Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

OK, but is it supposed to be more about my T's feelings than mine? What am I paying him for? If we were friends, of course I'd prioritize his feelings. But we're not.

You know if you eat properly, getting into shape might be much easier.

Dear T,
Maybe I need to terminate. I just feel really awful about the relationship right now and what I apparently am to you--a dollar sign, and one that isn't big enough. I was going to offer to pay more, but I can't do your full fee, so you probably still wouldn't be happy. If I leave, then you have the opportunity to make another $180 a week, likely on clients who are much easier and who don't bother you with emails on the weekends. I thought maybe on some level, you (platonically) loved me, even though you'd never say those words. Now, I don't think so. I wish I hadn't sent that email Friday night. I should have known better. Though if my insurance company was competent in how they handle invoices, this conversation would have never happened.

--LT

I've been eating close to 2000 calories a day and lifting weights 4-5 times a week yet I keep losing weight despite that not being my goal. I can see progress though.

I don't know what part in my post I said I was struggling with getting into shape. What I meant was I am at a loss right now without being with a therapist.

LT- money is always such a painful and sensitive issue in therapy. Your T must be aware of that. You have every right to expect him to respond with kindness, understanding and compassion and not to make it about himself or take offence. Obviously T's are only human but if he has reacted defensively he needs to own that and accept it has hurt you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having those expectations of T regardless of his particular stance.

Apologies, Mountaindewed. I misinterpreted your posts these days to assuming you didn't eat enough. My mistake, obviously. I hope you'll be okay.

Thanks, Lonely. I appreciate your comments. You're right that money is a touchy issue in therapy, and it's one for me in general, too (just ask my H!).

I don't even know who I'm writing to at this point honestly. My eating sucked yesterday. I was way under my calorie goal and I worked out so hard I hurt myself. I had a dream about my transference T and I woke up missing her. But my anxiety got better the more I woke up. My stomach pain still sucks. I wonder if I damaged my spleen. I was smart enough not to work out today. I got out to the store for the first time in days to get some healthy foods. But I am still physically not hungry today but mood wise I am doing decently besides thie pain and I'm ok with being without a theapist right now.

I sent Alan an email yesterday with a question that has been with me since the service.
When he replied, he didn't answer my question, but offered me another meeting.
I've accepted, and yet still feel frustrated by my inability to ask for help and accept it when it is offered.

Dear T,

Thanks for all that today. I was super anxious before the session. And partway through, I was wondering if I was just squandering the hour, especially when you said how it seemed like I felt I needed to talk about what happened, but wasn't sure what to say, so I was just saying things. You were right, and I think it helped us find a direction.

I feel we had some really important discussion about the money, a possible enactment, what I share and look for from you, and the comparison in how I react to you vs. ex-MC, even if you say the exact same thing. I'll need to think on that some more, why that is. And how it seems I'm much more able to believe that he loved/cared for me as compared to you--which also seemed a bit like your admitting to that without coming right out and saying so. I'll just choose to take it that way. It did almost feel like you were jealous of his ability to affect me so positively. But like you said, it's likely his effusiveness.

I hope it's OK that I didn't let go of your hand as quickly as usual when we shook hands today. I think I just needed a bit of nonverbal reassurance, after all we'd talked about.

Love,
LT

I'm kinda glad I'm not seeing you for awhile after today and I'm not seeing the new one until December. You said you would get updates though so I may still get into trouble if I tell her.

Dear T
I want to be held so much right now. I wonder if you would ever sit on the floor with me and hold me

Dear T, thank you for being honest and for still being there despite the worries and fears you had when we started working together. I noticed you self-disclose more these days, and also the other offices are actually being used. Did I pass some sort of test for having behaved well this past year? I need to do some work today, but I don't want to think. I came home with a ringing in my ears. This is hard.

Being able to ask you that question entails finding the words.



I have been holding this for almost 18 months, and I don't know what to do with it any more.

Dear T,
I'm not entirely sure how I feel about today's session. I felt good after Monday's, though was maybe a little insecure in how you felt about a couple things I said. I'd hoped to walk in today and be able to look at you and know in the first moment that everything is OK. I didn't get that.

But I know I was also reacting to what I'd shared and concerned that today's session was right before a 5-day break. And I wonder if I was distancing myself, too? And so I felt a distance between us that I thought was all you, but was actually in part, maybe even in large part, coming from me?

If tomorrow were not a holiday, there's a decent chance I'd have sent you a very brief email confirming that everything is OK. And I imagine it probably would still be OK if I did that--you'd likely either reply tonight or Friday (or maybe just tomorrow like normal). But I think this gives me a chance to trust in the relationship and in what you said. (Like the thing about how you've never regretted answering my initial email for a session.) It gives me an opportunity to try on secure attachment.

I'm going to do my best to not reach out to you before our session Monday. I'm trying to look back at today's session and see the ways that we did connect and where you did provide a sense of reassurance. It's already working some (maybe this is a little-known side effect of the Covid booster?) I'm also going to think about how a 5-day break could be good for the relationship, with all of the contact in the past week or so. That the distance might be good. Maybe some things that feel very important and pressing now will fade away a bit.

I mean, there's a chance this experiment fails miserably (or some really bad outside life thing happens), and I'm totally freaking out about the relationship, say, Friday night, in which case I give myself permission to type up an email, then give it a waiting period until at least early Saturday. Or save it until we meet Monday. But I'm going to try it. I figure if I look at it as something I'm going to try, then I'll be happy if I achieve it, vs. beating myself if I don't meet my goal.

I hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving.
Love,
LT

ugh. just...ugh.

and now it's another week of waiting to talk. (yes, i know i can email, but when it feels like you weren't really listening during the session, is there any point?) (and yes, i know you said you were listening and didn't mean to talk over me, but it derailed the session and i didn't get anything i needed from it.)

therapy is so bl^^dy tiring.

To the new one: fight me, you idiot.

Happy Thanksgiving, L.

I wonder if that crazy dream about the savage pet monkey that wouldn't stop viciously attacking me, biting me, clawing at me, was a metaphor in some way for those things that I just don't know how to let go of. I don't know how to get them off me, and yet even when I do, after a monumental effort, all I do is lock them in a cage, keep them as tightly constrained as I can, so they can't do that to me again. But they keep multiplying, just like the monkey. Giving birth to these horrific, disgusting monkey babies, and I know I need to keep feeding them. I can't let them die. So what do I do? I keep it as hidden as possible, in my dream the cage was covered with a thick cloth, and I just tried to pretend that there was nothing there, even though I knew I would never be rid of my secret.

I've just realised that my latest email could be interpreted as me having lost my job.
I still have my job, so that's something.

I thought my first therapy session wasn't until the 5th. But its actually on Thursday. It should be interesting since its a late afternoon appointment and I'm my best and most alert in the morning. I don't know what to expect though since I stopped expecting awhile ago.

I think what I miss the most about therapy is feeling accepted.

I have made notes for Tuesday. Let's see whether I can have the conversation that I need.

It's been a while in the making.

Dear T,

OK, I made it without emailing (even if I were for some reason to email tonight or tomorrow morning, I feel we're past the holiday weekend). I suppose I sent the one about the invoice today, but that was a clerical thing, and I didn't want to take up session time on it. (I imagine you were relieved when you saw it was clerical, not clinical!)

I need to decide whether to bring up a couple things tomorrow (they're related, but different). I feel like a Monday is a good time to bring them up. But then, I don't know, maybe I'll need more time to feel connected? I think I just need to see what I feel like when I'm talking to you. Maybe I could sort of test the waters before diving in. But I also don't want to wait until the last 15 minutes of session, if possible. So, we'll see....

Love,
LT

Nice to 'talk' with you in my dream this morning, L. Kinda bummed that the alarm went off before I saw what you were typing in the dream-text! I think after work I'll do a dream re-entry and see if I can suss out what it was. I haven't done a dream re-entry in a while, hope I remember how. Prolly like riding a bike eh.....