and now she's just reinforcing them?)

I know for me, if I'm feeling invalidated by my mom or others in my life, validation from my therapist can be helpful and healing. Could you tell him that you really need validation, to be heard, etc.?

And hugs, if wanted.

I don't think babies are attention-seeking, but, man, plants...all they do is sit there and say "FEED ME."

(Why I do not own plants. My sister better get back here before my mother's houseplants and/or garden die from me neglecting them.)

NP, I think things come off as attention-seeking when people aren't honest about what they're feeling or needing. Like we all have at least one of those annoying people in our lives that drops dark hints about Something Wrong but leaves you guessing--that's attention-seeking. I don't get the sense you're that kind of person.