Couch 242: madam i'm adam

I think sometimes our inner voice can lead us astray. My inner voice told me to stick it out and keep trying to fix things and I ended up staying in an unhealthy relationship for far too long. My inner voice can get off path sometimes because of things that have happened in my past. This may not be happening with you and if you ultimately decide to stay with Dr. T, I have absolutely no judgement and will still be here to provide support. I do agree with those who've said it might be a good idea to at least take a break and see what this new therapist might have to offer. Listen to your gut, but keep in mind your gut might be lying to you.

I have known my inner voice to change on a topic from week to week. It’s often also hard to tell an inner voice from the desires or fears that are part of our psyche.

LT, taking a break is not the same as stopping work with.

Artie! From a snowman in the birdbath to forsythia blooming in one week?!

Right? The weather has been very confused here!!

@Art

I found this person yesterday on youtube.

Think you would like him too. I actually fell asleep listening whilst I had this playing the background and watching a documentary about Napoleon - got too relaxed at 8pm!



I imagine I'm in the shire with this one:

I believe this too. Your inner dialogue can be affected everything else you've already gone through and your core beliefs about yourself.

The thing is, you are already trying so hard in therapy as it is. Asking for reassurance and checking in with the emails is because you don't feel secure in the first place. Him choosing not to respond is intermittent reinforcement and your logical thinking brain may not automatically calm your underlying anxiety. Your brain will still come up with 101 possible reasons why he hasn't responded.

You need to work on feeling safe in the relationship and when you actually do feel secure enough you won't feel the constant need to message so much . I fully get it but Dr T's specialty has always been the sports stuff. I remember your first rupture over the stone. He didn't seem to understand then either.

Do you truly believe he still has the skills to help you or is it the attachment?

@@ Said the exact same thing to me about Rob. "It's hurting you". I honestly could not imagine leaving at the time either, because I was super attached. I'm so glad I finally did make that choice eventually but I wish I had left sooner. I haven't seen him since that last session. The constant ruptures were draining. I've not had one since I started working with Fin and It feels so much healthier. I don't over message. There's no drama about emails or erotic transference because I actually feel like I can trust him. I actually fell asleep on the floor during a meditation we were doing together. I do feel like I've made more progress with him in 8 months then I ever did in 3.5 years of traditional therapy. He's not making up new rules about not responding when he previously did. I don't mean to be anti Dr T but you deserve so much better. I hope you can see that too one day.

Change is hard LT, but is it worth the pain of the current frequent ruptures you seem to be going through. Like @@ said why not give the new T a go for 6 sessions then come back if you still want to.

I also have OCD traits!

I didn't see your new hair dooooo, but so proud you get it done!

if you're still logged on - here you go i'll take it back down shortly

Aww you look so cute. It makes a huge difference from the last photograph I saw.

I'm so glad you love it.

Your jumper also matches your eyes!

awww thanks! I super-love it. And, I've washed it twice now since I got it cut and both times I am able to actually style it like the stylist did! I was not born with the hair-doin' gene haha.

H hasn't seen it yet, he's still out of town. He'll prolly hate it, but I don't care. I compromised already by putting henna on it so it's not gray, but that's all he gets. I get to have it any length or style I want besides that. I would prefer to just let it go gray naturally, myself.

crazy early spring weather here - it is almost 70 here and the crocus (crocae? croci?) are coming out

If your husband is so invested in women's hairstyles, I would suggest he gets a woman's haircut for himself. He could even colour it if he liked. That way he gets to control his hair and indulge his interest in women's hairstyling whilst you make your own decisions about your own body.

Agreed!

One thing I really appreciate about my H is that he told me that the bit of gray hair I have in the front looked sexy (and seemed to mean it). And he just wants me to have whatever hairstyle I'm happy with. I leave his hair and facial hair choices alone, too. (I did give some fashion advice earlier when we got together, but now I'm just like "eh, whatever he feels like wearing," even though he basically lives in Under Armour hoodies and the like.)

RIP Richard Belzer. I loved him in Homicide and L&O: SVU. I met him briefly at a book signing years ago (and have the signed book somewhere!), and he was very kind.

My partner used to want me to shave my legs and other areas until he realized how much work it is and how little it actually does. Looks and other such choices are so specific... I couldn't deal with certain smells, but that's just me.

I love this times 1000. Thank you. He'd said looking at my gray hair makes him feel old. (It wasn't even all gray - just some silver strands here and there throughout the blonde, that I actually thought was pretty but what do I know.) Besides, boo f'ing hoo I'm 60 and you're 67. We ARE old. Get over it. And why am I never enough for you exactly as I am?! I believe that was the beginning of all the recent fighting - to try to keep the peace I went ahead and henna'd it but that didn't stop all the fighting, did it. Nope. I hated the color so much - even after I toned it down a little with a 2nd application of light brown - and that resentment apparently just kept building. I admit it gave me great pleasure watching it be chopped away the other day.

I really do love it short though, regardless of the color.

I think Lemon makes some good points here. LT, I would also suggest that you notice (as non-judgmentally as possible) two things when you are trying to cope/self-soothe when you resist the impulse to contact Dr. T. One is the quality of the way you're talking to yourself: is it a reassuring tone? is it threatening, like "you better not contact him or else you'll ruin everything!"? Does the new habit actually make you feel better or are you really just white knuckling your way through? The other thing is to see whether resisting the urge to contact him is associated with an increase in maladaptive coping skills (drinking, self-harm, going numb, checking out, etc). I think these two observations together will help you tease out whether you're becoming more secure or whether you're giving the appearance of being more secure while still suffering inside.

Croci. Masculine second declension.

Speaking of which, can anyone else not taste saffron?

Those are good questions. Not counting the last 6 weeks or so (when I was emailing more often), I'd say it was making me feel better, not contacting him, and not really tied to an increase in maladaptive coping skills.

There would be times when after session (or maybe that evening), I'd have this thought of wanting to reach out to him. But I came to learn that it was often a fleeting feeling, that it would subside. That if I could sort of ride the wave of it, I wouldn't feel the need to reach out anymore. Sometimes, I would type up what I wanted to say and save it in my draft folder. Other times, it didn't even get beyond thinking of it in my head.

If the need was still there, I'd try other coping mechanisms, like talking to a friend about it (or about other things), maybe posting here, some sort of distraction like TV or getting out of the house, etc. If I still felt the need to email, then maybe I'd send it that evening or wait until early in the morning to see if I still felt it.

Sometimes, if it was, say, about stress with D, I could tell myself what he'd likely say in response, hearing it in his voice in my head. And that would help (so I wouldn't need to send anything). Or if I was worried about something we'd discussed in session, I'd tell myself how he'd seemed fine during session and when I was leaving, so it's probably OK. (Of course, if he *hadn't* seemed fine--like with some of the love stuff--then I couldn't comfort myself that way.)

So I think I was in fact becoming more secure, which naturally led to less of a want/need to email. Until some of the stuff starting around mid-November (I know when because it was around my H's surgery) when we had a couple conflicts right in a row. Even then, I didn't email much in December (looking back).

I think that's part of why I feel especially bad about this email conflict, because I *had* been doing better and needing it less (and he agreed with that). It was like an email relapse or something. But it was fueled by feeling less secure in the relationship (he also was out of town for a week in there, which contributed). Hm, so maybe I need to start thinking of feeling the need to email as a symptom of feeling less secure, which is something I should probably address directly in session (or do some journaling about it) instead of seeking connection via email.

Munch was my favorite character.

He will be missed.

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Night couchies.... time for this girl to hit the sack, hopefully Mayfair Witches is on tonight then I'll fall asleep........

I know I've shared this before LT but alot of your dynamic with your T resonates with the dynamic my T and I have. There have been some ruptures that have resulted in me wanting to quit and find someone else. I once too went to someone else and was surprised at how quick they were to side with me and judge my T when i kept saying things like 'I know this is only my perspective of what is happenning' etc It was surprisingly nice to feel so validated in my concerns of what was happenning. Ultimately I went back to my T and also felt that guilt. It can be so hard to leave someone when we are deeply attached to T. And for people with attachment wounding it can be so hard to figure out what is healing and what is helpful. Especially when the session or two after a big rupture feel all warm and fuzzy again. Is it rupture and repair and healing or is it they have given us a little bit of what we desperately want and return to more of the same.

I loved his character and he always seemed so genuine. I was truly sad to read this news today.

It was my weekend to work this past weekend at the retirement community I work at. There are two main desks where I work. I man one desk in the quieter portion of the building and two people man the desk in the busier building. A contractor showed up that we weren't expecting to my desk. I readio'd security (as expected). Security came (as expected) and the contractor told them who had authorized his work that Saturday. The security officer, instead of asking me, who is sitting right there to call the authorizing agent on his cell phone and make sure instead goes around the corner and radios my coworker (on a hidden radio channel but luckily I had that channel on) at the other desk asking her to do it. It made me feel like crap and this particular security officer attempts to make me feel like crap a lot but he's usually not successful. I sent my boss a scathing email that I am not incompetent and I can certainly handle all job duties at my desk. I'm not usually this sensitive but the person he asked to do the job can be a total witch too and she likes to pretend she's the only competent person around.