Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Dear T, I’m sorry I overreacted and felt so mad at you, I’m glad I didn’t show you my over reaction. Thank you for responding (eventually) I just thought you weren’t going to. I can’t express the relief that came when you did. Good job I waited and didn’t lash out at you or send a follow up message. It’s crazy the smallest things you do can send me crazy feeling abandoned, humiliated and rejected and it hurts so bad. But I guess that’s you showing me the trauma I need to heal. I still love you.

Dear T,
I"m glad you said it would be OK to sit on the couch again if I wanted. I had been afraid to ask, but in discussing the ottoman, it seemed like a good opportunity to do so in a low-stakes moment. Maybe I'll try that the next time and see what it feels like. I mean, I can always go back to the chair!


Love,
LT

You are not going to like the dream I had. It was a lucid dream, I knew I dreamt, and I made the worst decisions simply because I knew it was just a dream. Not sure what that says about the progress I've been making in regards to "that thing". Probably that it's not going very deep.

That should have been.... Someone who can work more creatively, and someone who can work more consistently. Annoyingly, I had been feeling like maybe there was a possibility of continuing this work with you, until we did the diary check at the end. A holiday in April and again in May? And one session in 6 weeks due to our combined holidays and my work, that's not good. Or is it? I know it's not your 'fault', but you didn't need to point it out. I would have rathered you ask how that made me feel. You sounded surprised that I took my blanket, at the end. I told you, I need to decide whether or not I come back, and if I have no intention of returning, then I don't want my stuff left with you, do I. I don't know. I must say this is all a bit too much for me. I don't think that you can help me. I think that you are just as lost and confused as I am, and that makes me sad.

And btw 5 gramm of lexapro? I'd probably die!

You are a brilliant therapist, but lol

Thanks for replying to my text.
I felt sharing that news warranted it.
Looking forward to seeing you in a couple of days.

I guess I tell you about the small fries from Mcdonalds I ate last night and not the apple cider vinegar drinks I've been drinking and all the diet bars I've been eating or the bone broth I have on my shopping list. Or is that just manipulation? Maybe I'd have more trust in therapists if they didn' passivly aggresivly threaten to terminate me when I tell them this stuff.

I'm so very ready for Friday. I have so much to talk about. Wish for more time.

Damn... I stupidly looked forward to this session for a week and I feel so let down. It didn't help that we had technial issues on both sides, that kind of ruined the flow a bit. But I think you could sense that I didn't feel ok with how the session went.

There weren't any interruptions, but I didn't feel like you were really present with me, as though your mind was somewhere else. I was conscious of H being in the next room for a while and that definitely didn't help.

The disconnect I am feeling with the wider world seems to be seeping into our therapy sessions as well, and I really need that not to happen, as it's the one 'safe-ish' place I have in my life.

Now I have to sit with these feelings for another week. I know you wouldn't mind me emailing you about it in-between, but I have always tried not to contact you between sessions. In my head I am more reliant on you/our relationship than I would ever admit, but in real life I don't come across like that, and I don't believe you are aware of it. That's the way it's going to stay if I can possibly help it.

I wish I'd listened to my gut a year ago. I knew in my heart that yours wasn't the right environment for me.

This isn't really for you, T, but I've nowhere else to vent this. Why are therapists so bad at getting back to people. I've contacted 8 over the last two days and only 3 have replied. Two of those to say they have no availability. One to ask me more questions, which I answered right away, yet 24 hours later, still nothing. Is it too much to think 'you' might get back to someone who is clearly reaching out for help? I'm struggling here and it would be really nice if I wasn't just left hanging. I understand you are all busy, and some may be away, but I personally think that's quite a low response rate 😓

Ps, on top of the mouth ulcers and fatigue, I now have a banging headache. I so rarely get headaches. Stress is really not good for you.

Kinda funny how you had to put your toddler back in his room because he escaped in the middle of our session. But why did you have him in his room anyways? Unless he was supposed to be taking a nap or something.

Being able to ask for support entails finding the words.
Finding the words takes energy that I'm struggling to spare.
The team that now presents what I will always consider Steve's podcast recently put out an episode on getting the rest you need.

Every time I think about listening to it I find myself thinking 'He should still ****ing be here.'

E: I'm glad I get to see you tomorrow, and since the intense anxiety of going back to work has been pushed off another week, maybe we can actually focus on something else.

I've been really lazy about writing down dreams this week... 3 times now that I recall I woke up and knew there was just a dream there but rolled over and went back to sleep without writing them down. Shame on me, I know. Oh well. I'll try to do better tonight and tomorrow night.

Thank you for those moments of human to human connection.

We are in a deep place at the moment, and one where I think I'm finally asking the right questions.

'We weren't meant to do this alone' really struck a chord with me today.

Sometimes, it's not ministry that we need, it's other people.

Recognising what this experience has done to me and my life is something best done gradually, I think.

Thanks for sitting with me through that process.

E and T- Help. Please.

SO ready to talk tomorrow.

Well after 4 good consecutive sessions, this week's bombed...

I suppose it had to happen, but I'd prefer consistency rather than this up and down pattern we seem to have in our therapy. I just get comfortable and feel that we're in this for the long haul, then a really **** session happens and I'm back to wondering if it's time to call it a day.

Hell's bells!

Dear T: Please help me. Thanks. Kit

I spent a significant part of today thinking about contacting the suicide loss support group to get the paperwork that I need if I want to attend an in-person session.

It's only an email, or a phone call.

The person I met at the Cathedral said that she'd be the one I'd speak to if I rang the mobile number...

What difference does it make?

Thanks for today. It's been really helpful talking through these realizations with you. It must be hard to sit there and not say mmhmmm I tooooooold you. lol

You guys can’t help. No one can.

Dear T,
It means a lot that you thanked me for sharing my writing and told me "Keep writing" when I left yesterday. I'm glad I shared that with you (though I might feel differently had I shared the actual version I sent for critique!) I think it's leading to some interesting discussions. I'll be curious to hear some of your notes from our first session on Monday.

I also appreciate your noting one way that you've seen me progress since the first year I saw you. (And I agree with your assessment.) One reason I chose to leave ex-T is how she said, nearly 6 years in, how I was still so anxious all the time. I imagine it was really about her fearing she hadn't helped me. But it seemed like she didn't see my progress, in that area or others.

I know it's ultimately up to me to decide whether I've made progress or not--and how to feel about that--but it helps hearing it from the outside, too. Hm...maybe that's something I missed from my parents, too...and why getting good grades in school meant so much to me.

Love,
LT