Couch 242: madam i'm adam

You are so wise @@. I needed to hear this too. Thanks.

Congratulations!

That's great, Artie!

Ooh. I hope you love it!

I'm so glad someone is there to help. I can never work those things either. And I hope your session goes well today, LT.

I find myself reading, and rereading the brief email I have from new potential T. I think I have been hurting so much trying to get help that I am so scared and yet excited at the possibility of getting more decent help. But I am trying not to "read into" the conversation on email and take it at face value. I want so much to believe there is hope for me and that this person can help me get there.

Thanks, Kit!

I hope she turns out to be the T that can help you get there.

and now, for the reveal, I loooooooooove it!! caveat: it is SUPER DUPER windy outside today so it kinda blew around a bit before I got to my car and took this pic. I'll leave it up briefly:

ok that was long enough

Nice, Artie! I like it!

Hugs Kit I really hope this T can help you and I'm sorry you've been hurting so much, you so deserve to feel love and happiness and I think it's a good thing that you're excited at the possibility that this potential t can help.

I'm glad he stopped and helped you, it is wonderful when a random stranger restores our faith in humanity. i've been helped like that as well, the last time I got a flat tire. And glad that it wasn't on your way to see Dr T as that would have added another level of stress which nobody needs.

Thanks Kit! I was almost bouncing up and down in the chair I was so delighted when she finished!

Of course I missed the reveal... Glad you like the cut, Artie! I'd say to message the pic to me, but I'd understand if you'd feel uncomfortable about doing so.

Had a really good discussion with Dr. T today, It was difficult, but we covered a lot of ground. Near the end of session, I said to him: "I know this is probably not something you're supposed to say, or maybe you'll just turn the question right back at me. But do you want to keep working with me?" He paused for a moment, then looked right at me and said, "I do want to continue working with you. I think there's more that we can accomplish."

He also said early in session that he thought I was testing out leaving, in cancelling Wednesday (he was correct, which I told him). At the end, he said, "I'm glad you came back in." Which meant a lot to me. I said, "Me, too."

After the discussion today, I think I want to move forward with him. We also talked about my considering what his philosophy on therapy is and to think about what it is I want in a T. If this is "good enough therapy" (like the "good enough" parent), or if I want something different. And whether those different things could ultimately help me. Also how we'd been through a lot of things together. I said "The pandemic," and he listed a few other things (like political turmoil).

It just feels like he's still invested in helping me, and I think that's what I needed to hear. And he said he knows we need to talk through more things (like in the therapeutic relationship) and that they might be difficult, but he's prepared for that. Also that much of my struggle right now comes from my past, and we need to address that aspect more. Which I agreed with.

Maybe I'm being stupid or delusional, but I do feel like I want to continue with him, to see this through. Need to decide what to do about my potential T appointment on Tuesday (I did *not* mention that to him, but he knows I was thinking about leaving).

Thanks, Artie! Glad you've also been helped that way.

HUGS LT. I am glad that you had a good, and productive, session with Dr. T. And it is good to hear that he is still invested in you and wants to work with you. I also think what you all talked about regarding his approach to therapy and whether that is good enough or if you would benefit from another approach is a helpful topic, one that I would be interested in consulting with your T on Tuesday about. I also think it is good that he recognized you were on the brink of leaving. Maybe he did a little soul searching then. I hope you can have a relaxing evening and rest in the fact that Dr. T does care even though he doesn't show it necessarily in ways usually that is helpful to you. HUGS Kit

Spent some time chatting on the 988 hotline. Probably an hour or so. It was nice to be heard and taken seriously, without the other person freaking out on me. Hopefully that will get me through until my therapy session on Monday. We made a safety plan. So now I just gotta follow it. Easier said than done I suppose. But I am worth trying to do it.

I'm glad you had such a good conversation, LT. I do think it might be worth keeping the appointment on Tuesday (since it's already scheduled anyway) and talking to S about your conversation, your therapy plans, and maybe what to do if you feel shamed by him again. You might also get some insight into whether there is value in discussing the therapeutic relationship with him or whether that's part of what's keeping you stuck in the first place.

I'm glad you had a good session today, LT.

Thanks, Artie!

Thanks, EM! I just have this fear she's going to tell me I'm an idiot for still seeing him (as I told her some stuff about him in the consult). Though I imagine a good T wouldn't say that anything a possible client would do is idiotic... Or that she will be annoyed with me for wasting her time. And that if I see her for this first appointment and don't continue, then I will have burned a bridge with her, and if, say, 3 months from now, I realize I do want a different T, she will no longer be an option.

Although I suppose I could ask her about that. I imagine she wouldn't turn me away (if she had available slots) if I said I wasn't ready now, but contacted her a few months from now to ask for a session. I mean, if I saw her for intakes 3 times and then never continued, I could see her being done with me. But once, probably not.

I think I'm also afraid I'll be confused if I talk to her and doubt my decision. And also that I'll feel like I need to tell Dr. T that I saw her (out of guilt), and that will lead to a new rift between us. (If I didn't see her, I wasn't planning on telling him.)

I guess I have a couple days to think about this. The appointment is Tuesday morning, and I think she requires 24 hours notice. I wish I was able to see Dr. T one more time before deciding whether to meet with her, but the Monday session is within the 24 hours, so I'd have to decide before that.

I'll think about it. I need to see how the Dr. T session settles over the next 24 hours or so, too. Like, I feel good about it now, but that is subject to change.

What's sort of funny is that Dr. T was saying how his philosophy is that with each client, he wants to eventually work his way out of a job, like, to have them no longer need him. And he wants to know whether I am OK with that philosophy. Meanwhile, the potential new T includes exactly that phrase on her website!

So I don't know...

one more time briefly and not as wind-blown.

Look how cute you are!!!

That looks great on you! Thanks for sharing.