Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Anything you want to say to your T, big or small - post it here.

Thanks for the new thread, Lost!

Dear T: I wish I could talk to you today. But Tuesday will have to do. I wonder if you will do twice a week sessions? Or is that asking too much? Kit

What a session that was yesterday...

Thank you for your confidence in sharing your new insight about me.
It seems helpful that we both have quite an analytical mindset...although mine gets in the way of me experiencing my emotions.

When I cross that threshold into crying, often my first accompanying thought is 'Don't!'
I'm not sure what I think will happen if I do...perhaps that's another worthwhile conversation.

I saw your little tortoise first thing this morning and felt hopeful and happy. I'm embarrassment, though, that I insisted you be the one to chose and animal. I didn't mean to be pushy.

Beth,

That's brilliant - I'm curious about the backstory, but of course you don't have to share if you'd rather keep it private.

Take care,

Lost

I had diet bars and iced coffees today. I'm certainly heading in the right direction.

I'm feeling nervous about reading my latest history-rewritten-as-fairy-tale to you later today. The first one several years back was much better and had light/funny parts to it that this one doesn't have. Although I have to admit, while I was sad for about 4-5 days after writing it, holding those feelings and not emailing you gave me a shot of confidence somehow that I am actually working through that particular bit of childhood trauma (finally). Being able to actually write about what happened, and then read and re-read what I wrote without needing to stuff it all back in a box again, feels kinda, well, powerful, today. Especially after I just practiced reading it out loud (because h isn't home).

E: I will never be able to thank you enough for somehow steering me out of a huge spiral, and helping me (well, it really was mostly you) accomplish something I am confident I couldn’t do on my own. Thank you, thank you!

Also, the line you said as I was walking out the door has stuck with me.

“If you see no way out, walk the other way.”

So simple in its concept, yet something my brain would have never picked up on its own.


T-I also will never be able to thank you for everything you’ve been doing for me over the past few months. Also, you are hilarious!

Holy schamoly, L. That was good stuff today.

I would love to say I do feel like we will find a way to work together, but I can't. I can't see how it's ever going to be possible, and so I feel I have to look elsewhere for someone to work with. Someone gentler. Someone who won't push me off a cliff. Someone who can work creatively. Someone who will help me find other ways of connecting and communicating. Talking isn't the only way, and sitting in that god awful chair, session after session, is starting to make me feel like a failure. That's not what I come to therapy for.

Even with everything I have learned about processing and integrating our work, that revelation is taking its sweet time to settle.

I've never had a grief experience that has been so closely linked to shame.

Dear T,
Maybe we needed to have that conflict last month in order to be making progress again? Or maybe I had to get some of that stuff out, to unblock the relationship? Just seems like there have been a lot more insights--from both of us--lately.
Love,
LT

I kind of miss you. It's been almost 2 weeks. I dreamt of you again a few days ago. You left the room and never came back. But I know you'll be there, you've never even been late for a session

Its weird listening to music and just thinking of it as music now. Theres songs I want to relate to situations but they are just songs I like. I haven't gotten that deep achy feeling I can feel in my gut, in ages.

I had a huge aha today while I was doing my thinkwriting. huge. I'm so glad I went ahead and asked to come next Friday on my way out of your office yesterday. I think I connected some major dots.

My transfernece therapist is done with. But I still long for someone. But I don't feel anything for anyone. Its weird and frustrating and I don't know what to do when that spark is gone and isn't replaced.

This is very interesting, L. How the storm of things that were happening all at the same time in my life back in December/January that led me to reach out to you in late January, brought us to what I'm working on now. Somehow it all makes sense in a convoluted kind of a way. Yeah, I know I never told you about that eating thing before. You must know why. Well, I am going to be very ready to talk on Friday - I already have a lot to share and it's only Sunday! Boy, I can totally see how 'turning up the heat' would be helpful doing this part of the work - I'm working today but wish I could spend the time instead reading about Complexes and writing about my own. Oops, and my lunch is about over so I need to get back to work now.

If you give up on me as well because of this eating disorder I think I'll just go to my pdoc and see if he has any suggestions. Obviously things are getting worse and you were annoyed last week. And you are starting to say the same stuff the others have all said. Despite me asking my last therapist if you knew about eating disorders. Like are you going to backdoor me too?

I really feel like when it gets warmer out and you see me without a baggy hoodie on and a T shirt on that you'll have issues. When it wasn't really on purpose but due more to how I looked before my surgery....

So I reached out to four potential therapists, to see if they have availability, and if they felt they could work in the way that I need. I heard back from two, who have no availability, and from one just wanting some more information as she only ever sees people once a week for 50 minutes. Given the responses I have always seemed to get from people, I do wonder whether I am not the 'normal' client. Do other people not have any problems sitting in a chair talking to a therapist? Is it only me that seems to completely lose the ability to speak? It's not only with therapists either, it happened with R today. He was asking me something about something that is happening tomorrow, and I couldn't answer because what needed saying couldn't be said. I really tried, yet all that came out were these weird noises. And then weird actions. He is so understanding, and patient. I couldn't ask for anyone better, in that respect. He gave me the time and support I needed to be able to find my own way to communicate, and eventually I managed to use some plates to try and tell him a little bit more of what was going on for me.

I do worry whether your average counsellor will have any idea how to work with me. I'm not even sure you have any idea how to work with me, after a year and a half, and with all your supposed training and experience. You seem so lost at times. I thought it was me that was supposed to be lost, and you who were supposed to be the guiding light!

I've no idea what the fourth person will say, not what the one who asked for more info will come back with. I'm not even sure whether or not I will tell you in Tuesday that I have reached out. I might not say anything at all, and yet, I will also be bringing a bag so that I can take all of my things away with me, just incase I decide not to come back the following week. It just doesn't seem to be working between us, unfortunately.

I guess only time will tell what happens next.

Me

I can't tell if I'm going to have word vomit in your office and say some stuff I don't really want to say. Or literally vomit since my stomach has felt queasy all day and I'm not sure from what. I've taken zofran and pepcid and also valium and nothing really has helped. So idk if its anxiety about our session or not.

Three more sleeps until we next meet.

Plenty to talk about, as ever.

So I emailed you and asked if I could switch to remote and you were like no problem! In fact if you wanted to rest we can do zoom tommorow morning instead." I said yeah that would be fine. But well played since you told me last week I'm your first client, so now you get a big chunk of today off. I'm currently still on the verge of puking so I know it wasn't the session anyways that was making me sick and I would not have been productive today.

Would you find it weird if I spent next session with my hands over my chest?

I know this is weird, but I hope you don't forget to text me and remind me that we have a session tomorrow. Even though I already know. I like those reminder texts. Just a little reminder that you are there. Of course, I probably won't tell you that part. But maybe, if I am feeling brave, I will. Kit

Okay, that's weird. I just posted about you not texting me about our session and then you just texted me saying you double booked for tomorrow at 1 PM and could I change my appointment to 2 PM?

I haven't responded yet. I can change the appointment. I just feel........IDK. Less than? Not as important? Maybe you scheduled the other person first. Why don't you have regular session times instead of well, what do you have open next week?

Humph. Silly thing to be miffed about. But I am a little miffed. Kit