Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Dear T,
Thanks for the support and empathy today. I think it helped to just get some of that out, the feelings and the tears. Part of me wishes I could just keep both the Thursday and Friday appointments (and I'm sure you'd be fine with that, too), but I know I need to pick one. I really appreciate your saying to just let you know tomorrow. (I really do mean it that you should ask me if someone requests one before then, and I'll decide.)

Love,
LT

I emailed you Sunday night about my weekend and I haven't heard back. Maybe I'll hear from you tonight. I found some stuff that might send me down a rabbit hole I'm not sure I want to go down. This ulcer pain thing is real bad today so I don't think stressing myself out more will not help. I'll ask you tommorow what you think.

E: I’m being paranoid, right? It’s only 7pm. You have responded later in the past. This will be the last I hear of you until the 26th.

I gave myself a therapy hangover today without even having a session! I think I need to go veg out in front of the TV for a while... I have much to talk about on Friday.

Phew! I was getting worried there. Enjoy your vacation, even though I won’t see you in person until
the 31st.

T and E: Please please hope that if I need to take Luna to the vet tomorrow, that she’s ok. I’m scared. Also vet bills are so expensive! Not good timing.

ah now i understand why i stopped writing. it's that whole too much of my truth comes out in it thing and i didn't know how to sit with it. yesterday i kept starting and stopping, starting and stopping. finally made myself stay in the feelings and wrote a poem that just made me sad (of course I had to eat a bowl of chocolate pudding to get through it, at least it was h's sugar free/fat free pudding!) I will share the poem with you on friday. don't worry, it's not about you (none of this is about you anymore).

i need to try totally stepping out of myself and writing oh, a sci fi kind of story or something. that's why i bought this book in the first place; just the first exercise i did out of it became very personal. Next, i'm gonna use one of the exercises for developing new characters. that oughta help.

i wish sombody could teach me how to be with my complicated feelings without eating them. You have never been any help with that, sadly.

Happy birthday L, I hope you do something fun today to celebrate!

Elon Musk went on a rage about remote working. Not the exact same thing but people do seem to be taking advantage of it now. My therapist is still mostly virtual.

E: OMG, i am losing you too?! I know you don’t take medicaid, and I know I can’t mooch off your kindness. I just didn’t know it was in the same time frame as losing T as well.

I am not ok. i don’t want to see another therapist.

I think I've just been overly sensitive these last 2 days because my stomach pain seems to have gotten worse. So stuff I'd normally not pay attention to, or just brush off is bugging me now. Plus I haven't been sleeping well either these last 2 nights.

I used the anger iceberg we talked about and I realized I wasn't mad at the guy outside the store. I was just really in a **** ton of pain. Once I realized that was the issue I got my pillow with the arms and it helped a ton and I was able to think things out.

Dear T,
I tried to have that conversation with H tonight. I feel he sort of dodged the bigger question? "I just like garlic." But even though I asked multiple times, he didn't answer the overarching question. Sort of wish I could talk to you about it now. But Monday is fine. I didn't go into the bigger conversation about my work because it didn't seem he was in a place for it. Like, if I'd had success with the first one, I might have forged onward, but I feel that ended in an ambiguous place, so...

It was nice hearing you tell me that fable today, despite the rather dark ending. Like a parent reading to a child. I really don't think I'd ever heard it before.

And I know this is totally a transference and projecting thing, but I appreciated your responding to my "I'm sure you think you couldn't live with me" with "I wouldn't say that" (or whatever the exact words you used were). Though from the thing you shared about your wife, perhaps she's not all that different from me? Though...perhaps that's why at times you seem to empathize with H...

Love,
LT

So weird to hear your name come up at work today.

Trying to trust my discomfort with the idea of seeking training through your organisation.


If it feels off, then it's not appropriate.

Oh wow. I did NOT know that was going to happen today. I mean, I started with that for a reason, obviously, but still... I so didn't think it would take the whole session and go where it did. I appreciate everything you said, though, even the stuff that was hard to hear. I am going to do what you suggested and write it again as what it might look like if I did instead of why I didn't. And I'm going to write about that other question, as well. My tears today were for two reasons - I am so frustrated with myself, for not being able to take action on this, and because it is just sad all the way around.

Thank you for not judging me.

Oh, and S could not meet me today, but we are now meeting for lunch tomorrow so that will get me out of the house for a few hours anyway.

L,
Thank you for saying that you will come when I reach out. That meant so much to me, to my child parts. No one ever came when I cried out as a child. There was no one to soothe me. Going through these traumas hurts like hell, AND it is so reassuring that I'm not alone in it this time.

hey t,

last session felt good. i didn’t expect you to be as open as you were… thanks for that.

me

I'm not okay. I don't feel like I will ever be ok. I can't lose T and you E. no no no no. I do know you will be glad I reached out for help, and I am slightly calmer. Still, please don't leave me.

I know what I wrote and I felt it to my core; I know what my intuition is saying to me. I hear it, I do. I don't know if it's my innate stubbornness, or fear of how hard it will be, or just plain fear of the unknown. And that last question you asked me - holy crap on a cracker that was a tough one. I am pretty sure that the answer is yes, I DO think that. And y'know what, because I think that, probably means that they will outlive me and it won't ever happen.

This all hurts so much.

Writing through all of this is definitely helping me process it all though. And your unflinching honesty yesterday was just what I needed. Keep on doing that, okay? Thank you.

Dear E: It seems more and more likely I might need to go to Wellness. I can’t believe I have to wait an entire week (that is a long time for me, right now) to talk to you about all of this. T’s email helped…a little. She said the meeting she proposed is not a termination meeting, but a way we all can brainstorm the next steps in the transition the best way you can.

You can see that I still do not feel reassured that you are planning on ending treatment too. Maybe not in the next two or three weeks, but soon. Before I feel ready, and I far from feeling ready.

I just got home from having lunch with my friend S, thank you for the idea I don't know why I never think of things like this on my own yes I do because I don't feel worthy of other people's time. We had a really good talk, she's one of the few people in my life I feel like I can be real with. Anyway while I was driving home I was thinking. I was like hmm. Is all this stuff going on with h right now just more of my previously-denied need for drama? And then it hit me all of a sudden - I can create all the ******* drama my little heart desires in my writing, and from there, it doesn't have to affect my life at all.

I shall now proceed to introduce "drama queen" to my keyboard. I'm sure they will get along famously!

You know that Professional Lost is my favourite version of me.
I do my best to ensure that I can present that in the circumstances where I need to.
What happened at the meeting on Friday really threw me off.

Firework display brain, and I couldn't do a damn thing about it.

i talked with h last night, using a couple suggestions from you and one from my friend S, and it went okay I guess, I mean he didn't go to bed pouting so I'll count it somewhat successful. He said I shouldn't be afraid of telling him what I'm feeling, that he needs time to do the things that he enjoys (watching tv), that he wants me to live my life and do things that make me happy like crocheting and going to lunch with my friends, that we should hire someone to clean the house because he's not going help me with it (ok then) and that I should keep going to my "head doctor".