Couch 244: Great Expectations

Thanks Art.

It was a good session. The old me would have messaged saying I wanted to cancel because of the shame I felt about last week, but I just told him about it instead. Odd to realize that I did have a choice in pushing him away or not.

Just had to trust that he wouldn't shame me about anything I say and he didn't. Just said it was conditioning from others and I was too hard on myself. There was a difference between thoughts and actions.

You feel the way you feel. It doesn't make you less human.

Glad you're safe Artie bean.

Do you have a prep box of things to have in case of emergencies?

I'm glad it was a good session, and I'm glad you were able to tell him about the shame and talk about it.

No but thank you, that would be a good idea to set up before the next storm. It was so dark last night without power (our whole area was out, 2500+ homes) I had to feel my way into the kitchen where I remembered leaving my phone so I could use the flashlight function. At the very least we should have a working flashlight in one of our nightstands.... when it looked like the power wasn't going to come back on quickly, I had to get up and make a bowl of water for the cats as they currently have one of those cat fountain thingies that of course don't work without electricity.

No good deed goes unpunished. I was cleaning the bathroom this afternoon and the scrubber thing disconnected from the handle and got stuck waaaay up the back curve. Yes i went in and got my fingers on it but could not pull it out. So i called apartment maintenance 20 minutes ago and they are not here yet.

Eta - been and fixed and gone!

The British media, government, royalty are all rank with grubby and predatory old men. It makes my skin crawl.

Ended up in tears talking to H about my migraines this evening with H. While we were out. Which felt really awkward. But I've been trying really hard to not let them affect me, when really, I feel like I have to take the possibility of getting one into any decision I make lately (summer is bad for me). Like, "Yes, I can take D to the pool" (knowing it will lead to a migraine--sun reflecting off water alone, but bonus chlorine odor--but it's not fair to expect him to take her--I did manage to avoid getting one until I was leaving).

And how I try not to mention when one is bothering me if it's manageable. How I am trying all these things to help it (supplements, being careful with my sleep, salt and sugar intake--wild swings in either can trigger one, etc.) I have triptans to treat them, but you're only supposed to take those occasionally (no more than twice a week) or you can get rebound headaches.

I was doing so much better with them (where they were occasional and generally minor), then summer hit. And I'm also wondering if the Covid I had at the end of May is playing a part, as it sounds like that can be a trigger. (Oddly, I had no headaches of any sort during Covid, even though it's a very common symptom.)

H seemed sympathetic and concerned, which I appreciated. And he's pushing me to see a neurologist again (prescription is from primary care doctor). Some of this was triggered by his talking endlessly about some hip pain that was a 2 on a scale of 10 (his language), which I understand his being worried about it, due to hip surgery last year (and his fear that something else is going on). But I feel like I'm at a 2 somewhere (head, neck, etc.) quite often, but just keep it inside because that's what I was taught to do as a kid.

I'll stop whining, sorry.

Hugs, LT. I'm sorry summer makes your migraines worse. Maybe seeing a neurologist could be helpful, I don't really know much about them. I know my mom used to get them but she's said they've lessened as she's gotten older. She has a prescription for them too but I'm not sure which med it is. When my Dad was still alive he would do this pressure-point thing I think it was at the base of her thumb or somewhere like that, I don't remember now, and that would ease them long enough for her medication to start working.

Thanks, Artie, I appreciate the support! I think with summer it's partly heat and humidity (gets quite humid where I live) with bad air quality, plus sudden barometric pressure changes with thunderstorms (happened a bunch last week and over the weekend).

You mentioned having that really bad thunderstorm that shut of power, which sounded scary! We had one on Friday where I was sitting in the stairwell of our house to try to be away from any windows. The previous Friday, I actually got a tornado warning on my phone while I was driving--wasn't sure what to do then (I wasn't near any place with a basement, just a gas station and a store), but was only 5 minutes from home, so kept driving and was OK. Just stressful...

Honestly, i worry about Louie.

So what's going on, President Biden sleeping over at the Royal Lodge?

Hugs to all of you.

I gotta say, for the first time I see something positive in my partner never doing anything at all around the house. I can basically move most things that are in drawers without him even noticing anything is gone. And I can just have some bags and boxes in a room that he never goes into. It's kind of ridiculous for how controlling he is.

I'm going to move on Monday morning. A few friends have offered to help, especially with driving. If partner is awake, two of them can also stay with him and see that he doesn't attack anyone. I do feel a bit bad that there's a high chance he's not going to be awake. I'm not somebody who breaks up over text. At the same time, I can't really tell him before, since then I have to fear he might do something to me. I'm also debating whether to leave him with some cooked food in the fridge. He doesn't know how to cook (I am doubtful he could make a fried egg) and since this is coming out of the blue for him, maybe he doesn't want to deal with figuring out food first thing...

Have a look at the Alaskan prepper channel on Youtube. Everyone should have enough stuff for a minimum of 3 days

I like watching his Costco hauls.

The most dangerous time for women is leaving relationships. Do everything you can to maximise your safety. Take your friends offer.
Just focus on getting yourself away. He's a grown man. He can figure food out later for himself.

Be safe CNS! Will be thinking about you and hoping everything goes smoothly.

Yes, please be safe CNS! It's good you'll have friends there. I think even if he's asleep, someone should keep an eye on him and be ready if he wakes up. I also don't think you need to leave food in the fridge that you cooked yourself. Maybe some carryout menus.

In the U.S., you can have police officers come to your house to make sure everybody behaves themselves while you get your essential property out. It's called a civil standby. I don't know if they have it in your country, but I think enough people don't know about that option here that it's worth mentioning.

I hope the move is uneventful and that you enjoy your freedom!

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

I am aware leaving is the most dangerous time, and am trying to be safe. My therapist also helps me with it. Nobody but my new landlord and companies so far know my new address. Though I will have to inform some people, I don't have any reason to believe that they might tell him where it is.
I have already started planning how to move with my buddies a few days ago and there will for sure be people here. However, Switzerland does not really have things in place to deal with DV as a "standard", I could call them and probably they would come over and even stay when I move out. But this would also mean that regardless of whether I want it, they would investigate the allegations and sue even if I do not want to. While I do probably want to sue, I want to speak to a lawyer first to get things sorted in my interest, having police involved first would just make my case less likely to be won. I could also hire private security, which I've looked into. I don't think it's necessary since I've got three guys that are bigger, heavier and fitter than him coming over to help me move. If anything happens, we can still call the cops at that time and then there's at least some witnesses besides me.

I also ordered pepper spray (tasers or weapons other than knifes are illegal unless you use them for sports or have a big reason to have them), have trained in how to use it, and have an umbrella that is made to beat people up... (I am not sure why this is legal but it is). I'm pretty well-versed in security precautions due to my weird interest in true crime, so I think I can mostly stay as safe as I can, though I'm not looking forward to changing my routine up regularly for some time...

You're in my thoughts, CNS.

I'm glad that you have help around you.

I don't want to deal with infertility emotional work tomorrow! But it's what's making me unsafe. It just hurts so bad.

Go at your own pace Scarlet.

The fact that it's making you feel unsafe is a sign to go much slower.

Maybe work on other stuff and tell her you need a light session? Work on building connection?

CNS, I hope all goes smoothly. Sending courage and strength.

I am so excited! I am leaving for the airport soon to go watch dancer spawn dance and bring him home for a few weeks before school starts. It is just delightful to see the giant folk launching themselves into the world.

I am giving her another baby gift tomorrow to start the session off on a good note. Then we have some other things to touch on before processing.

I think I should have clarified a little. The infertility is making me feel hopeless, like there's no point to my life. That is triggering the SI. L believes the only way to help the SI is to move through the pain. I've been experiencing severe SI, nightmares, lack of hunger, nausea, and GI problems since I found out she's pregnant. But for the last two nights since talking about the infertility, I haven't had nightmares. She thinks it's because I am processing things when I'm awake, so my brain doesn't have to when I'm asleep.

You're right though. I need to try and pace this. I'm just desperate to reach the other side of it all. But that can't be rushed, huh? No one has ever helped me with this. And everyone walks on eggshells with me. My sister delayed telling me she was pregnant because she thought it would hurt me. Even L admitted that one of her fears was that her joy would cause me more pain. But I've been able to hold both the joy and pain at the same time. It's my issues causing me pain, not L's joy.

Everyone on this side of the Alps is rooting for you, CNS!

Meanwhile, in an ATAT update, about two weeks ago I lost the hearing in my left ear. I’ll see a doctor when I get back home (I’m upstate now) to be sure, but it’s probably just the progression of my hearing loss.

It was soooo disorienting getting sound in only one ear that three days ago I stopped wearing my hearing aids to equalize the sides a bit. Much better! It feels liberating but also dangerous. I’ll have to resume wearing them when I get back to work, of course, but right now the feeling of naked ears is awfully enjoyable.