[AnaWhitney]

I’ve been absent from here for a few years but I am back as I’ve restarted therapy! Hoping to see some familiar names and some new ones! Last week I disclosed that I experienced CSA to my new T who I haven’t been seeing long. I never did this with my old Ts.
Anyway now that my next session is approaching, I really feel like it wasn’t me who said what I said last week and I don’t know how to handle myself next session. I also can’t remember what she looks like. Not important I’m sure, but I feel like my brain isn’t working properly and I’m not the same person who said what I said before. Does anyone relate to this? I don’t want to play games but I feel stupid that this is what I’m coming back with

[CANDC]

Hi @AnaWhitney welcome back. Good to see you here.

CSA is a tough subject to talk about even with a therapist. Some people I know with CSA have different parts that communicate different experiences they had. Maybe you could explore this further with your therapist and tell them that part of you that said that seems different than the part that told them that.

Hope you find support in the forums. Some others you may find of interest
Survivors or Abuse https://mysupportforums.org/survivors-of-abuse/

Possibly Dissociative Disorders but you may want to talk to your therapist more and see if they think this might be part of the challenge you face. https://mysupportforums.org/dissociative-disorders/

@CANDC

[Waterbear]

I just wanted to say 'hi', and well done for restarting therapy, but more importantly well done for disclosing what you have been holding onto for so many years. I can totally relate to the whole 'not feeling like it was actually you who said those things' thing. Our brains are very clever apparently and can split off when we have suffered trauma. It's taken me six years of therapy to actually see that CSA is trauma, and to try and start to heal from it, but facing it is the hardest part, and you have taken a step in the right direction by telling someone. Hopefully, in time, your brain will be able to face what happened without the need to ghost out from itself. I hope that for everyone trying to come to terms with their past, me included. If it's any consolation, I've been working with my therapist for over a year now, and up until last week was only ever able to look at her when she had her eyes closed!

When I first started this long journey, I definitely remember feeling like that too. I went to see one lady, and all I remember is going up the stairs at the beginning of the session. I don't remember anything about it, and I don't even remember coming back down again. I can only imagine that the brain is dealing with SO much more internally that external factors like what your therapist looks like just aren't registering. Again, hopefully in time it will level out, but my personal experience is that it takes a long time, a lot of hard work, an experienced therapist (my last one, whilst a wonderful human being and great for attachment work was not great for the trauma side it seems.)

I hold the hope for you that you might not be able to hold for yourself.

[AnaWhitney]

Originally Posted by CANDC

Hi @AnaWhitney welcome back. Good to see you here.

CSA is a tough subject to talk about even with a therapist. Some people I know with CSA have different parts that communicate different experiences they had. Maybe you could explore this further with your therapist and tell them that part of you that said that seems different than the part that told them that.

Hope you find support in the forums. Some others you may find of interest
Survivors or Abuse https://mysupportforums.org/survivors-of-abuse/

Possibly Dissociative Disorders but you may want to talk to your therapist more and see if they think this might be part of the challenge you face. https://mysupportforums.org/dissociative-disorders/

@CANDC

Thank you for this. I didn’t have the courage to explore this further. Maybe next week!!

[AnaWhitney]

Originally Posted by Waterbear

I just wanted to say 'hi', and well done for restarting therapy, but more importantly well done for disclosing what you have been holding onto for so many years. I can totally relate to the whole 'not feeling like it was actually you who said those things' thing. Our brains are very clever apparently and can split off when we have suffered trauma. It's taken me six years of therapy to actually see that CSA is trauma, and to try and start to heal from it, but facing it is the hardest part, and you have taken a step in the right direction by telling someone. Hopefully, in time, your brain will be able to face what happened without the need to ghost out from itself. I hope that for everyone trying to come to terms with their past, me included. If it's any consolation, I've been working with my therapist for over a year now, and up until last week was only ever able to look at her when she had her eyes closed!

When I first started this long journey, I definitely remember feeling like that too. I went to see one lady, and all I remember is going up the stairs at the beginning of the session. I don't remember anything about it, and I don't even remember coming back down again. I can only imagine that the brain is dealing with SO much more internally that external factors like what your therapist looks like just aren't registering. Again, hopefully in time it will level out, but my personal experience is that it takes a long time, a lot of hard work, an experienced therapist (my last one, whilst a wonderful human being and great for attachment work was not great for the trauma side it seems.)

I hold the hope for you that you might not be able to hold for yourself.

Thank you, this was very helpful and made me feel less crazy. I went to my session, she briefly touched on what I had said last session but didn’t go on about it. The minute it’s mentioned my head goes really fuzzy! This happened before when an old T asked about CSA but I didn’t respond, instant fuzzy brain! Brains are weird ha

[Waterbear]

I would definitely try and ask your T about dissociation. It helped me a lot to learn why my brain does this, and really helped me to realise that I am not crazy. I know the fuzzy brain very well.

[AnaWhitney]

Originally Posted by Waterbear

I would definitely try and ask your T about dissociation. It helped me a lot to learn why my brain does this, and really helped me to realise that I am not crazy. I know the fuzzy brain very well.

She has mentioned it before in fairness as she noticed me doing it at other times. It makes me feel better to understand but then the next time I feel like we never had that conversation and I just think I’m crazy again🤦*♀️

Can I ask you in relation to your previous reply where you said you can only look at her if her eyes are closed 🤭 How does she react? Do you ask her to close them. Just curious 😆

[Waterbear]

Sure, yes, I ask her to close them. She just sits there eyes closed which really helps me not to feel threatened. I can then look at her foot or her arm or something. Last session she had them closed for ages as I read some stuff to her. I had been trying for like half an hour with no joy, so figured we had nothing to lose, so I asked, she said yes, closed her eyes and I read. The words just kept coming, but only because I knew she wasn't looking at me.

This came in after a few months of struggling, and I think we both suggested it about the same time. It really helps me.

[*Beth*]

Oh, this absolutely happens to me. It happened especially for the first few years (about 3) of therapy. Sometimes I would feel so "not myself" that there would be another me, or a part of me, and that part was like another person, even with a different name and different interests. Sometimes I'd take on the interest of that "other me" (for example, roller skating) and make it my own.

It's dissociation, a reaction to anxiety. Dissociation is our mind's way of protecting us. But it can feel very odd and even unsettling.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by AnaWhitney

Thank you, this was very helpful and made me feel less crazy. I went to my session, she briefly touched on what I had said last session but didn’t go on about it. The minute it’s mentioned my head goes really fuzzy! This happened before when an old T asked about CSA but I didn’t respond, instant fuzzy brain! Brains are weird ha

something that may help relax you,

In March 2022 the mental health systems worldwide had a major change.

treatment providers can no longer focus on drawn out conversations on past trauma details nor can they help people look for more and more trauma events, trauma details. (which is probably why in your words she briefly touched on what you talked about in your last session.)

A person discloses if and when they want to. then after that disclosure, therapy centers on the present not the past and not on the traumatic details.

So rather than thinking about the trauma events details and getting all nervious with fuzzy head, maybe you can plan ahead for your next session.

figure out why you disclosed to your therapist this past event.

Was it to say hey this happened to me, now let's move on to something different, I just wanted my therapist to know it happened?

or

is /was there something with your life today that the traumatic event of the past is causing you problems. focus on todays problems rather than the details of the trauma. thats now what trauma therapy is.

heres a non trauma event example, something that is completely normal and has nothing to do with trauma, mental disorders and so forth and also lacks details like symptoms, diagnostics and so forth for any mental disorder but will illustrate what I mean.

say my sidewalk is icy from winter weather. I slip and fall. now its a year or years later and winter coming on, I go to my therapist and disclose I slipped on an icy sidewalk last year or years ago.

disclosure is done and over with, now what...

with the new mental health standards in place my therapist doesnt ask for any details of that past fall and doesnt focus on that past fall.

she says something like thanks for telling me during our last session that you have a history of a previous fall, what can I do to help you today? is there something in your life today that you are having a problem with because of that fall that you need my help with?

then I have a choice to make..

I can say ....no I just wanted someone to hear me say it.
I can say.... yes Im having this problem today because of that fall last year, I need your help with this problem.

Then my treatment provider and I would work on solutions to..... present day..... problem by brainstorming ideas on how to make my life today better...

maybe I can lay down some salt or sand or kittly litter on the sidewalks so that I dont fall again. Maybe I can put up a railing to hold on to while walking on the side walk, maybe she can refer me for medical care...

lots of solutions that do not involve delving into the trauma details.

trauma therapy no longer involves going into details or big bang style disclosure dig deep lets work on the traumatic details that will retraumatize you stuff.. since the new standards by the American psychiatric association, who and so on (all those worldwide mental health organizations, treatment providers and so forth that worked for 9-10 plus years on the new mental health standards that are now in place as of march 2022) that old retraumatizing style of therapy is out and not allowed any more.

Since the change over to the new mental health system trauma therapy is you disclose ......if and when you want to....., then move back into what's going on today and solve today's problems.

therapy is now individualized; you have all the control of what you discuss and how much and what you want to work on.

if it makes you feel things you dont normally feel its ok to say hey talking about this makes me feel bla bla bla lets talk about something different. I came here today to work on this instead...

maybe deciding why, you disclosed and what you want your therapists help with will tell you what you need to do now. take a deep breath, clear your mind and say ok why did I tell them about that, what did I want out of disclosing that past trauma to my therapist.

[AnaWhitney]

Originally Posted by *Beth*

Oh, this absolutely happens to me. It happened especially for the first few years (about 3) of therapy. Sometimes I would feel so "not myself" that there would be another me, or a part of me, and that part was like another person, even with a different name and different interests. Sometimes I'd take on the interest of that "other me" (for example, roller skating) and make it my own.

It's dissociation, a reaction to anxiety. Dissociation is our mind's way of protecting us. But it can feel very odd and even unsettling.

Oh that is interesting, thank you for sharing!! Is that DID? Or can it happen in a less severe form?
I’m just wondering if that’s why I’ve suddenly taken up exercising and I am now obsessed with fitness (I usually HATE exercise because it makes me too aware of my body)

[Calla lily12]

Originally Posted by AnaWhitney

I’ve been absent from here for a few years but I am back as I’ve restarted therapy! Hoping to see some familiar names and some new ones! Last week I disclosed that I experienced CSA to my new T who I haven’t been seeing long. I never did this with my old Ts.
Anyway now that my next session is approaching, I really feel like it wasn’t me who said what I said last week and I don’t know how to handle myself next session. I also can’t remember what she looks like. Not important I’m sure, but I feel like my brain isn’t working properly and I’m not the same person who said what I said before. Does anyone relate to this? I don’t want to play games but I feel stupid that this is what I’m coming back with

Yes....I've said the same thing many times. I tend to dissociate easily and usually dont remember what I've said in session. Sometimes it feels like a other person is telling my T all of these things. It must be much harder to disclose you have CPTSD. You aren't playing games...that'd just how the brain works sometimes. I rarely remember what my T looks like either.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

something that may help relax you,

In March 2022 the mental health systems worldwide had a major change.

treatment providers can no longer focus on drawn out conversations on past trauma details nor can they help people look for more and more trauma events, trauma details. (which is probably why in your words she briefly touched on what you talked about in your last session.)

A person discloses if and when they want to. then after that disclosure, therapy centers on the present not the past and not on the traumatic details.

So rather than thinking about the trauma events details and getting all nervious with fuzzy head, maybe you can plan ahead for your next session.

figure out why you disclosed to your therapist this past event.

Was it to say hey this happened to me, now let's move on to something different, I just wanted my therapist to know it happened?

or

is /was there something with your life today that the traumatic event of the past is causing you problems. focus on todays problems rather than the details of the trauma. thats now what trauma therapy is.

heres a non trauma event example, something that is completely normal and has nothing to do with trauma, mental disorders and so forth and also lacks details like symptoms, diagnostics and so forth for any mental disorder but will illustrate what I mean.

say my sidewalk is icy from winter weather. I slip and fall. now its a year or years later and winter coming on, I go to my therapist and disclose I slipped on an icy sidewalk last year or years ago.

disclosure is done and over with, now what...

with the new mental health standards in place my therapist doesnt ask for any details of that past fall and doesnt focus on that past fall.

she says something like thanks for telling me during our last session that you have a history of a previous fall, what can I do to help you today? is there something in your life today that you are having a problem with because of that fall that you need my help with?

then I have a choice to make..

I can say ....no I just wanted someone to hear me say it.
I can say.... yes Im having this problem today because of that fall last year, I need your help with this problem.

Then my treatment provider and I would work on solutions to..... present day..... problem by brainstorming ideas on how to make my life today better...

maybe I can lay down some salt or sand or kittly litter on the sidewalks so that I dont fall again. Maybe I can put up a railing to hold on to while walking on the side walk, maybe she can refer me for medical care...

lots of solutions that do not involve delving into the trauma details.

trauma therapy no longer involves going into details or big bang style disclosure dig deep lets work on the traumatic details that will retraumatize you stuff.. since the new standards by the American psychiatric association, who and so on (all those worldwide mental health organizations, treatment providers and so forth that worked for 9-10 plus years on the new mental health standards that are now in place as of march 2022) that old retraumatizing style of therapy is out and not allowed any more.

Since the change over to the new mental health system trauma therapy is you disclose ......if and when you want to....., then move back into what's going on today and solve today's problems.

therapy is now individualized; you have all the control of what you discuss and how much and what you want to work on.

if it makes you feel things you dont normally feel its ok to say hey talking about this makes me feel bla bla bla lets talk about something different. I came here today to work on this instead...

maybe deciding why, you disclosed and what you want your therapists help with will tell you what you need to do now. take a deep breath, clear your mind and say ok why did I tell them about that, what did I want out of disclosing that past trauma to my therapist.

This is an excellent post and it makes so much sense.