Couch 237: Social Rules

I agree with EM, you shouldn't have to do this.

I also wonder at the use of zoom for such a sensitive setting. It's not an allowed software for therapy in my country, cause it's data protection is ****.

Yeah, I have also wondered about the data protection of Zoom. My IOP uses Zoom too for our group therapy. But I always wonder if there isn't better therapy software other than Zoom out there. My Pdoc uses one that is not Zoom and appears to be for medical purposes but I can't remember the name of it. But like you have a "virtual office" that you go to, and sign in to, and then type your name and then pretty soon he is on camera.

I just postponed my GP appt from next monday to the end of may. Ive been exercising and generally doing better; i hope to continue this so im not totally wiped out by the visit like last time. But this time i will take lyft or zipcar, not the bus and get lost wandering all over the planet. My eye dr appt is next thursday, i will see if i can do my labs the same day.

Hopefully i will have clean clothes etc by then. Goals.

Sounds like you have a plan, Una!

My oldest nephew's birthday is tomorrow. He is turning 20. How is that possible?!! Where did the time go?! How am I old enough to have a nephew in his twenties?! Yikes. Time flies. His card with money got mailed on Saturday so he should have it by his birthday. I always give them money for their birthday as I have no idea what they want or need. I got him one of those pop up cards from Lovepop. It has a dog eating pizza that pops up out of the card. I hope he at least gets a smile out of it. I thought it was cute. I worry about him though. He seems adrift. He doesn't seem to have any goals. I know that I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life when I was twenty either but I was working and going to school at a community college. Since I didn't know what I wanted to do it made sense to go to community college where I could take all sorts of classes. I ended up graduating with like 96 units when you only needed 60. But I experienced a lot of different classes and got to see what I liked and didn't like. At his age, I owned a car that I paid for. He has a truck that his parents paid for. He isn't going to college. He took one semester, decided he doesn't like it and stopped going. He works extremely part time. Like some weeks, not at all. And he picks up his siblings from school and takes them to school. I just worry that he is going to spend a lot of time adrift and miss out on stuff. But he will find his way. I have to believe that. Just their family system is so toxic that I worry about him/all the children. He never goes out with friends or hangs out with anyone romantically. Just sits at home. I was hoping he would get inspired by his job and think about going to real estate school or something. But he says he doesn't want to do anything at all. I wish I knew more of how to inspire him or get him excited about anything at all. Even a hobby. Or volunteering. Or looking for a better paying job. Hmm. I worry about my boy but I am also aware that I am limited in my influence and what I am actually able to do for him. Soon my niece will (hopefully) graduate from high school. She is supposed to graduate June 3rd. She has missed a lot of school so I hope she can hang onto her grades for these last few weeks. She doesn't want to do anything either. Doesn't want to go to school or get a job or go out of the house to hang out with friends or anything. My heart hurts for these kiddos.

I keep knitting slippers for ToddlerManatee and she keeps outgrowing them. I feel a little guilty about not making any for BabyManatee, but he barely keeps socks on at this stage. Slippers would be a lost cause.

I bet you are making precious memories for ToddlerManatee. And you will make one day with BabyManatee.

I still have dolls that my cousin's grandma (who we also called grandma) made for me, I think it was crocheted. I wasn't allowed to play with them as a child, they sat on a shelf and when she would make me a new one, I would make room for the new one. It was lovely. I had one doll I was allowed to play with that was store bought. It didn't look like me and I had trouble relating to the doll as if she were my baby because she didn't look like me. My sister's doll looked like her and my sister's doll was perfect. Her hair was perfect, whereas my dolls hair was matted and unkempt even though I tried to brush it. I have both of those dolls still. My sister's doll perfect in hair style still and in a pink ballerina costume. But my doll looks loved on, even if I didn't relate to her. With her hair sticking up and a dress that my other grandma sewed for her. I still to this day do not understand why my parents bought me a doll with different skin color, hair color, and eye color than me. I remember them telling me, here is your baby, and I remember thinking, why doesn't she look like me? Maybe I was never supposed to be a mum. Even back then. Maybe I knew it deep inside. But I still loved that doll. Maybe I would have been a good mum. I don't know. I have strayed way off topic.

EM, I think it's sweet you make ToddlerManatee slippers.

Kitty i get that. I gave my nephew a nice check for his graduation and he bought a tv with it. That just broke my heart.

Also - i sooo wanted a blonde bride doll for my last doll. My mother chose a floozy looking doll in a sparkly red dress. It sat on her bed and i rarely played with it. I still have it too.

doxy.me? My therapist used that for a bit. Still may for all I know.

No that's not the name of my Pdoc's one but it is very similar to that. I think the pdoc's one is called simple health. Something like that. But yeah, I've used Doxy.me for healthcare purposes. I don't know how good their platform is either but I feel comforted that most of my doctors seem to use it.

maybe it's not simple health. Maybe it's simple practice. Something like that. I've used it probably 10 times and I can't think of the name!

Kit, I understand being concerned about that. My cousin who is 13 years (I think?) younger than me worried me for a while. He was going to study art in college, then dropped out after a couple semesters. Then was going to bike around the country. Then lived in a Buddhist monastery (in the US) for maybe a year. Eventually, he settled on working on boats and at some point (I think?) getting his ship captain's license. He's making a good living now (restoring historic boats), owns a home (and I think also another place that he rents out on airbnb), and is also getting married either later this year or next year. So he just took some time to figure everything out.

So Covid numbers are rising considerably in our area. Dr. T had said a few weeks ago that he wasn't too concerned, as hospitalization and death rates aren't rising. Then in a recent session, he said he's been keeping an eye on the numbers and a bit concerned. He'd said consistenly since we resumed in person a couple months ago that he intended to give me a week's notice (which would 2 or 3 sessions depending on his interpretation of "a week") if he decides to go back to virtual.

Then today, I was confirming near the end of session that he'd give me a week's notice, of course barring something like his testing positive or having a known exposure (which I'd understand would be immediate virtual). He said, "Well, I don't know if I could give a full week" and said how there are other factors at play. Like other people's opinions he'd have to consider, saying something like, "She might insist on something, and I'd have to listen to her." Me: "'She' being your wife?" Him: "Yes." I said I understood.

But there's also this (perhaps selfish?) part of me that's thinking he told me he'd be able to give a week's notice (again, barring something like testing positive), and now he's sort of pulling back on that. And the week thing was making me feel more secure, like at least I'd still have a couple in-person sessions to process it. Plus it feels like he's sort of abdicating responsibility if he says it could be based on what his wife said. It's different in a way to me if he says, "I'm sorry, I just don't feel comfortable continuing in person" vs. "My wife won't let me continue in person." Even if he says the reason he's choosing not to continue is "I don't want to put my wife or son at risk," it's more him owning the decision. Does that make sense? Like "I'm making this decision" vs. "Someone is forcing my hand." Just trying to work through this in my mind before I potentially bring it up with him next session.

[Braces self for everyone telling me how selfish I am.]

I'm sorry, LT. That doesn't sound selfish to me at all. There's definitely a difference. I hope you are able to carry on working in person for as long as possible.

Thanks, Lost. That helps to hear.

I'm also sorry LT. I don't think it sounds selfish either. Like you were depending on having that week to process and deal with going back to virtual and now he seems to be pulling back on his word. That' s kind of a trust issue. And you are right, it does sound like he is abdicating responsibility by pushing it off on his wife. Not owning the decision himself. That would bother me too. HUGS if wanted, Kit

Thanks, Kit. The validation helps. Of course it was something that came out right as I was leaving--I was hoping he'd reaffirm the week thing, but nope! Had I not just emailed him yesterday morning (was a good exchange), I might have done that, but I'll just talk to him next session about it--at the beginning, not the end!

In terms of the week's notice, he may just not want to be guaranteeing me something that he might need to pull back on, like making promises he can't keep, but he already kind of did that, so.... But maybe he realized he shouldn't have told me it would be that long of a lead time.

Omg you sound like my exMIL who gave me money for my birthday one year to 'buy something nice' soi bought a rare first edition of a book that i absolutely love and she was disappointed i didnt buy something like a dress. I bet its a really nice tv. You know once you give a gift you have no control over what someone does with it, it is theirs now.
Thats not say i dont understand where you are coming from as money is a valuable commodity especially if it is scarce.

Just discovered Dennis Waterman died. I loved him in Minder and i think he was in The Sweeney too. Wasnt on my celebrity death bingo card

Weird, my mother’s death definitely was not on my 2022 bingo card.

Not really going through the house yet—my sister will be back in a couple weeks, so waiting for her on most stuff. But was doing basic inventory and found what I’m pretty sure is a 19th century cupping set—my mother collected old medical oddities. Total una, of course.

Couch is same sofa? 🤔

Back from doing a bunch of things for my friend's 40th birthday. Had a great time today.

@@ - an old cupping set, that is so cool! But i would say its more stopdog than me.

LT - Yeahbut if YOU were telling him what to do, you would want him to obey, no?

Daf - his parents could easily afford a tv. What bothered me was that he wasnt living life. He was watching tv.

AA - I am more the cupper - Exhankster would be interested if you find a jar of leeches - she needs a pet or pets depending on how many are in the jar.

I agree that once you have given a present - what the recipient does with it is up to them. You cannot control another persons life even if it isn't the life you would want.

Yeah. The tv was more of a wake-up call for me.