L is pregnant

I knew this day would come. We've been preparing for it basically for 4 years. I even suggested to her that she start trying after she got married because of her age. And she told me that January of this year was went they would start trying. I've also noticed her wearing losser clothing and having to adjust her pants. NONE of this is a surprise.

And our session went good today. I was able to hold onto my authentic joy for her. I got to ask questions and requests. We have a good plan and even an interim therapist in mind. I'll list all the details later. It's all good things.

My jealousy that she will get to be a mom, and I can't isn't even an issue right now.

AND on the way home I broke down sobbing. Part of it is my fear of losing her. I'm also afraid that she'll love me less or I'll be less special or she won't want to be a mother-figure or nurturing towards me. However, I think I trust in her that none of those fear are true.

So I've had a long bit to think about it (2 hours drive in traffic) and I think I know what my problem is. She told me she's pregnant 20 weeks in. I thought she would tell me right after the first trimester! I now only have 4 months to adjust and prepare for her leave. I feel robbed of precious time. She said she wanted to wait to make sure the baby had all its body parts developed and was viable. I understand that, AND she knew I was expecting the 3 month mark. She should have corrected me that she would wait for the 20 week mark.

I'm pushing her away for now. I don't know how to get comfort from the person who caused me pain especially since it's a joy for her and a legitimate reason. I feel I need space from her. I need space from my anger. I just am hurting and scared.