Couch 242: madam i'm adam

So, I completely forgot h's birthday today. He told his friend that I forgot and his friend texted me a reminder. I guess it's no surprise that I forgot, the way things have been around my house lately with me working so much and all the fighting. But still I feel bad.

Okay, so he is sometimes PURPOSELY mean to you, like when he gloats about losing weight. Did i miss the part where he thanks you for cooking in way to even make that possible, or is he doing all the shopping and cooking now?

And, you, who are under extreme stress and relentless overtime, as well as needing to see your t in order to stay on an even keel, honestly (if possibly unconsciously!) forget your sweetheart's birthday? Yeah, not comparable in terms of viscosity (cuz everybody on the webs says viscous when they mean viscious).

Thanks una. I appreciate that. He's not mad or anything. I'm the one who's upset at myself. Because I'm just broken like that.

Got a GP appointment for Monday and messaged GP in the portal to tell her I am having severe anxiety and panic attacks surrounding this. So that way she is prepared.

Glad you can see her Monday. Good idea telling her that you were anxious. When I had an appointment with a new Gyn last year and was really anxious about something that had happened with a previous one, I messaged her to let her know. I feel like it helped.

And hugs...also sorry your T canceled tonight. I hope you can see her before Monday.

I'm glad you got a sooner appt and hope it goes as well as possible.

the only clothing items I've ever made were a baby dress for my niece, lots of hats, and many pairs of slippers. Never attempted a sweater or adult dress! The patterns scare me off I should be working on the doggie-ghan right now but am heading to bed instead.

Night couch!

Ya know what, that perfection thing or whatever it is - "i'm good even if they aren't" - is something i clung to and so did watsername - granite. Jesus said to turn the other cheek, but hey i think it was self-indulgent, cuz its easier to do this than to address whatever the real issue is, for which we would surely be rejected. Thats how it worked for me.

I was with ex-T for almost two years. In the beginning, if I wrote her, she would reply, but would tell me that she would only speak to my therapist, not me. For at least the last 4 years, I haven't left a return address. I also don't sign with my married name. I don't want a reply. I know what her reply would be: tell your therapist to contact me. T did twice for me and it caused hell in our relationship. She was put in the middle and would receive my anger because I couldn't communicate it to ex-T. I will not do that to L. I know L would be willing, but I'm not.

I do think writing her every year is hindering me in some ways. I'm not moving on. I'm still holding onto my anger and grief. And it tortures me. She's a ghost who haunts me. I know I will never get the closure I want from her. I know I can't trust anything she says. And still, this time of year triggers me, that I need to remind her.

I told L that I want to process this with her. That I don't want to write ex-T even though I have the urge to. I want to be free of ex-T.

It's not too late. I don't think I could wait a week or two after the date. Part of the purpose is to remind her of the date. I definitely can write it up and share it with L. That may be really helpful in that we can figure out why I want to say anything to her. Like why must I write a letter? Why don't I just write a sentence or two instead? Why do I say anything at all? And what am I getting out of this and how is it harming me?

Nope, just the Romans.

I don't even know the story, @ScarletPimpernel, but I hurt for you. Maybe she'll be so riddled with guilt that she'll die on that date . (Sorry, dark humor.)

Those suckers will break your elbows!

Oh wow. More for me to write about, there is wisdom in your words m'dear. I'm getting a clearer picture of myself that I'm not much liking rn.

H just left on a delivery to new mexico, he'll probably get home just as I am getting off work so it will be a nice quiet day for me.

I remember defending my "goodness" to my long term t in the 70s and 80s, and finally giving it up with my last t. It was like i and the family were playing two different board games. I know i dont like to engage in a lot of stuff, i would much rather sit out.

Here's the doggie-ghan with today's additions, I'm almost out of the variegated gray yarn so I think it may be done as soon as I weave in the ends, it's 29 inches across rn. May do another round of black, dunno yet:

Sometimes in order to get beyond something that keeps coming up for us, we have to change direction. Sounds like you may realize that annually addressing this old wound the same way is keeping you a bit stuck in it. Perhaps it is time to address it a different way so you can feel some movement.

Yes, I agree. I'm stuck in this pattern. When L and I find time, I'm hoping processing this this time will help me quit. I think when I processed this with T, it was about moving past it enough to survive. But I don't need ex-T anymore. I don't really need closure. I have closure in T and L. I'm in a way different place. I think/hope that I can let this go. I hope by processing this with L, it will be the change in direction I need.

Hello couch. I haven't posted anything in a long time, but some of you might still remember me... I hope.

You know what's going on in my home country and I'm terrified about it. I'm abroad now and I'm really happy about it. There are a lot of challenges, but I'm glad I was able to leave this place. I'm not sure what to do next, but I want to say that I'm happy I met you and I really love this forum, even though I don't post much anymore.

HUGS captgut

Hugs, captgut.

My Uncle went back to prison, it seems like he can never stop getting in trouble.

Evening, Couch.


I found out yesterday that one of my poems has been accepted for publication in a magazine.

It's a print publication, so there's no chance of it disappearing from the Internet.

Congratulations LostOnTheTrai! What an accomplishment! Great job! HUGS Kit